Set Free
by Dandy in the Aspic
Summary: A series of one-shots about Shepard, Kaidan and all the things in between. Snapshots of falling in love, family and heartbreak. ME1, ME2, ME3 and beyond. Mostly canon with 'Changeling'. Can be read in any order, rating varies. Marked as complete because they are all standalone.
1. Sandwich

_Ideas pop into my head and I want to use this as a place I can put them down without disrupting the flow of Changeling. This is canon to my particular Shepard and her and Kaidan's story in my other fics. Not beta-ed, because they are quick little things so all mistakes are my own. I hope you enjoy! Thanks~_

* * *

"So what made you join up?" Kaidan says it casually. They lean up against his console, eating sandwiches they'd begged Ash to make for them. Shepard hates cooking and the extent of Kaidan's skills is MREs. She's smiling in self-satisfied victory, just a tiny lift of her small, pretty lips. Ash had been unable to resist the combined might of their puppy dog eyes, when she had sat in the mess with her own massive and very mouth-watering sandwich. Shepard and Kaidan had dubbed it 'Operation Sandwich Time', and they always got the mission done.

"What?" She asks. She looks up at him in puzzlement, taking another big bite. He thinks Shepard makes eating like a pig look charming. Maybe he's just a sick, sick man.

He clears his throat and clarifies. "The Alliance. What made you join up?"

She stares at him, chewing thoughtfully.

"Sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to pry. I was just…curious. I told you about how I joined and I-I thou-" Kaidan's rambling again, cursing himself for forgetting who he was speaking to. She's not just Shepard, she's his CO and they are not just friends hanging out on a lunch break.

"Oh yeah. Your 'romantic dream'." She laughs, but it's not mocking. It's like she thinks his reason for joining up was…cute. Her nose wrinkles slightly, distorting the freckles across it.

"Ha, yeah, pretty silly." He chuckles awkwardly. "Sorry to bother you-"

She stops his apology. "It's no bother. I was just surprised. No one really asked me before."

She picks little bits out of her sandwich, toying with it and leans against the console again. She's not looking him in the eyes anymore.

"I joined because I was…I guess, I got in over my head with some things. And when you get desperate there's far worse places you can go than the Alliance."

He hadn't thought it would be like that, she's so Alliance through and through he'd thought she might have been a Spacer, with family already joined up. He hadn't wanted to ruin the light mood with bad memories. "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that."

"Don't be." Shepard raises her gaze back to his. "It's in the past now. I'm a big girl."

"If you don't mind me asking: what 'things' did you get caught up in?" His curiosity about her, to learn everything he can, makes him far bolder than usual.

"Ah. You have to know me pretty well for me to tell you that." She's firm and he knows he won't hear anything personal about her today. They always seem to talk about his past, but he wants to talk about her.

"I'd like to get to know you. Um…I m-mean, I might have been reading things wrong but-"

"Hey." She reaches out, and places a hand on his bicep briefly. The contact sparks a little, a small static discharge. They both ignore it. "I'd like to get to know you, too."

Kaidan has to fight back a ridiculous grin and ignore how his arm burns. Her touch does weird things to him. Weird, very non-regulation things.

"So, what's your favorite food, color and what's the first thing you did when you discovered you had biotics?" He says it in a rush, half joking.

"Um." There's that ten-thousand megawatt smile of hers, like she thinks he's funny. It makes Kaidan wish he had a sense of humor like Garrus or Joker. He always wanted to make her smile like that.

"This is me getting to know you." Kaidan leans on the console with her, not looking her in the face and giving her time to answer.

There's lightness in her voice, like she's trying to hold back a laugh as she answers: "Ok, I like hamburgers, all kinds of blue, and I made my brother's toys float. Now you, same questions?"

"Steak sandwiches, green and I accidentally knocked my mother's china case down." He says promptly.

"Ha! What?!"

"Yeah. Let's just say my control wasn't very good back then. I was trying to grab the ball I'd thrown up on top of it down…and well the whole thing came crashing. It was the only time I've seen her go that shade of red. She's pretty short, y'know, maybe a little shorter than you." He waves a hand over her head, measuring the height. "But damned if my Pa wasn't terrified when she finally lost her temper."

Kaidan chuckles a little, remembering that day. It was before he knew that the biotics singled him out of a crowd, before he learned to hide them. Kids didn't like it when you could throw a ball further than them with just your mind.

"'Finally'?" She queries.

"Yeah, my Ma, she doesn't get angry easy. She's pretty calm through everything, keeps dad grounded."

"Oh, a bit like you I guess?" She's teasing him again, but her face is earnest.

"You think I'm calm?"

"Oh hell yeah." Shepard nods fervently as she throws the leftovers of their sandwiches in the trash. "Garrus and me, we're always running around crazy in the Mako and then there's a serious voice from the back: 'Commander, don't you think we should ease up on the accelerator?'"

He lets out a bark of laughter, and she smiles again. "Maybe I just like having all my limbs intact."

"Mmm hmm. Well I like it." She says coyly.

Shepard moves to grab herself a bottle of water, throwing over her shoulder. "I don't know if you've noticed this but I'm pretty stubborn and a little pig headed."

"No! Not Commander Shepard! You're the very model of restraint." Kaidan mock gasps at her, pulling a scandalized face. She's giggling in earnest as she hands him his own water.

"Oh shut it you." She says as she gently punches him in the arm.

Once their laughter has died down he shakes his head. "No, really. You're not pig-headed."

"Yes I am. Anderson is forever telling me how much he wants to strangle me sometimes."

"It just means you're passionate for what you believe in. Passion isn't a bad thing." He argues. She has no idea how he sees her, how amazing she is.

"Oh yes, ha. I am a very passionate woman, LT. I'll have to show you sometime." She looks horrified as soon as she says it, the easy smile sliding off her face. For his part he chokes on his own saliva.

"Oh my god. And apparently, I have no mental filter either. I am so sorry Alenko, I didn't-"

Kaidan doesn't want to hear her apologize. He wants to offer up a little bit of himself the way she has, even though he might look like an idiot. "Maybe you will. I-I'm uh, I'm pretty passionate myself."

In his head he mentally builds a noose and jumps off. He is terrible and rusty and _so bad_ at flirting.

_'Oh god, shut up Alenko. She'll think you're the biggest creep.'_

"Uh huh. _Really_ now? Guess it's always the quiet ones, right?" She smirks at him and it goes straight to places, it's definitely not meant to. His heart does a funny little flip-flop.

"Shepard!"

"Coming, Garrus. I'll catch ya later, _LT_."

She leaves him a little punch-drunk, and way too pleased with himself.


	2. Moonlight

_Content warning for this one, guys. Here be sad smut. As ever I love hearing your thoughts. This takes place during their infamous shore leave between ME1 and ME2._

* * *

He is woken from sleep by her violent jerk. She's panting, gasping brokenly for breath and she almost throws herself off the side bed. She's wrapped, tangled in the covers like a fish caught in a net. He is rapidly on alert and has to lean over to catch her around the middle, saving her from sprawling ungainly on the hard floor. Gently he untangles the blankets from around her. In the moonlight her eyes are washed grey, wild and panicked. She has no idea where she is.

"Hey, hey. It's ok. I'm here, shh." He soothes quietly. She almost looks frightened enough to punch him, her fear is primal.

"Kaidan?" She is uncharacteristically quiet and uncertain as she comes back to lucidity.

"Yeah. Bad dreams?"

"The Beacon. A-Ash…" She sighs deeply. "-and old things." She doesn't sound like herself; her voice is all scratchy and hoarse. Like she's been screaming for hours in her nightmares. Kaidan wishes he could have woken up earlier and saved her from them.

Shepard turns to him, studying his face. Her eyes are still wide and fearful.

Suddenly, she's leaning forward and is kissing him insistently, her mouth wet and hot on his. They've made love many times since coming to this planet, marked each other as their own but not like this. This isn't like her. Kaidan grabs her arm heading down to his boxers.

"Hey, you sure we should be doing this?"

She's quiet for a moment; her hand tracing his palm, the one holds her poised to touch him.

Then she speaks, so softly he almost doesn't hear, a tiny whisper. "I need you. Please."

She's kissing him again, sliding her N7 singlet off at the same time. She grasps one of his hands to direct it over her breasts. To Kaidan it seems too large and rough for her soft skin.

She's climbing on top of him; the moonlight bathes her in mysterious shadows - just the outline of a soft curve, a glint of silver light on her hair.

She grinds herself against the muscle of his thigh, finding some sort of restrained pleasure. Her head is thrown back, strands of hair wild and in her face.

Kaidan's hands ghost over her: traces her belly, her thighs, touches gently at the hollow of her neck. He's worried but he knows she won't accept anything else right now. His words are clumsy and inadequate. They won't make horror and nightmares go away.

Shepard divests him of his boxers, stroking him into hardness. Her hand is shaky.

"Shepard?"

"It's ok. I-I just n-need this."

She shimmies off her underwear, her center wet against his leg. His breathing quickens and hers was never easy to begin with. The quiet night is filled with the sounds of them.

She lowers onto him, impaling herself slowly. Kaidan holds her waist, steadying her. She's not ready enough, and he sees Shepard wince slightly.

"We can stop, Shepard."

"No! It's fine."

She begins to ride him, her pace tortuously slow and terribly gentle. Kaidan traces her body with his eyes and hands, over and over, and gradually she relaxes and opens to him.

His fingers ghost down to just above where they are joined, finding her small pearl to stroke. She groans and grabs one of his palms to bring to her mouth; she uses it to muffle her sounds of pleasure.

Kaidan doesn't know why she does that, only that she feels the need. He won't begrudge her whatever makes the newly aged lines on her face go away. They both stay silent after that.

He can feel her clenching around him, the movement of her hips faster and insistent against his hand. Her breast bounce erotically in front of him, her skin is sweat-slicked. It won't be long for her. Another pass of his thumb over her center, and she grinds down on him one last time. She's coming apart on top of him with a choked back cry. He gives her a minute, stills inside her then gently moves her beside him on the bed, ignoring the ache of his own incomplete desire for the moment.

He leans beside her to kiss every inch of her skin, kisses his way down her arms, lifts her hand to press closed mouthed pecks against it. He backs up to her shoulder, kisses each freckle there, and then the base of her throat. Her mouth is welcoming when he reaches it, opening for him and finally allowing him some intimacy. They were joined before, but not how he liked it. That was need and sadness and anger and fear.

_He doesn't want that for them. _

She covers her eyes with her other hand but a small smile lifts the downward curve of her mouth.

Gently, Kaidan covers her with his own body, mindful not to crush her with his weight and enters her again. This time his position allows him to kiss her face as he relishes in her tight, warm heat. She lifts her leg slightly allowing him deeper access. It lets him follow her fall off the edge of pleasure; his mind is blank and narrowed to just her smell, taste, touch and the love she gives him. It always feels too much with her, too good, and something too perfect to last. As the rush of completion and heat hits him, his whole body tightens and he kisses her eyelashes, they're salty with tears and he knows he'll forever remember that taste when he thinks of this night.

He rolls off her to lie beside her, stroking her hair. She turns away to lay with her back against his front. Kaidan wishes she would look at him.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks to the back of her neck.

"No." Her voice is sleepy and muffled. He thinks she might have pressed her own hand against her mouth this time to muffle her sobs.

"It's not your fault." Kaidan kisses her shoulder again.

"Yes, it is."

There's a pause, and her voice is back to her normal evenness. It doesn't sound muffled anymore.

"But thank you."


	3. Shopping

"Do we _have _to go out?" She says from the cocoon of blankets. Kaidan is throwing on a button-up shirt and pauses to look at her askance.

"Shepard. In the _whole_ house we have one jar of peanut butter. You will get hungry and then you will turn into a monster." He tells her, his tone deadpan.

She pokes her head out, giving him a dirty look. "Hey! I resent that!"

Shepard shuffles around, extracting herself from the blankets and stumbling onto the floor. She's only wearing a singlet and a tiny scrap of what he supposes passes for her underwear. She looks completely rumpled and sleepy as she says: "We can live on that. I have some great ideas for that jar."

He wanders over, finishing the buttons on his shirt, to kiss her, she grumpily turns her head up to allow him to. "No, we can't. Two hours in and you'll resort to cannibalizing me."

Shepard pushes him away in mock horror. "No, I won't, sweetie! You're too pretty to eat...I might just gnaw on one of your legs. That's not too bad, right?"

Kaidan ignores the 'sweetie' part; she's just trying to get him to react. Not today. She has him wrapped around her little finger, but he is sick of eating peanut butter sandwiches and stale cereal.

He moves to the small bathroom to try and tame his hair, Shepard doesn't even bother with hers most of the time.

"Shepard, c'mon." He cajoles from the bathroom, his voice bouncing off the tiles.

Shepard huffs as she reluctantly tramps over to her discarded jeans and roughly shoves a leg in. "Alright, alright. Stupid supermarket. They should goddamn home deliver. What is this? The nineteen hundreds?!" He can hear her mumbling under her breath.

Kaidan rolls his eyes at her theatrics. "Yeah, yeah, Shepard. Complaining won't make it go quicker."

"Says you." As he comes out of the bathroom she throws him another supremely dirty look, searching through the pile of clothes she'd dumped on the floor for a shirt.

When she's dressed she stalks up to him, and he's suddenly remind of a languorous big cat. The kind that could eat a man whole. He swallows and tries to grope for the Mako's ignition key. She'll have him never leaving the house again if he can't ignore that look. "Sure I can't tempt you out of this whole responsibility thing and back to bed?" She practically purrs and runs her hand down the little opening in his shirt.

She leans up to kiss him deeply, and for a moment he is lost. But the thought of lunch has Kaidan roughly backing away, like she burns him. "Mmm...No! No. Shepard, you play dirty."

Shepard shrugs, like she didn't expect her plan to work anyway and winks saucily at him. "You love it, baby."

Kaidan sighs and leads the way out to the rented Mako. He pretends not to notice that she ogles his ass.

In the Mako, Shepard turns to him from her perch in the driver's seat. "So, which way?"

"What?" He blurts.

Shepard looks at him like he's a particularly slow five year old. "_Which way_ to the settlement?"

"I thought _you_ knew!" Kaidan exclaims.

"How would I know?! I've only checked it out once. Do I look like Pressly to you?! You know my navigation sucks!"

"Shepard, you're an N7 Spectre. How can it suck?" He says slowly and patiently. Sweat trickles down his back, it's so hot here. The short dash to the Mako was like walking out of a refrigerator into a volcano. He knows, he's been on Therum.

"Ugh fine." Shepard explosively exhales. "I was just trying to get out of it. Aren't men supposed to not like taking directions?"

"Um, no. Shepard, I take your directions every working day."

"Well, aren't you perfect?" Shepard grins at him, her words are mocking but she sounds sincere. "You don't suddenly turn into a caveman when off-duty."

"Thanks, I try."

A mischievous look is back on her face. "Mind you, a little caveman doesn't go astray in the right circumstances." She's winking like a particularly dirty old man and Kaidan has no doubt what's back on her mind.

"You are worse than a teenage boy, and I have _been_ one." He laughs at her, unable to hold a straight and disapproving face anymore. She's so ridiculous and carefree when she's happy.

"I'm insatiable or maybe it's just your animal magnetism, Alenko." Shepard pokes her tongue out at him. Kaidan thinks her messed up childhood has made her strangely immature as an adult sometimes. It's not a bad thing, exactly, but it makes him sad that she'd feel the need to recapture the silliness she's missed out on. He's happy to be silly with her...most of the time.

"Hmm." He hums.

"You drive, I'll navigate." Shepard suddenly bundles out of the Mako, swapping seats with him.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, don't push your luck, LT. I know you hate my driving. Plus like you said, I am an awesome N7 Spectre. A good CO bears her crew's burdens and I will navigate for you. Even though it rips out my heart not to drive my beloved Mako."

Kaidan chuckles at her dramatics and takes the wheel.

An hour later and he's wishing he hadn't.

"I _told you_ to take a right! Just because we're off-duty doesn't mean you suddenly lose your hearing." Shepard snipes.

"Shepard, has anyone ever told you; you are the most infuriating woman in the galaxy?! I took the right!"

"You didn't take it hard enough."

There's a beat of silence and then she chimes in. "That's what _she_ said."

"Oh my god, did you really just make that joke?" Kaidan groans, unable to stop smiling at her. It's an awful, awful joke.

"You bet your sweet ass I did, LT!" Shepard bursts into peals of laughter, snorting in a manner that would shock Kaidan's Ma. It's adorable and he laughs loudly along with her. She leans over in her seat, straining the seatbelt to capacity, to kiss him on the cheek. He turns his head from the red dusty sand road at the last moment, capturing her lips.

The supermarket is practically empty, it's noon and a lot of colonists are taking care of their wind farms or jobs. Kaidan and Shepard wander the aisles, and he's glad for the icy air conditioning.

"Ugh. I'm bored, Kaidan. Take me home and ravish me." Shepard whines loudly, and he turns to her in embarrassment. She's _so_ messing with him.

"Shepard! Shh, someone might hear you!"

"So? Let 'em." She shrugs, sashaying over to the milk fridge. "These colonists could use a bit of spicing up. Milk, dear?" She holds a carton up to her chest, cocking a hip out jauntily.

"Shepard, are you going to call me cutesy names _all _day? And _oh god please_ put that down." Kaidan covers his face with his hand, blocking her terrible seduction attempts from his mind. The word _'milk'_ echoes in his brain and his face heats up. She's an evil woman.

"No no, _snookums_. Just until you stop torturing me, then I'll stop torturing you."

"Plus I think I have heatstroke. Can't blame me, you _made_ me go out." Shepard doesn't have a tiny bit of remorse or shame in her voice. She just throws the milk into the trolley he's pushing and shuffles over to stand beside him.

"Shepard, we cannot spend weeks here just having sex all the time and lying around the house. We need to eat!"

"And there _was_ peanut butter! Geez." She says like it should be obvious and huffs.

They continue on, Kaidan desperately trying to focus on his mental list of groceries and ignore the way her shirt slips down to reveal a creamy, freckled shoulder. He thinks she didn't even bother to put on a bra.

"Wow, it is hot outside. I really need a shower, don't you think, Kaidan?" They're standing in the cereal section, and he looks over to see her arch her back, sticking her chest out.

"Ignoring you." He intones, turning back to the colorful boxes with difficulty. "What cereal do you want?"

"The sweet kind. You know how _I like it_, of course. All wet and milky and just a little _too _much-"

"Oh my god. That's it." He can't take her anymore. She's the worst person he's ever met. He wishes Garrus was here to distract her for a moment so he could get the shopping actually done but he's not, so Kaidan loses his mind.

She lets out a muffled "Hmph!" as he forgets the cereal and backs her against the shelf, kissing her for all he's worth. She's grinning like a Cheshire cat into his lips and cards her fingers through his hair while hauling a flexible leg to rest against his hips. He helps her and lifts the other one, to hold her against the shelf and show her just how much she's got to him. _Kaidan wants her, he needs her_. He doesn't care about the security vids, or the other shoppers or that cereal boxes are raining down around their feet. She's making little encouraging noises in the back of her throat as his palms wander up her shirt, lifting it up to skim the underside of her breasts. She's a bit sweaty and her skin warm. The expanse of her belly pebbles under his hands, the cool gush of air-conditioning drying the sweat cold.

"New to Intai'sei dears?"

Kaidan almost drops Shepard like a hot potato. He has never been so mortified in all his life. There's a middle aged woman standing in the middle of their aisle, a polite smile on her face. She's holding a bag of what looks like some kind of cooked poultry.

He backs a few feet away from Shepard, trying to ignore the mess they'd made of the cereal display. Shepard just flips her hair, and makes a show of picking up the dropped boxes like they weren't about to jump each other in the goddamn _supermarket. _Before Kaidan met Shepard, he _was sure_ he was a perfect gentleman.

"Oh yes. Busy jobs and all, keeps us away." Shepard answers the woman.

"Ah. From Earth?" The lady with the chicken creature politely enquirers, looking at Shepard expectantly.

Kaidan wanders off a little down the aisle leaving Shepard to deal with it. His pants need adjusting and they _still_ need their shopping.

Come hell or high water Kaidan was going to make it home from this supermarket alive with enough food to feed an army. Shepard would not be allowed to kill him...Maybe maim severely. But still, he didn't make it to Lieutenant by being a quitter or shying away from a challenge.

"Not for many years for me, but yeah, we both are." He can hear them conversing from where he picks up some orange juice, studying the label. Shepard hates the fake stuff.

"That your husband, dear?" Kaidan pricks his ears up, wondering what she'll say but pretending not to hear.

"Oh no. He's my pool boy. I keep him around for his ass, you know."

Kaidan drops his orange juice and whips his head around sending her the angriest look he can muster.

The woman she's speaking to looks a little shocked at her blasé attitude.

"I'm kidding!" Shepard laughs waving her hand and shooting him an amused look. Kaidan makes a slashing motion against his neck, silently telling her to quit it. She just winks at him again; Shepard is not intimidated by his mock upset at all. "Ah no, we're not married, I just like to tease him."

"Oh I think it's lovely to see two young people so in love. Why, my Herbert and I came to this planet many years ago just like you. Maybe you'll settle down here, raise a family? We always need the people."

They must be hurting for colonists; this was practically a recruitment drive in the supermarket. The woman's beady eyes must have lit up at the thought of a new young couple to add to their community.

Kaidan almost wishes...No. No, they have their duty.

"Um, no. No, we're just on...vacation." Shepard doesn't sound so terribly amused and cocky now. She sounds...almost wistful.

The lady titters and Kaidan picks up his orange juice. "Of course. Silly me, I didn't mean to pry. Listen, here is my omni-tool contact frequency. You have any problems, you let me know. Maybe we could do coffee sometime when you're back on vacation?"

"That's really nice of you. Maybe we can." Shepard voice is warm, pleased to make a friend. The woman moves on and Shepard rejoins him.

"Pool boy, huh?"

"Yup." She slaps his ass as they walk to the checkout.

When they get home, laden down with shopping bags, she jumps him as soon as the door swings shut. In the living room she pushes Kaidan to the ground, yanking her shirt back over her head.

He grins as bright red apples roll from a dropped bag to settle by his head.

Maybe next time she wouldn't think shopping was _so_ bad. There would have to be many more shore leaves after this one. They could do that coffee and get to know the people here.


	4. Puppy

_Inspired by a very cute render on tumblr. For MandyShepard. I hope you like. Also big gold star to anyone who figures out why Kaidan names his dog that._

* * *

"Wow. I want it."

Shepard's nose is practically pressed against the glass of the pet store in the Wards. She and Kaidan were really meant to be shopping for mods, and a new hardsuit for Garrus, but she'd been distracted by the wriggling balls of fluff in the window.

"Ma'am, that's a kitten."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, LT. I can see that."

"We can't get a kitten." Kaidan comes up behind her, casting an unimpressed eye at the playful kittens.

Shepard sighs. "Why not? In the old days, there was always a ship cat."

"On a wet ship. This is space, ma'am."

"Even more perfect! Cats love space."

"Um." Kaidan's lips are twitching at her, she can tell he's not quite sure if she's joking or not.

"I'm a ship's captain and _I_ say we need a cat." Shepard makes sure to add just a perfect dash of whiny to her voice, but she's joking really. She knows she can't have a cat. Shepard just wants to see how he will react; he's a hard man to read sometimes, always playing things close to his chest. She just wants to know if he's a cat person.

"Wrex will eat it. And what about if we get into a fire-fight and the gravity is turned off? The poor thing will float all around." He tries to argue reasonably.

Shepard laughs at the mental picture of a poor kitten just floating around the ship, maybe butting people in the head where they're strapped in. Garrus would hate it.

She turns away from the window, looking at Kaidan in mock seriousness, and uses her most officious tone. "I can designate you official cat officer. It would be your solemn duty to save him."

"Shepard." Kaidan is smiling for real now.

"Gah. I hate when you 'Shepard' me in that tone. It's so '_you're being stupid right now, stop._'"

They continue on, heading further into the darker parts of the Ward markets. It's nice, walking side by side, almost like they weren't shopping for weapon mods and ways to survive a bullet to the chest, like they were friends instead of subordinate and superior.

"I would never say that, ma'am." Kaidan raises his thick eyebrows at her, half-amused. Shepard hasn't seen much of his sense of humour and she wants to dig it out.

"Mmm hmm. But you _think_ it. You don't fool me, I can see right through you, Alenko." She says, idly picking a mod on a table up and discarding it as no good. Tali would be blown backwards with the force of it. _ 'Maybe Ash? No, she doesn't like that brand.'_ Shepard hums to herself, considering.

"Hmm." He murmurs, examining some pistol extensions on the table further down "You're probably right. Garrus would freak and Tali would be extra-allergic. Still...I think Joker would like it."

They move on, this shop is too pricey. Shepard amuses herself with visions of a kitten crawling all over Joker. _'He would like it' _she decides. A kitten is a small, gentle thing.

"I like dogs." He says suddenly after a few minutes.

Shepard stops and looks at him, the Ward lights are shinning on his black hair. She thinks he looks too serious, standing there in his Alliance uniform. "Yeah? You do look like a dog man."

"I do?" He walks closer to her, seemingly interested in her opinion.

"Totally. You seem all outdoorsy. And you're both loyal and...um, you do that puppy dog eye thing."

_'Plus you're both adorable.' _She thinks guilty. _'Naughty, Shepard. Court-martial flirting, Shepard!'_

"'Puppy dog eye thing?'" He's chuckling uncertainly, taken aback by her lapse in decorum. He doesn't seem offended though, even slightly pleased.

"If you tell anyone I said that, I'll deny it and say you forced me." Shepard says, faking an intense glare. She grabs his arm and yanks him forward to make them both continue walking. He falls into step with her again. She has to make herself let go of his arm.

"_I_ forced _you_? They'll never believe you. I don't think anyone could make the famous Commander Shepard do anything she didn't want to." He can tell he's sneaking her glances from the corner of his eye.

"Ah. There are no easy choices in life, LT." Shepard says this seriously. He should know this, it's something that once taught is hard to forget.

There's silence for a while. It seems he _does_ know about tough choices.

"If I lived somewhere permanent, you know, in a life where I wasn't working most days of the year in deep space or on Arcturus, I would get a dog." Kaidan says wistfully. Shepard almost wishes she could sneak a dog on the _Normandy_ for him.

_'Along with _my_ kitten.' _

"Maybe you can get one, one day. Who knows, maybe you'll settle down." Shepard tries to cheer him. He seems like the kind of guy to be all stable, with a wife, two point five kids and the picket fence. She was actually surprised he wasn't married when she'd fished information from Joker a few weeks ago.

"Maybe." He doesn't sound like he thinks that'll happen.

They buy the rest of their mods in companionable silence and head back to their flying home.

* * *

One day, many years, tears, heartbreaks and deaths later, he finally brings home a tiny puppy.

Shepard does not stop teasing him for a single moment but enjoys how much his face lights up, how much younger he looks when he fusses over that silly dog. He calls it Argos and dotes over it like another son. She draws the line when he tries to sneak it into their bed, though.

She grumpily thinks she _still_ doesn't have her kitten. They'll have to talk _very_ seriously about that. He's supposed to be her partner and here she is: _kittenless. _

"_Who wants walkies? Who wants walkies?_ You do! You're _such _a good boy!" Kaidan jangles the dog's leash in the hallway; he's only just barely back from work and greeted everyone else. He doesn't even sit down for the cup of tea she made him, _'But Shepard, honey, Argos missed me!'_

Some days she has no idea why she puts up with him. Silly dog-crazy man...

She wishes she was at work today, it's driving her mad being stuck at home but she's still on leave. It's ok though, really, she was needed at home. The Golden Retriever skids around the floor delighted to see Kaidan, his tail wagging so fast Shepard can barely follow its movement.

Kaidan bends down on the floor, even with his creaky knees, to pat Argos. Shepard would swear under oath that she sees him plant a little kiss on its blonde head.

"Oh my god, Kaidan. It's a dog. You don't get this excited, _ever_, unless I put on that little number that Kasumi gave me."

"What?" He looks up at her, his face innocent. He's grinning; the full-teeth gleaming kind of smile. Shepard smiles back at him, showing off her crooked set of off-white teeth. He's the only one that can make her smile that wide and unconsciously. Well, unless Garrus has been drinking and tries to dance. "He _likes_ it when I fuss over him."

"More like _you_ do." Shepard scoffs. "I'd come with you for a walk but, you know, I wouldn't want to get in the way of your great love affair."

"Aw, Shepard." He gets up to wrap his arms around her waist, but she determinedly leaves her arms crossed against her chest. "Don't be like that. You know you're the only human for me."

"'Only _human_'? Oh Alenko, you are _so_ sleeping on the couch." She shoves him back to his loyal four-legged friend. "Go. Go out with your precious dog. We'll just stay here at home, you know, your human family who is obviously second best." She sniffs in a lofty manner, stalking up the hall to check on the trouble-makers upstairs.

She can hear him slipping out the door, talking to his damn dog.

"Oh Argos, I pissed her off again. We'll try and find some flowers on our walk, eh boy?"

The dog barks in answer and Shepard smiles. Argos is her secret ally. Shepard could always talk anyone around...eventually.

'_Score one for Shepard! Still got it, baby.'_

She likes the posies he sometimes picks from the park for her, bending down in the dirt and muddying his hands and knees. Simple posies are much better than those pricey, ostentatious and too fragrant arrangements.

Some days she doesn't know what she did to deserve someone like him.


	5. The Mass Hangover

_This one may not be _necessarily_ canon to Changeling. Written very quickly so beware my grammar. It is also terribly fluffy :D_

* * *

Shepard is woken up at three a.m by a call from a C-SEC frequency. She has to grope in the dark for her omni-tool to answer the call, the orange glow lighting the bedroom's gloom. When she hears who it is Shepard groans and sits up; it feels like only minutes since she went to sleep and her eyes are gummy when she tries to hold them open.

She'd sent the boys off earlier, confident that Kaidan wouldn't get into any trouble. Maybe the others would; James in particular, but Kaidan always had a good head on his shoulders and would keep the others in line at his bachelor party. He'd handled squads of hardened marines, Reapers, top secret Spectre missions, a five year old who behaves like a pyjak and Shepard's own terrible temper, with grace and style. Apparently she was wrong. Kaidan Alenko was no better than the average man and had been dragged down to the gutter with the rest of them.

She was four months pregnant, exhausted from her Spectre reports, running after a very active little boy all day and _she supposed to be getting married tomorrow._

Shepard would _kill_ him.

The object of her affection was laying the length of the C-SEC cell, his snores echoing around the room. His clothes smelt like he had been swimming in lager and there was grime all over them. For some reason there was a lager sticker label that said 'Northwest Beer' stuck to his cheek. He needed a shave, dark stubble peppering his cheeks.

'_He looks like a goddamn hobo not a highly decorated Alliance Spectre Major,' _Shepard thought waspishly.

"Second human Spectre, lady and gents," she announced under her breath. Khalisah Bint Sinan al-Jilani would have a journalistic orgasm at this.

Shepard eyed him with unconcealed fury then spun to face the rest of the party on the opposite bench, planting her hands on her hips with the best 'drill sergeant' face she could muster. And she could muster _a lot._ Even with her small rounded baby belly emphasized by her stance and the C-SEC prison bars shielding them from her they shrank back a little with the force of her gaze. Bars would not stop her reaching out and telekinetically banging their heads together with her biotics.

"What on _Earth_ happened to the six of you? And _why_ is my future husband, who I am supposed to be marrying _tomorrow, you might remember_, passed out on a C-SEC bench?!" she yells, gesturing violently at Kaidan on the bench. He mumbles in his sleep and rolls over.

"We are not on Earth, Commander," Javik corrects pompously. She can't tell if he was just feigning ignorance of human vernacular or just doing it to annoy her.

"Shut up, Javik, you know what I meant. Just eat your fish burger," she snaps at him. Javik's four eyes look steadily back at her, seemingly unaffected by her anger. He shrugs and tears into his disgusting burger again. Her stomach gives a tiny heave of disgust, he likes _raw_ fish.

"Now, don't get mad, Lola. Remember, you're workin' on controlling your temper for your health. We only-" James tries to pacify her. Steve makes a shushing noise at him but it's too late, Shepard has already turned her attention to him. For some reason lost on Shepard, James has crammed his massive frame into an old human style police uniform. Shepard privately thinks he looks like a stripper. She's _sure_ that outfit is meant for nefarious purposes.

"You shut it too, Jimmy! I'll get mad if I want, the baby doesn't care! Look at you!" Shepard points out his split lip and ridiculous clothing. He wasn't dressed like that when they came to pick up Kaidan.

"We're very sorry, Commander. We just got a little carried away..." Cortez tries to soothe her and save his friend from her ire. It is a grave mistake.

"Steve."

That one word conveys her utter surprise and disappointment in her dear friend. Cortez was the only one beside Kaidan who she would have thought would have some self control. Apparently not, because it looks like he's not even wearing his own shirt anymore. He is now clad in a far too small Alliance shirt, his moderate muscles bulging out of it. There is some kind of Alliance lettering on it and last she heard he was most definitely _not_ stationed on the SSV Cairo.

Next on the list she turns to the smallest man there, doing his best to appear invisible on the bench, and her eyes widen. "Joker! Is your motherfucking arm _broken_?!"

Joker rubs the back of his neck with his good hand. "Um. Just a little Shepard, nothing major, m-maybe it's even j-just sprained?"

"It's broken," she says flatly, dryly taking in the way he gingerly holds his arm with an unimpressed rise of her eyebrow.

Joker gives up all pretence, shrugging and nodding. He seems to be having trouble focusing on her face. "Yeah, pretty much. Got a bit enthusiastic dancing with umm...some nice ladies."

"Strippers you mean." She rolls her eyes. "You in pain? You need a doctor?" Shepard asks, concerned.

"Nah, I'm good for the moment. I'm a real man, high pain tolerance," Joker says, slurring a bit.

"You're drunk off your ass. I'm calling Chakwas." She tends to her omni-tool call, watching them all shift uncomfortably out of the corner of her narrowed eye. Well except for Javik.

With Chakwas' call done, it starts to hit her how messed up it all is. They are supposed to be meeting the Alliance celebrant at two o'clock tomorrow afternoon. Even Hackett was making time to attend, and now Kaidan doesn't even look like he can stand up straight, his best man is wearing a stripper outfit, Joker's arm is broken and Garrus was supposed to be walking her down the aisle but instead looks like he'd rather sleep for a week.

"Oh god. We can't even have the wedding. He's passed out, you're all in jail. I never should have agreed to this, I told _him_ it was a stupid idea. We don't even need to; he's _so_ stupidly old-fashioned! It's like shutting the barn door after the horse has already bolted-"

"Shepard, relax," Garrus interrupts her rant. Her ears pick up a strange twang in his voice, "Alenko just wants to make an honest wom-"

"Garrus, you don't want to finish that sentence. This isn't the nineteen fifties, if we wanna have all the basta-" It is in the middle of her sentence that it hits her what sounds wrong with Garrus. Shepard takes in his cloudy blue eyes, the way he sits on the bench like it's made of the softest marshmallow and how his voice sounds even more calm and dry than usual.

"Wait, Garrus. Are you _high_?"

"No, no, no. See, everything will be alright. My C-SEC buddies will get us out, you'll see," Garrus waved his talon unconcerned, as if theses puny walls could never be enough to _tame the might of Archangel._

Right now, Shepard was sure her sweet little son tucked up in bed with his hanar plushie could take out Archangel.

"Garrus, they said you were kicked out of three bars and were doing lewd things to the krogan statue. Something I don't even wanna think about, by the way. Joker even tried to ride a Keeper for god's sake!"

"I just wanted to see what it was like!" the pilot cut in. Shepard silenced him with a glare.

"And they said Kaidan was disturbing the peace by loudly yelling he was going to be 'Mr Commander Shepard'! Now as sweet as that might be, the press will be all over this! I told you to take care of him. Not get him drunk off his ass."

Her loudly made point is punctuated by a particularly obnoxious snore from the great lump in the corner and a sleepy drunk mumble that might've been "_Shh Shepard, stop yelling_."

Garrus looks back at her, his mandibles flapping in amusement. "Come on, Shepard. Let him live a little. Ha, I've never seen Kaidan like that...it was quite the show."

Shepard rarely gets angry at Garrus; he's one of her best friends and knows not to mess with her most of the time. But right now she wants to wring his spiky neck. "You know what else is supposed to be a good show?! My wedding tomorrow!"

"Shepard, come to rescue them I see," a wry voice cuts in.

Garrus is saved from a nasty end by the timely appearance of Bailey. Shepard doesn't know who woke him up at this hour for her but she's absurdly grateful to see him.

"Finally. Can you let them out, Bailey? I'll take full responsibility, and pay bail or whatever. Just please, you owe me one."

"Alright. I'll release the hooligans to you. I've hushed it up a little; they only got arrested because some ambassador or other got pissed at the noise they were making when they spilled onto the Presidium. Why this takes me back to my own bachelor party. Never could look at a hot dog the same way again..."

The older man looks thoughtful and maybe a little sleep deprived as he rubs his stubble preparing to launch down memory lane.

Shepard hasn't got the time or patience for this. She is supposed to be _sleeping._

"This is all a very interesting tale, Bailey, I'm sure. But I have a Major to get home and kill. Wanna cover that one up for me?" she jokes half-heartedly.

"Nope, don't care who you are. I'm onto you Shepard, he better make it to that wedding tomorrow breathing."

"Thanks, Bailey. I'll save you an extra big slice of wedding cake tomorrow."

"I'll look forward to it."

Bailey unlocks the door for her and leaves, Shepard enters the cell to roll Kaidan over on the bench and peel the beer label from his face. He looks adorable, and she has to resist being kind to him. He's in trouble.

"Right, boys. Out you get." With James help, they lift Kaidan onto his feet and drag him out of the cell. He looks to be waking a little, mumbling and burying his head into her shoulder.

"Joker, Chakwas is coming to take care of you, don't you give her any trouble or I'll kick your ass off my _Normandy_ for a week."

"You're not my mom, Shepard, geez," Joker childishly pokes his tongue out at her. He smells like vodka and asari perfume when she leans in to press her lips against his cheek in a gentle greeting.

She pulls away from him to lightly tap his shoulder in rebuke. "Hey! I might be forced to lay off the chasing down merc business for the moment but I go to the shooting range every damn day and my sweet, sweet love Rufus is begging for a workout"

"Who's Rufus?" Joker says, his brow furrowed.

"S'her gun I bought her, you idiot. She'll shoot you, y'know?" Kaidan finally perks up, awakened by their voices. He points at Joker, seemingly offended he didn't know the name Shepard had given her new state-of-the-art pistol.

"Oh. Back to the land of the living, my love?" Shepard says, her lips quirking sarcastically. She generally hates pet names, but she gets a sick satisfaction out of annoying Kaidan with the most vomit worthy ones she can come up with. Especially in front of the boys, they never stopped teasing him.

"Lola, we'll leave him to you. Thanks for the bail! Hey, 'my love' you be good for Lola now, I want a chance to pick up that hot cousin of yours at your reception." Vega makes a lascivious motion with his tongue and nudges Kaidan in the ribs.

"Hey, screw you Vega. Y-you stay away from her, alright?" Kaidan slurs.

"Hehe. I'll see you later, hombre! Night Lola." James leans down to kiss her on the cheek and punch Kaidan lightly in the shoulder. Shepard shoots him another dirty look and shoves him out of the door to his waiting transport.

The others move off too, Garrus giving her a quick hug. Joker's face blanches when he see's Chakwas striding towards him with her medical bag slipping off one shoulder. She looks angry, her white hair wild.

"See you later, Jeff. Have fun with Karin," Shepard throws over her shoulder at Joker, smirking at his expression.

The ride home is quiet; Kaidan falls asleep on her shoulder. He wakes up several times, babbling at her. She's noticed over the years he is a very talkative and happy drunk and it makes her smile warmly, her anger melted away. No one was seriously hurt, the press would forever make up unflatteringly lies about her and they all had fun. If Shepard wasn't in her current state she probably would have joined them and gleefully went skinny dipping in the Presidium Lake.

"Shepard! Hello b-beautiful. What are you doin' here? No girls allowed on the...the bach-bachl, ahh whatever, no girls allowed," he stammers, fumbling over the multiple syllable words as she unlocks the door at home and dumps Kaidan onto their couch. He sinks into the pillows. Shepard thanks Liara profusely for coming over to watch the little boy upstairs, hugging her tightly around her bump.

"It was no trouble, Shepard. I was awake anyway doing some work. I am always glad to watch over him," Liara says, her pretty face happy.

"Well thank you, again. You are just the best bridesmaid in the galaxy."

Kaidan just waves over the back of the couch his voice floating over to where they stand in the hallway, "Yeah, Liara, you're great. If I wasn't already a practically married man, I would so marry you."

"I love you too, Kaidan," Liara giggles at his uncharacteristically open affection and leaves with promises to be back tomorrow to do Shepard's hair.

Shepard pads over to observe Kaidan and can't help thinking how much he resembles their son when he's had a bubble bath and is all cute and sleepy while trying to pretend he isn't.

"'Girls' not allowed on bachelor parties, huh?" she asks, with a mock dangerous hint to her voice at his earlier word choice.

Kaidan backpedals rapidly, a goofy grin on his face, "By which I mean biotic g-goddess who is my whole world and goes wherever she damn well pleases, of course."

"That's right. Besides your party ended when that C-SEC officer slapped the cuffs on you." Shepard sits on the couch with him, he wiggles to rest his head on her lap and she begins to stroke her fingers through his salt and pepper hair. There's a lot more salt these days. He makes a small hum of pleasure in the back of his throat that she can feel vibrate on her thigh.

"Hey Shepard. Heeey." Kaidan turns his head up on her lap, better positioned for looking into her eyes. She can't helping smiling back at him, his eyes are so droopy and his face so open and honest with alcohol. "You know what? You are _so so_ beautiful. Really, I-I just can't believe someone like you you would marry me. I'm the luckiest guy alive."

"Oh _LT,_" Shepard laughs, leaning down to peck him on the lips. He manages to be charming even looking like a hobo. "You really are drunk, aren't you? You feelin' okay?"

"I'm feelin' great! Totally ready for tomorrow. After all this time tryin' to convince you, I'd take out a Reaper myself to make it there." Kaidan reaches up to toy with a strand of her hair. It's long now, spilling down her back and he always seems fascinated by it.

"Well lucky for you, they're long dead."

"Lucky," he murmurs, his face falling a little. The war hadn't been lucky, not at all. They both still had their scars. Their nightmares.

"You know, _you know,_ I didn't even _look_ at the s-strippers they hired," he breaks the sad silence by rambling, "It was all them, Garrus even paid for a private dance for me, but I gave it to James. You are _way_ more pretty. And scary."

"What? Even fat and with doctor's orders to lay off the biotics? I probably couldn't catch you if you ran, you know." Shepard is kidding, but she feels a bit weird with the whole pregnancy thing still. It's unfamiliar ground, and she's not used to staying out of the action or being so ungainly. She has to keep reminding herself she's only human and allowed tiny human wants and needs. It's hard to leave behind _Shepard the marine_ and become _Shepard the mom_ sometimes. Kaidan makes being a parent look so easy, he never gets angry or upset and takes utter joy in doing all the 'dad' things. Shepard wished it came half as easy to her.

"You've never looked more beautiful to me," Kaidan says quietly and sits up to place a gentle hand on her belly. "It makes me so happy that we can do this together...we've had a hard few years and missed out on so much. I've lost you so many times but it finally feels like we get out time to be finally be happy together, you know?" Kaidan's face seems clear now, looking her in the eyes so earnestly and with so much love. She can't stand it and leans over to bury her head in his shoulder. Her eyes fill with happy tears.

"Now, you're gonna make me cry. Stop it," she half laughs and sobs a little. Life was never meant to be this easy for her, she'd steeled herself after heartbreak after heartbreak never truly believing they could get to this point - that they'd sit on a couch in peacetime, him drunk and a silly romantic and her a crabby pregnant lady with a wedding the next day.

Where were hardened Commander Shepard and stoic Major Alenko?

Where was the man who had contemplated the barrel of a gun after she died with the first Normandy? The boy who snapped a turian's neck?

Where was the Red girl stealing from the other poor people around her? Where was the woman dying in the ruins of the Citadel?

They'd made it here, she supposed. To get drunk and fat and sappy.

"Don't cry." He holds her face, kissing the tears off her eyelashes. "We're gonna get married and be happy like this with our little boys forever ok?"

"Uh huh," she hiccups in agreement.

"I'll never forget the first time I met you." He reaches out to take her hand.

"I would never have dreamed of the life I have with you," Shepard whispers to him, suddenly scared it will all disappear on her. She's terrified of losing this tiny little family she's clawed from the brink of destruction. They'd almost lost everything so many times. She shakes her head, shaking off the nostalgia.

"Ok, enough of you being sentimental, Alenko. Save your pretty vows for tomorrow, ok? Or you'll run out of material." Shepard roughly wipes the tears away, and puts some of her trademark steel back into her voice. She was alive and she was going to allow herself to be happy.

"I have so much material to talk about you, Shepard. I'll never run out."

Shepard kisses him again. He might have woken her up at three a.m but _damn_ if he didn't make it up to her.

"So how's our little trooper, is he sleeping?" He jerks his head to the ceiling, and moves to get up and check on him.

Shepard stands with him; more steady on her feet than him and grabs his arm to keep him from face-planting over the coffee table. "He's sleeping soundly; he won't be pried away from that plushie you brought back with you from Kahje. Good thing too, he wouldn't recognize his silly drunk daddy."

"Hey! I am a good role model." Together they climb the stairs, still holding hands.

"You look like an idiot and you smell like a brewery. Actually you're making me sick, so you can go take a shower, Major."

"I don't take orders from you, remember. I still outrank you, Shepard."

Shepard just gives him the _look._

"I mean, yes ma'am, on the double ma'am."


	6. Homecoming

_My Shenko feels hurt a lot today because of Mussimm and I needed to write this to feel better. Very quick and rough, but fluffy too. I love fluff :D Again, not necessarily canon to Changeling. I just like domestic and flirty Shenko._

* * *

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy! You're home!"

The little dark-haired boy runs to him as soon as Kaidan walks in the door. His hair flops into his eyes in a curly mass and his little feet are encased in warm socks Shepard has forced him into. It's cold this winter, snow piling up outside. The small boy skids a little on the shiny floor as he tackles Kaidan around the legs.

"Hey, little trooper! How is my little guy?!" Kaidan drops his duffle bag and picks him up easily, burying his nose in his thick black hair. All the stress of his last mission: the smell of gunfire and smoke; melts away to be replaced by the clean, innocent smell of his son. He smells like hope and a fighting chance, goodness and the lavender bubble bath Shepard uses.

The boy struggles, typically restless and wiggles to look Kaidan in the eyes. "I'm not little, Daddy! I've really been good but Mommy says I've been being ob-ob nocks us. What does that mean?"

"It means you are very...um active and take after your mother."

"Yay! Mommy is so cool; I wanna be just like her when I'm big like you, Daddy. Do you think I'll be taller than her, or maybe as tall as you?" Kaidan sets him down, and the little boy tries to help him carry his Alliance duffle bag. Kaidan laughs and pretends that he's actually helping as they troop slowly into the living room

"Son, I think you will definitely be taller than your Mom. It's not hard, buddy. That is if you make sure to eat all your vegies."

"Blagh, but Daddy..."

They dump Kaidan's bag by the couch, and Kaidan notes with amusement that the room looks like a bomb has hit it. There are toys, work datapads and baby bottles scattered everywhere.

"Come on; let's go see your Mom and brother."

"Aw, do we have to? All he does is cry and poop." Kaidan gives him the mock-stern _look_; the one Shepard says makes Kaidan look constipated when he's trying to be cranky. The little boy isn't fooled and mischievously grins, scurrying into the kitchen. Kaidan can hear Shepard humming gently to the baby, her tune is terrible and scratchy but he can hear Andy squealing in happiness.

"Hey you." She looks up from whatever gloop she is trying to make Andy eat to shoot him a beaming smile and plonk the mess down on the table. In seconds she is in his arms, warm, whole and smelling like the baby's milk and her flowery shampoo.

"Hey, Shepard." He whispers to her curtain of hair.

"I missed you." She pulls back to press her lips to his, and in moments he takes the initiative to deepen it, his hand ghosting her soft cheeks, her soft hair. It always feels like the first time when he kisses Shepard.

Or maybe the last chance he'll ever get.

"Ew. You guys are yucky. Dad, girls have cooties, you'll get sick." A tiny voice interrupts and they spring apart. The baby makes a loud squeal, demanding attention.

Kaidan crosses the room and picks him up, holding him firmly against his chest. "Hey Andy, look at you. You've gotten heavier from just last week."

Shepard snorts. "Kaidan. He eats like a baby krogan. It's time I broke it to you: he's not yours. See me and Wrex had this moment of weakness in the back of the shuttle when I was on Tuchanka last..."

"Pfft, look at him, he's all me. Even got my eyes this time." Kaidan jiggles Andy a little, which makes him giggle loudly, and his gummy mouth is stretched in a silly grin. The whiskey brown eyes he inherited from Kaidan sparkle with the easy happiness only a baby can have. Kaidan smirks triumphantly at Shepard.

She just rolls her eyes at his antics, smiling softly. "Yes well. Poor kid will just have to grow up tragically missing his mother's good looks with a face like yours."

"What about me, Mommy? Everyone says I look like Daddy. Am I still good looking?"

"You, my boy, are so handsome I would just eat you up if I could." Shepard ruffles his mop of unruly hair. "I'm just kidding with your Dad. He is actually very cute."

Their eldest son is obviously sick of the adults behaving childishly and tugs on Kaidan's arm. "I learned a new trick, Dad. Can I show you?"

"Sure, I love new tricks. What is it?"

"Ok, ok. You gotta watch carefully, alright? And we need to go outside so I gots room and don't knock stuff over. "

"Ok, hats, coats and boots, alright? Go put them on while I talk to Mommy." Kaidan calls to his already retreating back. Kaidan would have to be quick to properly greet Shepard, he swore the six year old was taking stealth and speed lessons from Kasumi.

"I don't really want to talk to Mommy." He says, making sure to inject a slight rasp into his voice. Shepard likes that, and grins when he puts Andy back in his highchair for the baby to smear more food around.

"Oh no. Is that right Major Alenko, sir?" Shepard teases.

He stalks over to her, pressing her against the fridge and lightly nips the lobe of her ear, whispering. "That's right, Commander."

She shivers in pleasure a little and lets out a breathless laugh.

"Little eyes got in the way of this." Kaidan closes the last tiny gap between their bodies and plunders her mouth again, opening her to him. Shepard makes a hum in the back of her throat when he strokes her tongue that he feels all the way to his groin. _Oh but he missed her so much_, the Spectre missions drag when she is not there by his side. Shepard's and the boy's faces are the first thing he thinks about in the morning and the last when he closes his eyes.

"Mmm. I'm glad you're home." Shepard murmurs when they finally break apart. Her lips are swollen and her skin slightly reddened from his stubble.

"Me too." Kaidan groans. "How long until bedtime? I _really_ missed you."

Shepard pushes him away, and goes to wipe the baby's dirty face. He tries to chew gummily on her fingers. "Only three hours, and let me tell you something. Remember that little present Kasumi gave me for our anniversary? I made sure to wear that since you were coming home. Don't let the track pants fool you: the minute those kids are out, you're gonna work that biotic booty."

Kaidan's thoughts take a steeper nosedive and he gapes a little at her baggy track pants. "Shepard. Are you sure you're not evil?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." She shrugs nonchalantly and winks at him.

Kaidan heads to the sink of dirty dishes and gets a start on washing them while Shepard continues speaking. He wants there to be no left over jobs tonight. "Hackett wants to talk to me tomorrow, go over a few things." Shepard says.

Kaidan nods absently, he'll have the boys for the morning at least. He smiles a little at that. They can make pancakes, waffles with bacon and maple syrup, and have enough for Shepard to have leftovers when she gets home. "The _Normandy_ is fine, by the way. I didn't put a scratch on her; Joker was a clucking hen as usual. How come he's so nice to you?" Kaidan says, mock-frowning at her.

"My obvious charm, duh." She pretends to slap her forehead and laughs. Kaidan thinks she's secretly told Joker to mess with him. "Anyway that's good; I think next week I need to go see Zaeed. The Council said their having a bit of a merc problem, the power vacuum and all. Thought I'd go have a word, see if he knows what's up. You'll be alright with the boys for a week or so then?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine. I don't have any current assignments now I got that one done. It'll be fun. We'll do, you know, manly things."

Shepard laughs, loudly and unladylike as always. "Like what? Sit around in your PJs all day with baby vomit on your shirt? Build pillow forts with the monkey out there while re-enacting the First Contact War?"

"Yeah. Like I said, totally manly."

Kaidan wouldn't trade baby vomit and pillow forts for all the creds in the world.


	7. And Those We Leave Behind

_Yet all things must die._

_The stream will cease to flow;_

_The wind will cease to blow;_

_The clouds will cease to fleet;_

_The heart will cease to beat;_

_For all things must die._

_All things must die._

_Spring will come never more._

_O, vanity!_

_Death waits at the door._

- _Tennyson_

* * *

She hadn't known what would happen on Virmire.

Afterwards Shepard ran the de-briefing and silenced Kaidan's questions with a look and curt dismissal, "We'll discuss this later."

It was not the time or place to bring it up in front of the others. Shepard made offers of counselling for her team and the rest of the crew. Tali couldn't stop crying. Even Joker was terribly subdued, his eyes red. They all avoided looking at Ash's empty seat.

Shepard left them then, walked into the shared showers, flipped the sign to '_female_' and stripped her clothes roughly. There was a strange buzzing in her head, and she felt like her insides were empty. There was just a big gaping hole where her spine should have been. She felt like a meat puppet held up only by an instinctive need to survive and sheer, bloody-minded determination to make Saren and Sovereign pay.

The shower was hot, scalding her skin a bright pink. Shepard slid to the hard floor, the shower pounding her hair down to slick on her cheeks and hugged her knees to her chest.

Great heaving sobs broke from her mouth. Tears streamed down her face stinging her red cheeks. Her throat was raw from where Saren had strangled her and it pulled and burnt as she tried to muffle herself with her palms. Her voice in the briefing had been hoarse with unshed tears and Saren's damage.

She failed. And it killed her best friend. Ash was now dust in the wind.

Shepard gripped her hair, her face twisted in an ugly, miserable grimace and cried and cried and cried. She felt like she could never stop.

Ash would never hug her mother and sisters again. She would never read Tennyson to her father's grave, instead her tombstone would join his. She would never hold a gun, make a joke, get married, laugh or cry. She would never see her family name cleared. Ash was only twenty-five years old and dead.

"Shepard?"

There was a tentative voice from the door. Shepard knew who it would be; she had almost been expecting it. Kaidan couldn't leave it alone.

Shepard strived to stifle her sobs with a great effort, sniffing and hiccupping. She pressed her palms into her eyes so hard she saw stars.

"Didn't you see the sign on the door?" She said. Shepard could hear how nasally and congested she was, the tears in her voice. "This is the women's shower room for the next twenty minutes. Go away, Lieutenant."

"I can't. You're crying."

Shepard desperately tried to stop her voice from wavering. Commanders didn't cry.

"I know. Ash is dead, Kaidan. She's dead." Her attempt at evenness didn't work, she sounded just as ragged as before. She didn't want Kaidan to know she'd been crying in the shower.

"And it's my fault." Kaidan's voice was heavy. She thought she might have heard unshed tears in it as well.

Shepard didn't care. '_You bastard_.'

"_Yours_?! _Your_ fault?!" Shepard stepped out of the shower, not caring about her nakedness. He was standing at the door, just half his head peeking in, in some sense of puritan chivalry. His shocked eyes meet hers for a moment as he took in her dripping wet, naked body. Water sluiced over her skin and her hair dripped into her eyes. Shepard roughly grabbed a towel, wrapped it around herself and yanked his arm. He stumbled fully into the room and she shut the door, locking it. He was startled, his eyes wide.

"_You_ listen to me." Shepard said, poking a finger into his chest. She canted her head up to glare him furiously in the eyes and vehemently wished he was shorter. It was hard yelling at someone when they towered over you. "The crap you pulled before in the briefing room? Not ok. You do that to me again and I don't care how I feel for you. You're off my ship."

Kaidan swallowed harshly. Something that she couldn't define flicked through his eyes.

Shepard knew she was yelling and couldn't stop. Her heart _ached_. "How _dare_ you take responsibility for what happened down there?! The only reason Ash died is because of me. That's on my head and I-I'm disgusted you would have the gall to claim it for yourself."

Kaidan seemed to rouse himself from whatever silence she'd struck him with. "I'm not _claiming_ anything! If I hadn't armed the bomb..."

"Saren might have stopped it. You had no way to-"

"It made you choose! And you _should_ have chosen her." He was angry now. _Good_, she could work with angry.

"I'm _not_ ok with this, Shepard." He took a step closer to her but she held her ground and got into his face, angrier.

"You think _I_ am?!"

"She was young! She was only twenty-five for god's_ sake_." Kaidan's voice broke on the last word.

"And you're only thirty-two! Shall I save people by age now?! Make a handy flowchart?!"

The ridiculousness of having a screaming match with a subordinate while in her towel was lost on Shepard. She wasn't seeing a subordinate anymore, it was just Kaidan and he was pissing her off. Deep down she perversely _liked_ it, anger was such a potent anaesthesia for hurt. She couldn't be angry at herself while angry with him.

"And you know what? Fuck you." Shepard hissed in his face, they were so close their chests were almost bumping together. "Fuck you, you self-righteous prick! I _couldn't_ just leave you behind."

"Why?!"

Shepard knew she wasn't just imagining the sheen of tears in his eyes now, but his brow was still furrowed in frustration at her.

"Please tell me it's not because of _us_, Shepard." He pleaded quietly.

"What if it was, huh? Can you look at me the same way again?! Do you really wanna know, Alenko? Because I'll fucking tell you _why_!" Shepard was not swayed by the way he looked at her. She most definitely did not falter at the lines on his face, the darkness in his eyes. She felt _nothing _for him.

So she told herself too desperately anyway.

"I _chose_ you because you were the superior officer with a higher rank. I _chose_ you because you have unique skills. I _chos_e you because I was afraid the bomb wouldn't go off. I _chose_ you because I can't imagine-"

She broke off. Somewhere in her tirade, tears had started slipping down her face again.

"What?" Kaidan whispered, his exhale brushing her face.

"B-because I-I can't imagine my life without you in it anymore." Shepard was sobbing again, her mouth twisted in a frown so deep she knew that years from now she'd have sorrow lines.

"I chose you because...I don't know why. I-it was all those reasons and none of them. M-maybe I didn't think and maybe I thought too hard."

"Shepard…" Kaidan reached a hand up to remove a wet strand of hair stuck to her cheek. He gently tucked it behind her ear and his hand lingered on her cheek, cupping it. Shepard rest her head, burrowing into it, and shut her eyes. She didn't want to see him looking at her like that, like the reason Ash was dead was found in her eyes.

_In his eyes._

"Please don't. You're too close." She was breathless. They both knew she wasn't just referring to his physical proximity.

They'd kissed once before. It _couldn't_ happen again.

But Ash wasn't supposed to die. The colonists on Eden Prime weren't supposed to die. They _couldn't _happen either but they did.

Sometimes things happened out of Shepard's control.

They could all die any day now.

The silence was heavy and even with her eyes closed she could feel his gaze tracing her face. The shower was still running, hot water being wasted. She tried to focus on the sound of it and not the ache in her chest, the butterflies in her stomach.

Suddenly his mouth was on hers and she was pressing back against him. Her arms twined against the back of his neck, her feet rising on tiptoes to meet his mouth fully. Kaidan's arms came around her back, slipping the towel down her front a little. She pressed her breasts against his chest to stop it slipping all the way, unwilling to remove her hands from the soft hair at the back of his neck. It was apparently a bad idea, he groaned a little into her mouth.

He tasted just like she remembered, soft and sure, insistent but gentle. His hands wandered the planes of her back and she shivered when he reached bare skin. She cared for him, she wanted him to be safe. She wanted to be with him, always.

Along with the miserly sick feeling of grief and guilt in her stomach there was a slow burn building. A small fire that was just for him. It screamed at her to take him right now in this locker room, to let him have her against a wall under that hot spray. They could lose themselves in the grief with each other; find a small measure of comfort.

She cared about him, so much that she was terrified of what that really meant. Shepard didn't know just how far he'd sunk beneath her skin.

Maybe if she screwed him, she would know. She'd know whether to shut this whole thing down, tell him it was just battlefield flirting. Or if she'd fallen for him so hard, there was no way back.

A tiny voice whispered traitorously that she already knew the answer but this rationalization had her shimmying and sliding the towel down to pool at her feet. A cool breeze ghosted over her, puckering her skin with tiny goose bumps.

Shepard opened her eyes and pulled away from his kiss at the same time he did. His eyes feasted on her hungrily, his lips were swollen from her attention and she could feel him hard against her upper thigh.

"Shepard, I-"

"P-please help me forget what I did and remind me why I did it." Shepard knew her expression was vulnerable and hopelessly pleading but she wasn't ashamed in front of Kaidan.

Kaidan swallowed again, and met her eyes. She could see the decision there and leaned in. His mouth opened under hers again, plundering hers this time, hot and insistent and less gentle. Kaidan's hands roamed her bare skin; the curve of her ass, lightly traced the side of her breasts where they pressed against his shirt and kissed her jawline, trailing softly down her neck.

Shepard's heart was pounding, she was sure he'd feel it against his own chest. She reached for his shirt and was just lifting it up when-

_BAM._

The door burst open. Shepard hadn't locked it securely in her distracted fury.

It was Liara looking as shocked and embarrassed as Shepard felt. Shepard scrambled for her towel but Kaidan already had it, draping it around her.

"Um. I-I'm sorry. I…uh d-did not realize the room was occupied. U-Uh, I'll just leave now." Liara stammered and turned abruptly. She didn't even remember to close the door again. Kaidan crossed to it and locked it but it was too late. Shepard could barely stand to look at him.

"I think you should go, Kaidan." She wouldn't meet his eyes as he moved to stand in front of her again.

"Shepard…" He breathed; his hand stroked her cheek again. Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard saw him nod, almost to himself. Then he removed his hand, turned and left the room, shutting the door with a click behind himself.

Shepard padded back over to the shower, shucked her towel and crawled under the now lukewarm spray.

Her tears returned then. It would be all she would allow herself, when they reached the Citadel again there would be no trace of weakness.

She would rip Saren apart.


	8. The Shepherd and Candy

_Happy Halloween for those who celebrate it. :D This is for whichever lovely reviewer who wondered if they would go trick or treating. I'm sorry I forgot who it was because it was lost in my messages, but let me know and I'll add you to this note :P_

_EDIT: It was, of course, for the lovely _gracie21.

* * *

Kaidan has to almost shove his fist in his mouth to keep the laughter from bursting out at the sight of Shepard's costume. She looks ridiculous, and almost unrecognizable. The costume is all frills and pastel blue and white and a big frou-frou skirt. Shepard looks like a girl; years younger and not at all like his usual tough-as-a-krogan wife. She has even scrapped back her dark hair and put on a pretty blonde wig, with her pale skin and dark blue eyes she almost looks angelic.

She's dressed as Little Bo Peep, and together they have dressed Andy as a lamb. Kaidan had fought a pitched battle with flailing baby limbs and dirty diapers to get him into that costume, and he is awfully proud of this small accomplishment as a father. Vega had bet him that his nephew would be cuter, but Kaidan was confident there was not a baby in the world better looking than Andy right now. He gurgles happily under his lamb's wool beanie in Shepard's arms, little wisps of dark curly hair poking out. Kaidan picks up his wife's shepherd's crook from the floor.

"Shepard, you look adorable." Kaidan reaches out to hand her the crook and as he does so, he tugs her baby-blue and white bonnet over her eyes a little. She makes an annoyed face, but can't hold it. A brilliant smile bursts across her lips, lighting her whole face. Kaidan kisses her then, their little lamb cradled between them.

"Ugh! Will you guys stop for once? Uncle Garrus says you and Mommy should be allowed to kiss 'cause you love each other but ew."

Kaidan's eldest son tears down the hallway, and forces his way between their entangled legs. His little head only comes up to Kaidan's hips but the boy inherited Shepard's determination and he stubbornly shoves them apart.

Kaidan easily scoops him up, Alliance soldier costume and all, to dangle him upside down and plant big sloppy kisses all over his face.

"No, Daddy! Stop! Ew! Uncle Garrus says I'm tough and a good soldier and soldiers don't get kissed by their Dad! Eww! Mommy, make him stop!" He's squealing but giggling loudly at the same time; Kaidan laughs and plants him on the floor again when Shepard pretends to smack Kaidan on his arm. Andy shrieks with joy at all the excitement, and drools all down his little chin.

"Hmm. I don't take orders from Lieutenants, you know." Kaidan says, and strokes the stubble on his chin. He mock considers the six year old, walking around him in a circle as if it was a parade inspection.

"But Dad, I'm a Commander now. Mommy said so, she's pro-prom...promoted me." The six year old stumbles over the big word a little, but stubbornly gets it out. His little face scrunches in annoyance at Kaidan's fumbling of his rank and Kaidan marvels that despite how everyone says he resembles his father, in that moment his son is all Shepard's moodiness and perfect surly face.

"My apologies, Commander. But I still don't take orders from Commanders." Kaidan says, and straightens the boy's combat shirt. Kaidan and Shepard had searched for weeks for a miniature version of the Alliance blues; in the end Shepard had just ordered one of the Alliance outfitters to make him a small authentic costume. It looks almost exactly like Kaidan's own, except on a tiny scale.

"You take Mommy's orders." The dark-haired boy pouts.

"Ah. Well, good point there, son." Kaidan just throws Shepard an amused look, she shrugs and smirks as if to say, '_oh yeah. Your ass is mine, my dear.'_

Shepard jiggles Andy a little and straightens his soft lamb shirt. "Come on you two, me and the lamb want some candy. And you are the official candy carriers. We're just here to look cute. LT, you better put your costume on. We promised we'd meet the crew at six." Shepard says.

Kaidan hands the smaller pumpkin candy basket to his eldest son and goes into the living room to throw his costume on over his sweater and jeans. When he comes back Shepard dissolves into peals of laughter.

"Daddy, what are you supposed to be?" His son tugs a little on the sheet Kaidan has thrown over himself. His eyebrows are furrowed quizzically.

Kaidan frowns, a little disheartened. "I'm a ghost. Can't you tell?"

"It's just a white bed sheet with eye holes cut out." Under his mop of curly hair his son's cobalt eyes are deridingly unimpressed. Kaidan was sure he'd been hoping Kaidan would have dressed as a turian; he was obsessed with his Uncle Garrus lately.

"I thought it was neat." Kaidan says with a little sad note to his voice. He wanted to be a cool dad, not the lame kind that embarrassed his kids.

Shepard kisses him on the cheek, through the sheet. "You look very spooky, darling. I love it. _Ghost story_, huh?"

Kaidan grins. "Hey! You got it!"

"Of course, your mom told me the meaning of your name."

Shepard opens the door. It's cold; red and orange leaves drift in the wind, but it's clean and good and fresh. Down the street there are shrieks of laughter and happy children. She shoos the little boy out, then Kaidan follows, making sure to pick up the biggest candy basket.

With Andy in her arms and her little soldier by her side, Shepard leads the way on their quest for candy. Kaidan thinks he has never had a better Halloween as he jogs to catch up with his family. Together they walk down the street, side by side.


	9. On the Origins of LT

They walk across a barren world, the desert air rippling. Sweat slicks down Shepard's hair, curling wet and black against her neck, insects hum and Ash worries at her assault rifle beside her, flicking the safety on and off. Kaidan has taken point ahead of them, scanning for minerals with his 'tool. The Mako had said there would be some platinum around this area and Shepard had ordered them out of the air-conditioned comfort to find the precious metal.

"He's hot, right?" Ash speaks up. Shepard can tell she's bored. Shepard isn't though, even with the heat it is…companionable to walk with her two human soldiers. The assignments lately have been rough, hectic and violent. A walk on a silent world on a treasure hunt for minerals is relaxing to Shepard.

Shepard blinks at Ash, startled from her heat-induced reverie. "I'm sorry?"

"The Lieutenant." Ash smiles and points ahead to Kaidan.

Shepard says, "I really can't comment on that one, Chief," desperately hoping Ash won't pry further. She hadn't been that obvious, had she?

Ashe nudges her with one cocked hip, clanking their armor together playfully. "Oh come on. I saw you checking him out. Almost as much as he was checking you out."

Shepard's heartbeat quickens, a little swoop in her stomach. That's becoming a frequent thing lately and she's still not sure how to make it go away. She's never felt like this before. "Really?"

"Hell yeah," Ash enthuses, "I thought we might have to hose him down when we got back."

Shepard glances ahead, making sure Kaidan can't hear their conversation and by some coincidence, or maybe he felt her gaze, Kaidan turns to look back at her. Their eyes meet and he smiles shyly, a small quirk to his lips. Hardly noticeable, but Shepard sees it. She _always_ sees it. Shepard grins at him, embarrassed and looks away.

"Aha!" Ash crows at their antics, "So you _do_ think he's hot."

"I never said that!" Shepard splutters but she can't wipe the self-conscious smile from her face. Ash is too easy to talk to, she cuts past all the bullshit, and Shepard loves her for it. It's strange, she'd never thought she could be friends with someone so different from herself, but now she can't imagine not serving with Ash, not being read one of Ash's poems over sandwiches in the armory. Shepard has never heard words like the ones Ash's pleasant voice glides over, so flowing and lyrical.

It's fascinating. Ash talks about a benevolent god and Shepard wants to believe while also knowing she never can.

Ash snorts inelegantly beside her. Shepard fusses with her own pistol in its holster, heat blooming across her face and not just from the desert sun.

"Kai-...Alenko!" Shepard calls to Kaidan, wanting to distract Ash from her teasing and get back to the _Normandy_. "Hurry it up."

"Not long, Commander. I've almost narrowed it down!" Kaidan calls back, sloppily waving to her. His voice echoes across the empty sands and seems to shoot right into her heart. Damn him, how can an order acknowledgement be charming to Shepard?

"Uh. What was that?" Ash says, incredulously.

"What?" Shepard turns to her raising an arched eyebrow.

"You got all flustered over his name."

"No, I didn't." Shepard answers too quickly, caught in her fumble.

"Oh, you soo did." Ash smiles, half-laughing.

Shepard gives up; Ash is just going to keep pressing her. "Fine. I feel weird calling him _Kaidan_, it's too informal. But then I don't wanna just bark '_Alenko!_' at him, like some hard-ass. I don't like being a hard-ass with a stick up her butt."

"Uh-huh." Ash nods, considering. "Then call him LT like I do, he likes it and he just looks like an LT. He's cute and needs a cute name."

Shepard scoffs. "He's not cute; he's older than both of us, Ash. I dunno..."

Shepard does think him damn cute though, despite her denials. It's the eyes, she tells herself, the big brown eyes.

"Oh come on, Skipper! Live a little! This Saren business won't last forever and when it's over I want to see you two dancing dirty on shore leave and sticking your tongue down his throat." Shepard laughs at the mental image, Ash never does mince words.

"Men?" Ash continues, "It drives them wild to know you've got a special name for them."

Shepard thinks about her advice, realizing something. "So what about _you_? I don't want to step on anyone's toes…"

Ash was the one who came up with LT in the first place, and if _she_ is telling Shepard to use it as a flirting method…

"Oh Shepard!" The bubblegum armored woman shakes her head. "Sure, he's easy on the eyes and if he weren't right into you I would probably try and throw a leg over him. But, no, _no_. I backed _way_ off when he inserted his foot firmly into his mouth and called you beautiful."

Shepard breathes an internal sigh of relief; she had worried for a moment there. If Ash had been interested she would have let her have him, ignored the frat regs for Ash and tried not to feel like she had let an once-in-a-lifetime thing slip by. Shepard wouldn't have really known how to handle two of her crew hooking up, she preferred to deny all knowledge and let them handle it like adults. Bad commander policy maybe…But Shepard didn't join the Alliance to tell people how they should and should not feel.

She certainly didn't have any control over her own feelings….

Ash speaks up again, "Besides, you like him, and you're my friend...not to mention a scary-ass commander who will kill me with your brain."

Shepard laughs loudly, the sound travelling to Kaidan who looks back, smiling again. Shepard waves to him jauntily, silently telling him to go back to what he was doing. Kaidan shakes his head at the two women and brings up his tool again.

"Aw Ash, I'd never kill you. Who else would encourage me in horrible life decisions?" Shepard leans in and bumps back against Ash's shoulder.

"The only horrible life decision would for you to not get a piece of that." Ash motions to Kaidan's ass. Shepard feels a little bad that they are talking about him like this, when he has no idea, but she also cannot stop smirking at his armor-clad behind.

"Also, we never had this conversation." Ash says.

"I never heard a thing." Shepard nods vehemently. _So_ not a reg-friendly conversation, but nothing on the _Normandy_ seems to conform to regs these days. Why start now?

When they are done, the Mako loaded onto the _Normandy_ again, minerals surveyed and they are thoroughly sweaty and sand-blasted, Shepard starts to clamber down from the Mako's cockpit.

Kaidan is already on the deck, and he holds out a hand to steady her. Shepard grasps it and hops down, and for a moment his hands settle on her waist to catch her. It's not a big drop to the ground, but the other week Tali had been a little clumsy and face-planted out of it. He's just being polite but Shepard's heart races at the contact.

"Thanks, _LT_." She murmurs, remembering Ash's advice.

Kaidan looks startled for a moment, catching her eyes. Shepard thinks that maybe a little bit of pink suffuses his dusky cheeks. "Um...you're, ah, welcome Commander."

Coming around from the other side of the vehicle, Ash gives Shepard a big grin and a thumbs-up. The motion catches Kaidan's eye, "What?" he says, looking at the Gunnery Chief confusedly.

Ash smiles innocently. "What, sir?"

Shepard walks off to the showers; she has to bite her lip to stop the shit-eating grin threatening to break across her face from inviting questions from the crew.

Kaidan questions Ash curiously again, and Shepard can just hear Ash's retort of: "I'll tell you one day, LT. When you're old and grey and I'm forever awesome and hot and still giving great advice."


	10. Helmet

_Sometime between ME1 and ME2. The _SSV Normandy_ has been on patrol for geth in the Terminus system for weeks, searching for any resistance or signs that the Reaper threat is not over._

* * *

"How long do you think we can keep this a secret?" Kaidan whispers to the darkness. His short nails are scratching across her bare back, she writhes beneath them. Her muscles pull sinuously under his palms and Kaidan feels sated happiness. Shepard hums sleepily. He leans down to press his lips to one of her sweaty shoulders, across a shoulder blade and to the middle of her spine. He tastes salt and smells himself on her.

"As long as we need to. It's not anyone's business except our own." Shepard replies and rolls onto her back, her front now revealed to him. Kaidan skims his lips over one of her peaks, mouthing slowly upwards and bends his head to kiss her pink lips. She twines her arms around his neck, deepening their embrace. They have spent all sleep cycle together in her bed and still he wants more. The stolen hours they have never feels like enough. His eyes are dry and droopy though, they have to be up and in-command in three hours.

He doesn't know if they _should_ be having this affair, only that it feels right to him. In quiet moments, sometimes when he's with the rest of the marine detail, he starts to feel a creep of guilt. They are smashing regulations, cutting into their sworn oaths with every stolen kiss and every clandestine embrace. His name on her lips as she comes could be the nail in the coffin of their careers.

Technically they are a crime together, a secret mutiny against authority. Maybe they are a smaller indiscretion than stealing a prototype warship, but still, it is enough to land them in the Alliance brig.

Kaidan wishes he knew before how good indiscretion felt. As her tongue gently probes his mouth, he thinks maybe it's not the lack of responsibility giving him this heady rush, maybe it's just Shepard. His hands skim over her flat belly, up to her breasts and he nudges her legs apart with his knee, rolling on top of her in a swift movement.

She pulls away from the kiss to moan brokenly. "Kaidan, we can't go _again_. I won't be able to walk right tomorrow and I won't be the one to explain _why_."

Kaidan laughs into her neck. "I know, it's just-"

"It's just…I'm _simply_ irresistible, right?"

"That's right. You found out my dirty little secret. I'm a sucker for pretty blue eyes."

"Ooh." Shepard exhales. "You charmer, you. You know…" Shepard's thin and elegant fingers dart over his hip, inching close to his length teasingly. "I think if anyone asks, I'll say I pulled a muscle doing a rep."

Kaidan sucks in a breath between his teeth when she reaches her target. "Best plan I ever heard."

They don't sleep for a long time that night, lost in each other.

In the morning, he leaves Shepard sleeping and dashes barefoot to the sleeper pods when he thinks the coast is clear, jumpy at being caught.

He's almost there when-

"Nice night for a little stroll to the commander's cabin?" Wrex laughs drolly at Kaidan's struck form, he's paused mid-step eyeing the krogan with embarrassment.

Kaidan coughs. "Um. I was just checking out…her console for her. You know how she likes to wreck the boot-up."

"Oh yeah. I hear she likes to wreck it, alright. Boy, you can drop the act. She comes to breakfast every morning reeking of you."

"Oh." Heat floods Kaidan's face.

"Ba ha!" Wrex laughs. "Nothing to be ashamed of, whelp! Only way to beat the Genophage, practice, practice. If she were krogan, you'd be neglecting your duty."

"Uh…Wrex, humans don't have the Genophage. We're not trying to…you know."

"I know that, you pyjak! I'm just saying: you should get a move on with that. Heh. You all live such short lives and you waste it on boring paperwork and strange societal rules. Humans, I'll never understand you."

"Yes well, that's the thing. Rules." Kaidan runs a hand through his messy hair and wishes he'd just stayed in with the sleeping Shepard. "Just um…don't go spreading it around."

"Don't worry, Alenko. Anyone asks and I say you were in that pod all night sleeping like a baby varren."

"Thanks." Kaidan nods awkwardly and starts to creep to his pod, face still burning.

"You owe me a bottle of ryncol though." Wrex calls after him.

"Done, Wrex. Whatever, just…just keep it under your hat."

"I don't wear a hat." Wrex drawls.

"Oh, you know what I mean!" Kaidan slams his sleeper pod shut, mortified.

* * *

Shepard takes Kaidan and Tali down to the next planet on their list with geth activity four hours later and Kaidan half wishes she'd taken Garrus instead of him. She's in an absolutely foul mood, when he tries to help her suit up, she snaps at him and slaps his hands away.

He has absolutely no idea what he's done this time, and hopefully puts it down to her lack of sleep. He doesn't think in the space of time he's last seen her that he could have done something to piss her off. Though it's hard to tell with Shepard sometimes, her temper is notorious. But usually it's directed elsewhere, not at Kaidan.

They take out a small geth camp; it looks like it served as a base of some kind. There are dragon's teeth spikes like the ones on Eden Prime scattered about, and most disturbingly: husks still impaled on them.

The geth contingent left behind is so weak and strangely disorganized that it only takes about ten minutes to clear them. Tali and Kaidan Overload their shields and Shepard rips them apart with biotics.

Afterward they take stock of the base, gathering what little intel they can. Kaidan watches Shepard examine the spikes, she kicks one with a booted foot in anger.

"Stupid geth. This is sick what they do." She spits.

"I know, Shepard." Tali says. "The geth are soulless and unfeeling, they deserve to be wiped out like the mistakes they are."

Kaidan doesn't mention that the quarians are the ones who made them that way. Tali is his friend, and it's really none of his business. He's just here to protect the innocent from the harm that the geth wrought. Kaidan remembers Shepard's broken arm from the Citadel and his grip tightens on his rifle.

There's a sudden metallic screech, the spike is lowering and a husk crawls off it. It snarls at Shepard. She raises her hand and Pulls, the husk floats harmlessly and Tali's shotgun tears into it with a _crack._

Kaidan relaxes his stance again, lowering his omni-tool and cancelling the cryo-blast he had readied.

He half pays attention, concentrating on scanning the atmosphere for any interesting things that would entice the geth to this particular abandoned world. It has a low oxygen concentration, fine for the short term, but would eventually lead to sickness in humans. Shepard had ordered them all to wear helmets on this mission.

It's because he is focused on his omni-tool results that he first misses Shepard leaning over the husk's remains, examining it. Her sudden lurch to her knees and Tali's cry of "Shepard!" whips his head around.

Her hands are in the dirt and she's heaving into her helmet. Kaidan panics, was she hit and he didn't notice?

"Shepard!" He's over at her side in a flash searching for injuries. "What's wrong? Are you ok?"

She doesn't answer. Over her suits comm, she sounds choked, like she's…vomiting.

Her hands are scrambling at her breather helmet, fumbling at the catches.

"No, Shepard. Leave it-" He tries to stop her but she already has it off. He's right, she is vomiting. The remains of their sugary cereal breakfast spill out of her helmet to the dirt next to the husk's ruined body. It's all down her chin, and front of her armor. Shepard's gasping now, hit with the low oxygen content.

Kaidan swears. He can't do anything to clean her face up; his armored hands won't allow him to wipe it away.

Instead, he forces her to put her helmet back on, as much she protests, it's better than her suffocating to death.

She eventually stops retching and groans. "Oh. Should not have looked so closely at that body."

"Yeah, Shepard. My, err, shotgun did some damage." Tali says.

Kaidan glances distractedly at the husk, more focused on Shepard's wellbeing. One of its arms is blown off, circuitry and tendons protruding. It's grisly but that has never bothered Shepard before.

Kaidan curses himself for making her stay up so late last night. It's not healthy and he shouldn't have been so selfish.

"Shepard, we should head back and get you cleaned up. There's nothing of interest here. It's like the geth were hiding out." He reaches under her arm to pull her gently to her feet, dirt sticking to the rear of her armor. Unable to stop himself, even in front of Tali, he brushes it down, cleaning the blue and white jumpsuit.

"Thanks." She mutters. Kaidan can tell she's embarrassed at her display but he doesn't blame her for losing her breakfast. The first time he had seen a husk he hadn't stopped shaking for a day.

Back on the ship he sees her slip off to the locker room and he follows, locking the door behind them.

She's stripping off her smelly, splattered armor and shoving it into the armor sanitizer for cleaning. Without saying anything Kaidan helps her, and she lets him. He goes further once he has the hard pieces and ablative weave off, pulling her sweaty singlet and skintight pants off as well.

"Shit, Kaidan. I lost it down there." She's bright red, and won't quite meet his eyes.

"Go hop in the shower and I'll tell you a story." Shepard nods, and naked, she shuffles to the shower. Kaidan strips his own armor and clothes and joins her.

As he starts to shampoo her hair for her, he speaks. "The first time I killed a man-" Shepard opens her mouth and he cuts off what he knows she'll say. "Not Vyrnnus, I mean _really_ meant to kill a man. I put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger. I was twenty-three and green and he was an enemy combatant. I think he was a merc. Anyway, I had no choice and he was scum. But that didn't mean I didn't spend the next week unable to eat a thing."

"You didn't spew your guts up into your own helmet." Shepard glares at him through the soap bubbles slipping down her face, Kaidan smiles and massages her hair under the shower stream.

"No, that's true. Because wow, that's really gross, Shep." Shepard barks a laugh at him and punches him lightly in the stomach. "But I think I lost five kilos and had nightmares."

"I know. It happens. It just doesn't happen to _me_, usually."

"You're human, just like me or anyone else." He says as he traces the soap across her stomach, lightly cleaning her.

Shepard sighs and leans against him, shutting her eyes tiredly. "I wish I was a robot or something. Or you know, perfect."

"Shepard, you are perfect to me. Vomit and all."

"Even when I snap at you when I don't mean to?" She mumbles into his chest.

"_Especially_ then."

Kaidan hugs her under the warm stream and thinks that their little indiscretion is the best thing to ever happen to him.


	11. Sparkage

_Takes place relatively early in ME1, after Feros._

* * *

A blue planet revolves slowly below them; Kaidan doesn't even know its name.

It's beautiful and remote and it just seems to drive Shepard more nuts with frustration. He hears her voice cursing the blue sphere, he thinks she might be casting dire aspersions on its mother and her relations with a vorcha. He decides to give her a wide berth while she's ranting like this, although deep down he finds her temper endearing and knows that she's only joking in that strange way of hers.

The _Normandy_ is resting in the planet's azure orbit, quiet – a sleeping eagle.

He's troubleshooting with a tech in the bank of seats before the cockpit. The damn firing algorithms have been malfunctioning, sending off tiny heat signatures that could cause the state-of-the-art stealth systems to be rendered useless.

Shepard has them hovering over the planet, discharging the drive core, while they work on the systems.

She's been clucking over them like a mother hen all day, grilling Joker in the cockpit on when the systems will be back online. Kaidan can hear her raised voice, she's not angry at the pilot though, just anxious.

"Hey LT! Get your butt in here, I've got a question," she calls to him. Kaidan's face heats at her irreverence but he jogs into the cockpit with an, "Aye, ma'am."

"Joker says that the algorithm is all out of whack because someone messed up the calibration code." Shepard's arms are crossed over her chest and she worries at her bottom lip with her teeth.

"Now, he could have just told me that Saren waltzed in and pissed on the console and I would probably have believed him because I know sweet fuck all about this. But I'm inclined to trust him this time. Can you help out here?" She asks, gesturing to the spread of orange holographic screens, _Normandy's _schematics dripping down them in lines of code.

"Yeah, ma'am that looks like the results we've been getting out there too. Here, I'll show you," he says.

Kaidan slides into the co-pilot seat and she sidles close beside him. The position puts her uncomfortably close to him, she's not even aware that if Kaidan turns his head _just so_, his eye line is directly level with her chest, impressively encased by the figure-hugging blue shirt.

Kaidan swallows hard and tries to think about calibrations. She leans over further, just accidentally brushing his shoulder with a one soft mound and his mind has a mini-meltdown.

This was _so _not why he joined the Alliance. They had rules against torture, he thinks a little desperately.

"Um. S-so you see here?" He stammers, pointing to an errant line. She squints her eyes at it. "A line of code was inputted incorrectly, and it's propagated through the whole targeting matrix throwing the whole thing off every time we arm the guns."

Joker nods from his precious pilot's throne. "Yeah. Every time we want to fire it's like stripping, painting us in neon glitter and parading us through the middle of the Presidium with _'Ride of the Valkyries'_ playing. It'll take hours to fix."

"Aw shit." She sighs; she's on a tight schedule. He knows the Council is putting a lot of unfair pressure on her to deal with Saren and his geth.

"Yes, ma'am," he nods agreeing with her annoyance.

She bites on her thumb, Kaidan notes with a pang that the nail is ragged. "An extra pair of hands help?" She asks.

"Sure." Joker pipes up, glancing away from his screen at her. "Won't really hurt anyway, unless it's the tech that messed up in the first place. Alenko and I can do it mostly from here, but someone needs to get on the console by the guns."

"I'll get Garrus." She claps her hands together, rejuvenated by Joker's confidence in their ability to fix it. "Hang tight. I'll be right back."

"Hanging tight, ma'am." Kaidan makes a tiny joke with her, mock gripping his seat tightly. She smirks at him, amused. And he is _so not_ terribly pleased with himself.

Of course not. That would be ridiculous to have his whole day automatically brightened because she smiled at his crappy joke.

She walks away and he also _does not_ follow the sway of her hips as she heads down to the shuttle bay. Kaidan thinks she has really nice hips. Not that he would ever be looking. No, he just happened to glance that way.

"Holy shit." Joker exclaims.

Kaidan looks up, alarmed at the pilot. He hopes Joker hasn't made another code error that will make Shepard chew her other nails. "What?"

Joker laughs instead, crowing with delight. "Williams was right about you! I can't believe I didn't listen to her!"

"What?" He says again, confused with whatever he's done to put that self-satisfied smile on Joker's face.

"Don't '_what_' me, all innocent-like. You like her! Admit it!" He demands. Kaidan's heart beats a little faster. Had he been caught watching her?

"Of course I like her." He deflects. "She's a fine officer."

"Oh no, no. Don't play coy, Alenko. I'm talking you _like_ her. You want to _know_ her in the biblical way. You want to test out that N7 stamina. You want to run your hands over those-"

Kaidan feels a little spark of anger at Joker. "Hey now. Show some respect," he censures. "And you're wrong. That's ridiculous. Fraternization is against regulations."

"Ha! Is that why you're going red right now?"

Kaidan desperately wills his face to not betray him. "I am not."

"Are too," the pilot fires back childishly.

"Am not."

"Are too."

Kaidan huffs, "I'm not doing this with you, Joker."

He thinks this might have been a small taste of what growing up with a brother would be like. He had always wished his parents had more children, so he wouldn't have had to play alone. After the eezo accident, after all the doctor's appointments and the nights he could hear his mother and father screaming at each other over blame for the accident, they hadn't wanted to risk more children. Back then, the effects of eezo on reproduction weren't well understood. They had been afraid of birth defects.

Kaidan thinks if he ever has kids, that he doesn't want them to be alone.

But right now, with Joker, he is rapidly revising that thought. Maybe having a little brother isn't all it's cracked up to be.

"Well, well, well." Joker is still laughing in the maddeningly annoying way.

Kaidan wants to yank that hat off his head and hit him with it, but the pilot continues his ribbing.

"You've finally met your match. This is perfect. She's got you tripping all over yourself!"

Kaidan squirms in his seat, hyper-aware of his every movement.

"I thought when we picked you up from Arcturus, you were one of those career dudes, all '_yes sir, no sir, ten-huts!_'" The pilot throws him a sloppy salute and a grumpy mockery of Kaidan's serious expression.

"But you're an actual human being who apparently just wants to get in her pants,_ really badly."_

"Joker!" He barks. "Please don't speak about her like that. Even if...even if I _liked _her. I wouldn't-"

"Oh my god." Joker's green eyes widen in mock horror. Or maybe it's real horror..."It gets worse. You don't wanna just bone her." He sounds almost scandalized and if Kaidan could escape from the cockpit he would. He'd just crawl back to his console by Shepard's cabin and pretend not to exist.

Joker won't stop talking though. "Because I don't really blame you there. There's something about her big blue eyes, y'know? She's not a bombshell but she's got that smouldering vulnerability and passion thing going and holy shit I think I'm talking myself into thinking about boning her myself and this just got weird."

He throws the pilot a scathing look, pretending to tap away at his console without really seeing it.

"Are you done?" Kaidan growls at the flight lieutenant.

His stomach is doing flip-flops now; he can feel his face glowing from the blood in his cheeks. Joker's right: Shepard _is_ a small, lithe bundle of passion and vulnerability and smirks and winks and just that right note of teasing and kindness that makes him want to ask her out to dinner.

If she was a civilian...

He would have already set up a second date, if she would have him. He thinks she might have liked to go ice skating, something fun.

"No." Joker rebuffs Kaidan's attempt at deflection flatly. "This is wonderful. Look at you! I finally have something over you."

"Joker..._even_ if I was going to go there, _which I won't because it is wrong_, she's my CO." He tries to reason with him, tries to get him to drop the highly embarrassing conversation. "_Even_ if I was, I-I um don't think a woman like that wants some old soldier, a defective biotic."

Kaidan rubs his neck, uncomfortable. It's true; Shepard is so bright and colorful. Next to her he feels like...the most boring guy in the galaxy. And worse, he doesn't feel like she'd want to sit with him as a migraine pounded over him. She deserves to be with someone young and whole and vibrant like her. Someone she wouldn't have to bear the burdens he has.

Joker waves him off, as if those reasons are inconsequential. "Oh man. You should give it a go sometime on shore leave or when you're not serving together anymore. She's been eyeing you off too, y'know. You actually think she pressed up against you accidentally before?"

"Of course it was an accident. She's-"

"She's into you, man. Don't be naive, I didn't see her getting all cozy with _me_."

Kaidan looks at him disbelievingly.

"Don't look at me like that. You'd be surprised. Ladies dig the 'soulful soldier with a heart of gold' thing."

"Joker." Kaidan gapes. "You _did not _just say that to me."

Where did Joker come up with that crap?

"Ok, ok." Joker winces, realizing how stupid he sounds. "Ash said that, I just thought it sounded good. She gossips. I listen. We're a team."

"Uh huh." Kaidan raises an eyebrow sternly. "Well, just keep your scuttlebutt to yourself. Shepard doesn't need the rumors."

"More like you don't want me to embarrass you in front of her."

"That too. So shut it will you?"

"No promises, buddy." Joker turns back to his work, swiping a data stream across to Kaidan. "I like you looking all human like the rest of us slobs."

"I never pretended to not be human, Joker."

"No, but you had this whole '_cold, keep to yourself'_ vibe. I'm just messin' with you, you know?" Joker sends him a furtive side look, perhaps realizing he might have taken his teasing too far.

"Yeah." Kaidan wants to get a little bit of his own teasing in, sweet revenge. "So how about you and Ash?"

"Oh no." Joker coughs. "Not going there. There's regs, man."

"There is."

"Besides, I'm carefully plotting how to steal Shepard away from you. I'll wedge my way between that crackling sexual tension somehow."

Kaidan actually laughs this time, picturing him and Shepard in an embrace and Joker physically wedging himself between them. Then he wishes he hadn't imagined embracing Shepard, because there lays a path of ruin and folly.

"Very funny. We don't have," he almost whispers, dropping his voice so no techs in the hallway can hear, "_sexual tension_."

"I thought we did this like two seconds ago?" The pilot rolls his eyes. "I sense some major _sparkage _between you two. I was just about to kick Shepard out of the ship to discharge over the planet too. She was smokin' hot for you."

"'Sparkage' isn't even a word. If you don't shut up, I'm telling Shepard the server and folder you stashed your porn on and she'll delete it all." He replies, injecting a dangerous note of warning into his voice.

Joker holds up his hands, defeated and surrendered. "Too far, man. Too far. But, shutting up now."

"Good."

It's good he does, because Shepard chooses to bound back into the room three minutes later. Kaidan tries not to linger his gaze on her, but he's too self-conscious with Joker there and thinks he just makes it more obvious.

"Alright!" She chirps, breathless and cheered up now that the _Normandy's_ issue is being sorted out. "Got Garrus on the job. Kaidan, you're relieved of your other duties for the rest of the day. I want you and Joker to fix this."

"Aye, aye, ma'am." He nods.

"Right, well." She rubs her hands together eagerly, eyes a bright, happy blue. He can't help smiling at her and she smiles back. "I'm gonna go get some chow. Pressly has the deck. Comm me if there's any problems."

"Right, Shepard."

She turns to leave but stops for a moment. "Oh and Joker?"

"Yeah?"

"You wanna 'steal' me? Better shave that beard and dial back the sarcasm and fetish porn a notch. Then we'll talk business."

Kaidan's heart actually stops, and he withers in his chair. He considers, for a crazy moment, blowing the _Normandy's _windows out biotically and jumping for freedom, vacuum of space be damned. Joker splutters beside him, whipping around in his chair.

Shepard just smiles saucily, tapping her ear. "You left the comm on. My earpiece was still tuned in. Smooth move, guys. Catch ya later."

She jauntily walks away to get her lunch from the mess. This time, he blatantly watches her hips sway and so does Joker.

Kaidan grits his teeth. "Joker, I'm going to kill you."

The pilot sighs, meeting his furious glare. "Alenko, I'm going to kill myself."


	12. Who Dares, Wins

_Before Virmire, but after all the other missions._

* * *

_The fight is just another way we make love._

_The chase of our quarry drives us forward, to that elusive _more_, always wanting and needing. There's the thrum of blood through our veins, a feral grin that says 'you are mine.' There's the thrill of two warm, hard bodies colliding, a weight bearing down as we scuffle on the ground, grinding and rolling. _

_There's the battle for advantage, for the higher ground. The Rules of Engagement break down at this level. We probe weaknesses, learning where it hurts, where we can touch, where the most damage is done. Sometimes, we fake submission. Other times, our souls bay for dominance. They have both existed since the birth of humanity and will continue to the end of humanity._

_The fight is just another way we make love. _

* * *

"Shepard, are you sure about this?" Kaidan says as he worriedly tapes his hands. Shepard grins at him and just continues to stretch her limbs. He notes with a low spark of arousal that she's quite flexible, bending and stretching. Her yoga pants mold to her ass like a second skin. Joker's eyes had nearly fallen out of his head at the sight.

Kaidan is glad he can't come to watch them spar. Shepard had specifically timed it so they could do this in peace without voyeurs. They are both off-duty, a few hours of down-time before their sleep cycle. Wrex is scoffing dinner down, Garrus occupied with calibrating partnered Joker. Ash is sleeping and Pressly has the deck. Tali is in the engine room, as usual nattering away with Adams. The cargo bay is empty except for them and the bright padded blue mats she has laid on the floor.

"Kaidan, it's fine." She soothes. "We're not using weapons. And I promise not to punch you in the face, and break that nice nose of yours."

"Yeah well, thanks for that." He says sarcastically, Shepard rolls her eyes at him. "But this is biotics sparring; I wouldn't call that not using a weapon."

"No, it's better, see?" Her eyes brighten in excitement. "As long as we don't throw one another across the room, it'll be really interesting. Come on, tell me that you've never wondered what it's like to spar with an equal, or as close as you'll ever get to one not on the battlefield?"

"I've sparred before, Shep," he responds gently. "At Brain Camp…they made us."

A blush creeps up her high cheekbones and she stammers. "O-oh. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't even think-"

"No, it's fine." Kaidan rushes to reassure her, he didn't mean to make her feel bad. "I just don't want to hurt you.

"Kaidan, you're incapable of that." She crosses over to him and places her hand on his shoulder. "I trust you."

"And I trust you." He reaches up to place his palm over her grip on his shoulder and she smiles. "Ok, you're right. This could be fun."

Shepard dances away from him, skipping onto the mat and he follows.

"Alright." She places her hands on her hips and puts on her big bad Commander voice. "Rules: No drawing blood, stay on the mat, biotics allowed but um I guess…_gentler_ than usual."

"Ok." He shrugs in agreement. "Winning terms?"

"Shoulders held on mat for two consecutive minutes. Whoever successfully pins the other, by whatever means, wins."

Something that he hasn't heard for years pops into Kaidan's thoughts and he can't help muttering them under his breath. "Qui audet adipiscitur."

Shepard hears it and quirks one dark eyebrow in amusement. "I have no clue what the fuck you just said, LT."

His face flushes. "Sorry, it's just an old saying my Pa used to tell me, when I was a kid. Er, I was a little…shy and well, it means 'who dares, wins.'"

"'Who dares, wins." She repeats back to him, tasting the words, her forehead crinkling in thought. "I like that. Yeah, we'll go with that." She nods firmly, beaming. Kaidan has the sneaking suspicion that phrase will make its way into a rousing speech at some stage, or something she will throw back at him whenever he disagrees with one of her wild flights of fancy.

"Ready?" He asks.

"Ready."

Kaidan stands still, waiting for her to make the first move. She's impulsive and too brash sometimes. He's confident she will strike first and he will be ready.

She doesn't disappoint.

Shepard thrusts her hand in a sharp jab, and pulsar of blue energy flies towards him in milliseconds.

Kaidan breathes, using his infamous calm and gathers energy in his palm. He reaches out to bat it aside as it careens at him. She'd tried to pull him off his feet; if it had connected he would be flying across the mat into her waiting body.

Shepard smirks. She had expected he'd do that. Quick as a flash she launches herself across the mat to him, dodging out of his grapple that he uses to try and grab her by the shoulders.

She drives her weight into his torso to try and knock him over. Kaidan's breath is knocked out of him slightly but he plants his bare feet and holds firm.

She's grossly miscalculated how much he weighs relative to her. She's used to taking down mercs, and slavers, not other Alliance soldiers who have had the same recruitment gene therapy as her. Even with her N7 commando training he is still as physically strong as her, and outweighs her too much.

Without adjusting her mass artificially or getting a good grip on him, there is no way she can take him down with his feet planted so widely.

Shepard wasn't built for brute force, for hand-to-hand combat. For all her foul mouth and protest otherwise, she's an elegant, small woman. The very model of an Adept used to getting her way with gravity wells, not fists.

Kaidan grabs her waist, hands scrabbling under her shirt at her stomach and uses his grip to roll them both onto the floor.

Her breath puffs out of her in an '_oomph_' as they hit the floor, but she's quick and slippery and he loses his opportunity to pin her when she uses his own momentum against him to roll and straddle his waist, leaving him on the bottom.

Luckily for Kaidan's ego, she's in all the wrong position to force his shoulders to the mat, and he keeps them off it. She puffs in exertion on top of him, thighs on other side of his stomach.

He feels himself stir at the heat at the apex of her thighs; he can feel it through her thin black yoga pants, through his singlet covering his stomach. Unconsciously, his hips buck against hers and she grins wickedly.

"God. It's hot in here." Still sitting on top of him she pulls her loose t-shirt over her head.

Kaidan gulps.

She has a sports bra on underneath, tightly fitting, modest and plain black with twin N7 red stripes down the sides but in that moment it's terribly erotic to him. Her stomach is flat and lightly muscled; her alabaster, freckle-specked skin looks silky smooth and glistening with sweat. He longs to reach out and taste her skin. More than that he wants to…

No. She's tricking him. This is all a clever ploy to overcome his defenses. A ploy that was definitely working, but nonetheless, Kaidan did not want to lose.

Wrenching his attention away from her, he shifts, starting to roll them easily. Shepard catches on to the fact that she hasn't tricked him and alarm at her precarious position on the floor trickles over her face.

She flares bright blue, her eyes lighting up electric cobalt and Kaidan feels a sudden heaviness on him, stopping his plan to pin her. She now feels like she weighs like Wrex, a ton pressing down when before he felt he could have picked her up and lifted her no problem.

"Nice trick, Shepard." He gasps.

"I aim to please, LT." She places her two hands beside his head and leans over him, studying his face. Her chest is tantalizing in front of him and she knows what she's doing.

He's sure Shepard would fight dirty any day to get what she wants.

"I can play that game too, Commander." Kaidan flares too and with a burst of blue and a twitch of his free hand a Singularity springs into life just behind her.

She yelps a little bit in surprise as it lifts her off him and in seconds he's back on his feet. A Singularity wouldn't hold her for long, of course, she waves her hand and negates it with her own gravitational forces, but he's now back on equal footing and she's lost her advantage.

She bounces on her the balls of her feet, shaking her shoulders and shifting into a fighting stance, fists up. She flicks her sweaty, messy hair out of her faces and Kaidan wishes she wouldn't. She looks wild and fierce and bedroom-mussed. He likes her looking like that.

"You crafty, naughty man, Kaidan Alenko. I didn't know you could make them." She gestures to the spot where his Singularity used to be.

In a fit of pique, or perhaps a display of force to him, she flicks a mini black hole off to the side of the mat. It twirls and spins, making the shuttle bay echo with the strange sound of biotics and wrenching of Einstein's ideas, smashing the general theory of relativity.

Kaidan has never found the disregard for the rules of science so hot.

"Got to have some secrets, right, Shepard?" He smiles and she barks a laugh. "No, I'm not that good at them, not like you. But in a pinch they come in handy."

"Mmm hmm."

She's wary of getting close to him now; the lesson learned that he won't go down easy. They circle each other like a hungry lion and lioness fighting over a kill.

Sweat trickles down Kaidan's back soaking his shirt and he decides to follow her lead and throw his soft blue singlet into the corner too. Two can play dirty. Shepard's eyes crinkle in amusement and he watches her wet her lips repeatedly with her tongue.

"Man. I have the best job in the galaxy." Kaidan can just make out her mutter under her breath.

He wants this over now; he wants to be closer to her. Adrenaline is surging through him, like electricity in a circuit; he is bright, lit and ready. The world moves slower, he can just see the shimmer of her eyes, that blue he can never quite name from day to day, that cobalt mockery. Her hair is glowing, the blue cargo lights glinting off dark chocolate strands.

She's sweaty and her face is blotchy with heated color and her is mouth twisted in a playful snarl and he thinks that he would trade all the supermodels and vid stars in the world for just one night with her. Just one night to find out what it's like to be inside her, to touch and kiss her freely and find out if it would ever be as perfect as he imagines, if it would even approach the happiness he feels now with her, just talking and fighting and joking with Shepard.

He knows though, he has to know: that it would be all that and more.

He can feel his stomach muscles contract and his biceps tighten in readiness. He can make out Shepard's nipples from her sweat soaked sports bra and he loses his control a little, heedless of the danger she poses to their little sparring competition.

He's on her too quickly, and throws her to the floor with his weight making sure to reach his hands behind her back as she falls and distribute his weight not to fall on top of her. She tries to use the lower center of gravity in her hips to throw him over her shoulder, but he compensates for that, his mind working battle-fast. Then, he adjusts, quickly pressing his hips into hers, moving his full weight to bear on top of her, chests pressed together. Her breasts heave against him, her breath panting wetly on his neck and shoulder.

She's gasping in surprise at his sudden attack, half laughing ruefully at him getting the jump on her. He was lucky.

"1…2…3." He counts under his breath. She starts to buck against him again, knowing that she is minutes away from losing. It's no use. Even if she adjusted her mass, in this position he would just make himself heavier too, and it would be a lot of effort for no gain.

Her fingers twitch as if she was going to mimic him from earlier and form the physical mnemonic for a Singularity but he grabs her hands and holds them still above her head.

"I got you. Yield." He demands.

"Make me." She challenges. Always challenging, that's Shepard all over. Her eyes are sparkling and she's breathless.

Kaidan has never wanted someone as badly or painfully before. Blood is rushing from his head at a dizzying pace and she has to feel how hard he is against her. Judging by the way she chooses to squirm into him, she does.

He presses his forehead to hers and groans a little. "Shep, you should stop doing that."

"_Why_? I like it." She pouts. Somehow, Kaidan thinks he has won their physical battle but lost the war.

"Because…"

She blinks at him, all wide eyed and mock innocence. "Because _why_?"

"You know why."

"_This_ is why." She breathes and closes the distance to his mouth. He doesn't respond for a moment, torn with indecision, but the feel of her wet hot tongue has him parting his lips to meet it with his own. She's so pliable beneath him, so soft and hot and responsive. Kaidan wants to fuck her on the floor right here, her under him on the sweaty mats. His grip tightens on the hands he holds pinned to the mat above her head and she strains her breasts against him trying to wiggle her encouragement.

Their cinch becomes more heated as she grinds her hips into his cock, struggling to satisfy herself. Kaidan, for a heady moment, imagines he can feel her wetness through her pants but he is sure that's his desire talking. He is having his own private war, between his duty and desire. They shouldn't be doing this, it is dangerous and wrong.

If only she would remove her tongue from his mouth for a moment he could think properly.

There's a clatter, someone in the engine room has dropped a tool and they come back from the edge of pleasure. She stops kissing him and he rolls off her to lie flat on his back on the mat. There's nothing he can do for his erection, he just hopes no one walks in for a while lest he have some awkward explaining to do.

Beside him Shepard stretches out beside him too, flat on her own back.

"Fuck." She murmurs.

"Yeah." He agrees, breathless.

"Let's call it a draw?"

"Sure, Shepard. For now."

"I can live with that. Look you lay here and die for a while. I'm going to have a cold shower, LT."

She saunters off a little awkwardly, roughly shoving her shirt back on and he is at least satisfied that she is just as sexually frustrated as him.

Kaidan lies there at her advice, throbbing with desire and prays that she can get Saren quickly to get that shore leave.

He thinks if they don't get one soon, he might just have a little stroke from rapid blood movement.

Still, he can't wipe the smile from his face. He has never been a blood-thirsty man, but sparring with Shepard is the most fun he has had in years.


	13. and I Lay Down in the Darkness with You

_Takes place a week after the previous drabble named 'Helmet'. Before Alchera._

* * *

"That's twenty-three, Shepard. You're bust. Pay up."

Kaidan hears Wrex's booming voice as he winds around crates in the cargo bay. Shepard has stocked up on weapons the last time they docked in port and the cargo still needs stowed away. She seems to have taken advantage of the clutter and set up some sort of clandestine gambling arena.

He stumbles around a crate as high as his head and hovers at the edge for a moment watching her. To him, she looks very pretty. Her hair is loose and seems to have grown a lot lately; it's edging down her shoulders. She's dressed down in her usual blue utility pants and has somehow found a N7 hoodie that she's zipped up over her shirt. Kaidan thinks she looks strangely swamped in it and young.

She's laughing, joking with Wrex and mock punching him in the shoulder.

There's a rush of fierce affection for her deep somewhere inside him. It's not even related to how he can't seem to keep his hands off her lately, it's the kind where he wants to hug her and make her happy.

That love, that desire to protect her is warm and comfortable but also tinged with a hard edge of...fear. Their situation is so tenuous. He could be ordered to transfer by the brass and not be allowed to be with her anymore. He might not be allowed to stick around to watch her back. Assignments weren't permanent. They risked their lives every day.

But he didn't think he could bear it if she risked her life a last time and lost it.

"Oh come on now Wrex, buddy, old pal. Just let this one slide?" Shepard winks at the krogan, clearly putting her most transparently charming face on.

It's a failure; Kaidan wouldn't even be able to look at her seriously. She makes him laugh with the silly faces she pulls; the way she thinks she's extremely crafty.

He leans on the crate and crosses his arms watching them banter. Her eyes flicker over to him, she knows he's there but is content to let him watch.

"No, give me my creds or we re-enact that vid '_The Spectre and the Merc – It's Payback Time_.'" Wrex threatens her, his red eyes gleaming in amusement.

Liara eyes the two of them with a kind of bright interest. "I have not seen that vid. I am told it is quite violent."

Kaidan is surprised to see her there, the asari is the last person he would expect to see drinking or pretending to have the savvy that gambling at cards requires.

Shepard turns to Liara and chirps helpfully, "The best kind of vid, if you ask me. I think I have a copy on my 'tool somewhere, I can make Kaidan hunt it down and you and I can watch it-"

Wrex gets impatient with her distraction tactics. "Shepard."

"Wrex." She responds with narrowed eyes.

"Pay up."

She throws a pile of cards on the overturned crate they are using as a table. Kaidan watches them flutter colorfully around her face. "Fine, fine. Ya big, old, fat dinosaur. I hope you choke on these creds."

She dutifully doles them out to him, counting them like a miser to not give him a single credit chit extra.

He laughs again, clinking them together in his massive palms. "Such a bloodthirsty attitude for such a tiny creature. You would make a good krogan. Sure you can't run off with me, ditch Alenko and have my krogan babies?"

Shepard throws Kaidan a smirk. "Sure, sounds like fun."

Knowing his game of just watching her is up he pads closer to their little group, Liara looks up at him surprised but Wrex is unmoved.

"Did I just get replaced?" He laughs at her, eyebrows raised.

"Hey there." She smiles warmly and takes a swig out of the bottle of beer that she had set on the floor. Looking closely Kaidan can see numerous bottles scattered around, mostly clustered around Wrex but to his surprise quite a few are piled with Liara.

"You sure did." Shepard continues. "What can I say? You don't have four balls like this side of beef."

She reaches around and pats Wrex on (what Kaidan assumes is) his ass, right above that little stump of a vestigial tail.

Wrex broad grin widens and his great maroon eyes swing mockingly doleful to Kaidan's brown. "You snooze, you lose, Alenko. Isn't that what humans say? We'll name one of the kids after you."

Kaidan barks a laugh. "Thanks Wrex, just what I always wanted."

"No problem. I'm a magnanimous, reasonable krogan."

"Uh huh."

Shepard grins and cuts into their staring contest. "Want a drink? You're off duty right?"

He nods and she cracks open one bare-handed and passes it to him. Kaidan goes to sit at her side, on a smaller overturned crate she is using as a stool. He looks quizzically at her possession of so much alcohol and she shrugs.

"Joker apparently snuck some aboard and I confiscated it. He threw a mini-fit, but he shouldn't try and sneak shit by me. If he'd asked first, I would have helped him sneak it by Pressly." Kaidan frowns but she ignores him.

"Chakwas said he shouldn't be drinking anyway. " Shepard puts a prim expression on her face, imitating Chakwas. "She keeps telling him, '_what if you fall over and break a leg_?' So I am doing my Commander duty with Wrex and Liara and drinking up."

"You're all heart, Shepard." He says and she rolls a shoulder as if to say: 'I know, I'm obviously wonderful.'

"Kaidan, would you like to play with us?" Liara asks him kindly. "Shepard has been teaching us this wonderful game. Obviously, it is a simple game of chance and mathematics but it is quite stimulating and-"

"Liara, honey." Shepard places a hand on the asari's shoulder. "You're over thinking it again. Have some more beer and just relax."

Liara flushes a little, but Kaidan can tell she is pleased with the attention Shepard is paying to her.

"Alright, Shepard. I am just not used...to this. It is fun."

He almost laughs at her eager expression but holds it back in case she thinks that he's making fun of her. Liara is older than both he and Shepard put together but...she's so close to a sheltered college student, who maybe reads a lot in her spare time and doesn't get out much.

"I'm a fun gal." Shepard says and Liara giggles, her pretty purple lips upturned in an adoring grin.

Wrex laughs mockingly, obviously he thinks that Shepard cannot be considered fun unless there are shotguns and bloodshed and betrayal involved.

Shepard slaps him on the arm. "Shut up Wrex, no one asked you."

They play blackjack for a little while, Kaidan doing ok for himself. Shepard keeps losing and she seems to get progressively grumpier at the fact. He starts to get a little worried actually, she's not even faking it anymore, there's a deep crease between her brows. She stops drinking and Kaidan thinks, as she fakes a smile at Wrex, that maybe it's not losing at cards that is bothering her.

The next hand she throws her cards down. "Guys, I'm going to bed. I'll get you back tomorrow, Wrex. Guess who needs to wear the phoenix armor?"

The krogan eyes her incredulously and Kaidan has the suspicion that expression is usually reserved for situations in which life support is cut off by murderous old merc friends.

"You wouldn't." Wrex says.

"Krogan wives never give an inch." She retorts to Wrex, sticking her tongue out. "I will accept being bankrupt by you, just for the sight of you all pretty in pink."

"Yeah well, you're dropping me off on Tuchanka in a few days anyway. I will be glad to escape the tyranny of your rule. A radioactive wasteland will be paradise without your ugly mug ruining my day."

Liara laughs a little too loudly, Kaidan is sure she is pretty wasted.

Shepard smiles another tight smile that doesn't quite reach her eyes and gets up.

But she wavers, wobbling on the spot threateningly. Kaidan stands suddenly, grabbing her arm to catch her weight before she falls. He can feel her knees buckle a little before her head clears and she shrugs off his aid.

"Woah." She pants, her eyes crossing a little.

"You alright?"

She turns a little red. "Yeah, yeah. Fine. Didn't realize I had drank that much."

He looks at her small pile of beer and privately thinks he has seen her drink far more than that. Biotics barely get a buzz from that amount, Wrex and Liara's massive pile of beer can attest to that.

"I'll walk you to your cabin."

"No! No. It's fine, Kaidan." Her eyes settle for a moment on Liara and Wrex, she's embarrassed by his concern in front of them. "Don't worry. Stay here, enjoy your drink."

So he does, and half pays attention to their next round, wishing he could escape to go check on her.

Eventually Liara stumbles off with mumbles that she is going to lie down and Kaidan gives up any pretence with Wrex.

He heads straight to her cabin, thankful most of the crew is sleeping and he can cross the mess undisturbed to her door.

She opens it all rumpled, wearing one of his oversized shirts and no pants.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey."

She frowns at him, not moving out of the doorway to let him in. "I thought we said we should be a little more discreet? Wrex and Liara already know, I'm sure and that's enough. We don't want to-"

Kaidan's brows furrow, unconsciously mirroring her unhappy expression. "I was worried. You look pale."

"I'm not actually feeling so hot." She says quietly. Her next words are almost whispered in shame. "I can't sleep. I miss you when you're not here."

His heart gives a painful little thump and he reaches a hand out to play with a lock of her wavy hair.

"I miss you too."

Shepard bites her lip; almost like she knows what she says shouldn't be uttered out loud but not able to help herself.

"Maybe you can lie down with me for a little while? Just a little?" She asks hopefully. "I mean, we'll try and stop this from now on, save it for shore leave. But one more time? I just...I just don't feel right, right now."

"Yeah." He answers and knows he shouldn't. He's been falling asleep in her bed more and more often lately. Their Rules are starting to breakdown. The general crew can't find out about them.

He doesn't know what to do but Shepard needs him tonight and he doesn't think he can deny her anything.

She moves aside to let him in and locks the door, then pads shakily to her bed. The covers are twisted as if she's been tossing and turning. Kaidan straightens them, takes off his shoes and then curls up beside her turned back, wrapping his arm around her stomach and rests his chin on her shoulder, smelling her hair and slightly musky skin. She sighs, a little comforted sound. She's still a tight little ball of tension though, and he can feel faint tremors occasionally rippling through her.

"Shep, you're shaking."

"I drank too much." She says curtly. "It's upset my stomach. I feel pretty bad. Don't fuss."

"Maybe you should see Chakwas?"

"No." She's firm and little cranky at him so he lets it go.

"Alright."

Kaidan can't stand to just lie here though; her hands are holding his over her stomach, gripping a little bit too tightly for comfort as if she is fighting a war with showing weakness and nausea in her head.

"Hang on for a moment, ok?" He whispers. "I'm gonna go get something."

"What?" She turns to look at him, not pleased with the jostling as he gets out of bed.

"It'll make you feel better, trust me." He quickly crosses to her tiny bathroom. It doesn't even have a shower, it's barely the size of a linen closet but it does have a toilet and a wash basin. He grabs what he needs and hops back in beside her.

Carefully, he turns her face towards him and gently moves the wet, cool washcloth over her cheeks and forehead. Shepard's eyes squeeze shut, some of the tension from around them leaking away. He moves the soft material over her closed eyelids and she sighs. Her face is milky white, her little freckles over the bridge of her nose and cheeks look stark and harsh.

"My mother used to do this for me when I got migraines, it's soothing," he murmurs.

"My mother didn't."

Her voice is bitter and cold. Kaidan wants to kill the monster who made her sound that way.

"I know, baby." He says instead, gentle as he can manage.

"Baby?" She snaps her eyes open.

His face heats up, that was an accident. It's not like them to be so mushy. "Ouch. Sorry, it just slipped out."

She sighs and closes her eyes again, a small smile hovering at the corner of her mouth like a ghost of happier times. "Normally I would have a witty come-back, something to make you blush. But I'm just tired, Kaidan."

He pauses in the path he is making down her sweaty neck with the washcloth. "Shepard...you're worrying me. What's wrong?"

She keeps her eyes closed and turns away from him again. "The Council. This mission. We shouldn't be doing this." He throws the washcloth on the floor and spoons her back again. He's concerned but trying not to show it. She twines her legs with his and continues. "They're stalling us, they've shuffled us off to hunt down these geth and we should be hunting Reapers. They've sent an advanced _warship_ as a cleanup crew."

He voice rises a little, anger lacing through it and he tries to soothe her. "They need time to accept it. The Reapers are a big thing to wrap your head around; we've talked about this before."

"Do you really think that?" She asks, "I want your honest opinion. You know the political scene better than me."

He considers and knows she doesn't want baseless comfort right now.

"...No. Shepard, I think they're terrified. And it's blinding them."

"They're...they're not the only ones." She whispers half to the darkness, half not meant for him to hear.

"You're scared?"

He wasn't sure what he had been thinking. Shepard's so brave all the time, so full of bravado. He knows she's human and gets frightened like everyone else. She really doesn't like husks...or the corruption they represent.

But...this seems different from the usual fear of being killed.

"Not for me." She shakes her head. Kaidan rolls her over and she rests her head on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around her back. "I'm scared of what the Reapers will do when they roll in. Because they will, and we won't be prepared."

"We'll prepare. We'll do our best." He says and knows he means that. He'll do whatever it takes to keep her safe, to keep his parents on Earth safe. They're all he really has in the galaxy, his small family. The Reapers better not mess with them. Better not mess with _her. _

"I'm scared that our best isn't good enough." Shepard shoots down his optimistic statement and he can think of nothing to say. She's stopped shaking, maybe the confession has calmed her a little.

She doesn't shut her eyes again though, and they lay there face to face for long minutes. He tries to memorize how she looks; her limpid eyes, her galaxies of faint freckle clusters, the little lines on her face around her mouth and between her eyebrows, the strands of hair on her forehead.

And he thinks that maybe she is doing the same to him.

Eventually she speaks, "Kaidan...I'm afraid of losing you."

"You won't lose me. I promise." He responds fiercely.

"You can't promise that."

Kaidan sighs. "Well, I _can_ promise I'm going to fight for you. I'm going to do all I can to keep us together."

She nods, satisfied. "I want you to kiss me and hold me and I don't want to think anymore."

"Ok. I can do that." He kisses her then, gently on the lips and forehead like they have been together all their lives. She buries her head against his chest then, a fist tucked up under her chin and eventually she falls asleep with dark smudges of fatigue under her eyes.

Kaidan worries and says: "I love you."

She's lost in dreams.

The darkness doesn't answer him.

He doesn't sleep but he doesn't slip away in the night either.


	14. Break, Break, Break

_Content warning for this one, talk of character death and mourning and some imagery that may be upsetting. Please use caution when reading. _

* * *

_Break, break, break,_

_On thy cold gray stones, O Sea!_

_And I would that my tongue could utter_

_The thoughts that arise in me._

_..._

_Break, break, break_

_ At the foot of thy crags, O Sea!_

_But the tender grace of a day that is dead_

_ Will never come back to me._

**-Tennyson**

* * *

Kaidan sits on a bench in the Presidium, waiting for Anderson. It's warm and artificially sunny; a few human children tear past him laughing at a hanar bobbing along, a little boy with dark hair and a pretty older girl. A female turian scolds them, muttering under her breath that humans don't know how to control their young and should never have been allowed on the Citadel.

He doesn't move on the bench, he doesn't want his dress blues to get wrinkled; it took fifteen minutes to iron them to perfection this morning. He doesn't play with his omni-tool like most people, fussing with text messaging someone or checking the extranet. He drinks a coffee (carefully so as not to spill it) from the salarian run, human themed coffee stand and stares out over the great lake and sees nothing.

Shepard has been dead for a month.

The news won't stop talking about it. It's all over the extranet.

The person he loved more than anything has not breathed for a whole month today. She has not laughed, cried or gotten angry. She has not shot her pistol, used her biotics or smiled in that way that made her eyes crinkle and the small dimples appear in her cheeks. She has not kissed him, or called him LT, or ate cereal. There is no one left alive to call him LT, he hopes Ash will take care of her. Shepard has not barked at Joker, has not chatted to Garrus and has not let Kaidan crawl into her bed.

A month ago he held her and now she is a corpse who will never, ever do those things again.

She is rotting, her cells breaking down. She is turning into dust and maybe if she hit Alchera there are insects there that have found her broken body and have crawled into her eyes and ate her pretty blue irises that Kaidan took a lifetime learning and maybe they are laying eggs in her organs and the coffee is rising up Kaidan's mouth and he wants to vomit and he can't breath-

Death is final. Death is sudden. He hates it. He wants to tear his heart out and never feel a thing again.

Shepard had been afraid for him, she had been afraid to lose him. She should have been afraid for herself.

She should have left Joker behind, he thinks bitterly.

And he hates her for that, too. He hates himself.

Hate is such a loyal companion, one faithful constant. They should make it a law for the universe, like Newtonian physics.

But this one can be called Alenko's Laws.

**First law**: _An object caught in grief experiences hate unless at rest, caught in dreams. There is no equal and opposite force unless her gravity returns. _

Kaidan's lips turn up bitterly at his musings, and he drinks more coffee to wash down the bile that has risen in his mouth. The children's laughter echoes in his ears and he wished they would be quiet. The coffee tastes like shit, but it's the only thing keeping him on his feet most days. Shepard's pull of gravity, the thing that attracted him inexorably to her, won't come back. She will spin away from him forever. It's a universal constant, whatever planet he is on, no matter how much biotics he uses, no matter how strong he becomes. He can't fight this gravity.

He still can't pull himself out of the jaws of grief for even a moment; everything he does and says, everything he touches is infected by it.

There's a great black ocean and he is drowning. The only life buoy he can see stands on the shore alone, a ghost. He can only see the pale moon of her face, and the dark wild stands whipping in a violent wind. She turns and walks away and Kaidan goes under, gulping down salty mouthfuls of black water.

There's razor sharp teeth biting at his skin all the time, it feels like he is hopelessly punctured and all his insides have drained out, leaving nothing behind.

How could it all have ended like this? After Saren and Sovereign and all that fighting? He was meant to be her partner and follow her into hell.

He can't eat solids, things he puts in his mouth taste like cardboard. Every time he tries to swallow solids his throat closes up tightly. He's lost ten pounds already. He's drinking too much. He spends nights at the bar but can never seem to drink enough. It just gives him migraines that leave him chucking up whatever he managed to drink into grimy alleyways on the way back to the barracks.

He doesn't cause a scene, he never yells. He acts completely sober except for the shake in his step, the wobble that sometimes sends him falling into his own vomit. He never gets kicked out of the bar; in fact they welcome him every night. If he caused a scene, then he would get reprimanded by the Alliance and have his bid to get back on duty jeopardized.

Kaidan always did have iron control since he learnt that the lack of it caused snapped necks.

The bar is making a fortune on the solider with the dark hair and the darker eyes.

The brass won't allow him back yet. Anderson is stalling his requests.

Kaidan mostly feels like punching him in the mouth, Shepard's surrogate father or not.

His mother keeps calling, asking when he is going to bring that woman he kept talking about back home.

He had rang her from the _Normandy_ when they were near a comm buoy, breathless and uncharacteristically excited over a month ago to say he'd met someone and that they were busy at the moment but next shore leave he'd love to introduce them. Ami Alenko had been terribly flustered and happy, she had said she was going to get her hair dyed and styled to make a good impression and make his father be extra nice and put his good clothes on and asked what Shepard's favorite kind of cake was. He had laughed and told her he would ask and find out. Kaidan still doesn't know and never will. He had forgotten to ask Shepard.

He usually doesn't get serious enough to bring a girlfriend home to his folks. His mother knows him well enough to pick up on the fact that the woman was something special to him.

She had made up the guest bedroom and aired it out and put the large handmade quilt on the bed so Shepard didn't get cold since it was winter in Canada.

She had seen the attack on his ship on the news and once he had fielded her panicked call, making sure he was ok, she had been politely enquiring about how he felt about losing his CO. He had said he was coping and she hadn't realized at all that Shepard had meant anything more than a professional relationship to him.

Kaidan starts dodging her calls. He had never told her that Shepard was in the Alliance too, he hadn't wanted his dad to get angry about that. Instead, he eventually mumbles that they broke up, that it just didn't work out. His work life was just too hectic.

Ma sounded so disappointed.

Kaidan just wants to get back to work. He wants to find whatever ship was responsible for the _Normandy's _destruction. He wants to kill them.

He's stuck on the Citadel until Anderson is satisfied that he's been going to a grief counsellor, working through some of his rage. But he doesn't have any, he tells Anderson. He feels fine. Just a little sad now. The funeral and the outburst at Joker was an aberration, he argues. The heat of the moment. He didn't mean it. It was just delayed stress from the attack.

Kaidan is actually a good liar when there is nothing inside to stop him. Sometime he wonders if this is how sociopaths feel all the time. Lying used to feel wrong. Shepard had teased him that he was never any good at it.

Kaidan goes to the grief counsellor. He goes to all his appointments, perfectly on time and says the things he is meant to say.

_That it was a shock, the attack was violent._

_No, he feels no ill will towards Jeff Moreau._

_Yes, it upset him for a little while but he is over it now. _

_No, he is sleeping and eating._

_Yes, Shepard was a good commanding officer and he misses her._

_Losing two comrades in the space of a few months and crew members is tough, but he is dealing with it. _

_ Yes, he is appropriately mourning. _

He says that he writes old fashioned letters to her and burns them as a coping mechanism, but Kaidan really does nothing of the sort. He says that he visits the makeshift memorial on the Presidium but really Kaidan adds half an hour to his commute just to stay three blocks away from it at all times.

The counsellor is ignorant of their true relationship and he likes it that way.

He goes back to the barracks at night, climbs into his neat Alliance bunk and does not think at all. He closes his eyes and he sees nothing. He does not picture her face, or her smile or even her voice when she yells. He is calm, his hands folded across his stomach and the blankets carefully arranged over him. He is the very model of an Alliance soldier. There is no ghost beside him in the bed, sleeping with her fist under her chin against his front and the gentle swell of her chest pressed against him. He does not reach out in the night expecting a warm, soft body there.

Sometimes he lays there all night, not sleeping at all, but in a fugue. He prefers the not sleeping part.

In his dreams, it is different. They are confused and so real. He dreams in color and sound, better and more alive than any holographic vid. He sees her face again and he is in love.

In the dream they are on the _Normandy _still. It is not on fire. They are in her comfortable bed and naked and wrapped around each other. They are joined. The sheets are sweat-soaked and smell of sex and Shepard. They move together, a perfect give and take. His body wants hers in his dreams, used to being with her every night. He wakes up unsatisfied every morning and can't bring himself to fix it himself; it feels wrong to think of her like that as she drifts in space, a corpse. He doesn't have warm showers anymore; he doesn't give himself the comfort.

He was too used to the smell of her skin, the feel of her under his hands. She had small scars, one just above her right breast, one on her bicep, another on her inner thigh. They were shrapnel wounds and marks from her childhood.

In his dream, he kisses them all and he loves each and every one. His kisses his way over her flat belly, over her hips and up her spine to her neck. Sometimes she cries when he does that and he doesn't know why he dreams like that. Dreams are meant to be perfect. They are meant to be his escape but even they are tainted.

He sits on the Presidium bench and waits and waits for Anderson and feels nothing at all.

The older man walks towards him; he seems shorter than normal, less imposing and broad.

Shepard had loved him, had always spoke about him with such reverence and childish pride. Almost hero worship but Kaidan sees no hero now, just a broken old man.

"Lieutenant." Anderson nods, and Kaidan stands to salute him crisply.

"Captain Anderson."

"It's going to be Councillor soon, actually." He motions Kaidan to sit back on the bench, so he does. Anderson settles down beside him. Kaidan doesn't look him in the eye, his gaze fixed on the lake.

"I see, sir."

Anderson looks at his profile; Kaidan ignores the movement out of the corner of his eye. "You wanted to speak about the compassionate leave I've put you on?"

"Yes, sir." He answers. "I wanted to discuss returning to active duty. The leave is unnecessary and a waste of resources. I feel that my skills will be better put to use out in the field. I want on the task force investigating the _Normandy'_s attack and subsequent destruction."

"Denied." Anderson says flatly. "You look terrible, son. You look thin."

Kaidan looks at him calmly. "Sir, respectfully, I'm healthy. I passed the medical. That's not your call."

"The medical said you showed signs of PTSD. That your blood pressure is elevated, that you exhibited signs of exhaustion."

"And I still passed; everything was within range of acceptable Alliance health standards." He insists firmly and reasonably, Anderson shifts uncomfortably on the bench. "I feel fit and fine."

"Alenko-"

"Anderson."

"Shepard was special." Anderson starts and Kaidan already know what he is going to say. Everyone loves saying it. "I know how you feel but-"

"Again, respectfully sir, I doubt that. Shepard was_ just_ my CO, you knew her since she was a kid. It's different." Kaidan shrugs nonchalantly. "I'm fine. I'm no different from any other crew member and Adams has already been reassigned, as has most of my marine detail on my recommendation."

Anderson sighs, disappointed with his attitude. "If that's the way you want to play it, alright. I'll get you back on rotation. But permission to join the _Normandy_ task force is denied."

"Sir. Yes, sir." Kaidan says with icy steel in his voice.

There's silence for a moment, both men watch the lake and the human children that are now throwing bits of trash they've collected from the Presidium walkways into the clear water.

Kaidan watches the little girl with rare cornsilk-colored hair shriek with glee and throw a Blasto candy wrapper. It flutters colorfully into it, and the child's mother rushes over yelling at the kids for being unhygienic. He thinks of bright cards falling around Shepard's face as she throws them into the air and looks away.

Kaidan stares into the darkness and the darkness stares back. He made the wrong kind of promise.

"Son...Is there anything you want to tell me?" Anderson finally says gently. "I know I'm a superior officer but whatever is said between us can remain that way if it will help."

"No, sir." Kaidan looks him in the eyes steadily. "What could I possibly have to say? It's all in my report."

Anderson falls silent again, and looks away to begin speaking. "I miss her. She was..._happy _the last time I spoke to her over comm. Tired but happy, and that gives me some comfort. She didn't have an easy life for a long time but she died doing what she loved, with a crew she cared about. Making sure they were safe. Soldiers don't often get to go out that way."

There's a cold hard pit of rage in Kaidan's stomach and he feels it flare to life like a mutant eezo nodule. He feels bitter words writhe and twist out of it, unborn, malformed and burning.

He hates Anderson too, for a moment. He thinks about turning and punching him in the mouth until he knocks his teeth out.

"With respect, I don't think she wanted to _go out_ at all." He says, his voice low and sharp, his teeth gritted. "I don't think when the vacuum sucked out her air and...froze her lungs that she was thinking 'geez, what a nice way to go.' I think she died panicked, terrified, in pain and alone, sir. I only hope that when she hit the atmosphere that she was already dead."

Kaidan glances at Anderson and feels a tiny twinge of guilt. The older man's face is sunken and grey and he suddenly thinks Anderson is old and washed up. Kaidan's bitter words have actually brought a watery sheen to his eyes and he wants to snatch back the cruelness that has burst out. Shepard would hate him for these words. It's too late so instead he says nothing more.

"We're all alone in the end, Alenko." The old N7 soldier says and Kaidan hears the rebuke in it.

"We shouldn't be."

"You couldn't have been there." Anderson replies. "If you were, she would have hated you for it."

Kaidan says nothing. He feels nothing, what is there to say? He would have gladly lived with Shepard's hate if she was alive to feel it.

He should have been the one to go get Joker. Together even, they might have been quick enough. He could have biotically Pulled her into the escape pod, at least.

Joker should have been left behind.

Kaidan feels a twist of loathing in his stomach and knows it is for no one but himself. It burns the worst of all.

Anderson is apparently done with him and little angry. He says, "Dismissed."

Kaidan leaves and packs his belongings in the barracks. It's not much; everything was destroyed on the _Normandy. _


	15. The Night Before Ilos

_Content warning for sexual situations._

* * *

_"All men have the stars," he answered, "but they are not the same things for different people. For some, who are travellers, the stars are guides. For others they are no more than little lights in the sky. For others, who are scholars, they are problems. For my businessman they were wealth. But all the stars are silent. You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them-"_

_- The Little Prince_

_Antoine de Saint Exupéry_

* * *

All night, she and Kaidan have been making eyes at each other. His gaze is heated, and endlessly dark. His brown eyes look black, smoldering with repressed desire in the _Normandy's _dim lighting. Shepard is sure her pupils are dilated too, and when he passes her the salt at dinner time a shock arcs between them.

No one else at the table seems to be aware, Tali goes on chatting with Liara and Chakwas is lecturing Joker again on his fatty food habit. Shepard bumps Kaidan's leg as he sits next to her, and he almost jumps out of his seat. She does it again, on purpose this time and he doesn't jump again, instead he presses back and she has to bite her lip to keep from smiling. They don't need the extra attention from the crew, but the warm weight of his thigh against hers is a talisman against fear.

Ilos looms, hours close. _Normandy_ speeds towards it, star-driven.

Doom-driven.

Joker says they have eight hours until they arrive at the planet where Saren's plans have all come together. Shepard is wired, excited and terrified. They might all die tomorrow in a last ditch stand at saving the galaxy but she's going to fight until there's nothing left to give.

But tonight she wants to have a moment to take something she's been aching for. If she has to give all, well there's no use in holding back what she's been feeling for months now.

She doesn't speak at dinner, just shovels down her food. Kaidan doesn't speak either. He opens his mouth a few times, his Adam's apple bobbing but can't seem to be able to find the words. Usually, they would chat all dinner, half-forgetting to eat their food, distracted with each other and the way they can talk about nothing for hours. He usually tells funny stories in that quiet, dry and understated way of his that has her clutching her sides in helpless laughter. Wrex or Garrus often have to tell them to shut up and let everyone else eat in peace.

Not tonight.

She gets up and as she leans over to collect her empty tray, she thinks that she catches a snatch of the scent of his aftershave.

Shepard has to restrain herself from grabbing him by the front of his shirt and banging him on the table to crawl on top of him and have her wicked way.

He's driving her insane.

Instead she carefully over reaches for her tray, purposefully getting too close to him, pressing her chest against his arm and then walks away to put the tray in the small kitchenette.

She glances back sneakily and notices he's staring back at her wide-eyed. She smiles crookedly at him and a slow grin breaks across his face, making him seem boyish and…endearing to her. Her heart is a jackhammer when he smiles like that. The rush of blood in her ears seems to say his name, and she's warm and flushed and hopeful that he'll take the foolish leap she wants him to.

She heads down to the cargo bay, leaving him sitting there. She can't sleep yet; she needs to burn off some nervous energy, so the punching bag down there is in her mind. Shepard carefully does not think of other ways she could be burning off energy. She wishes the mess was clear so she could invite him into her cabin on some pretense.

She straps her hands and lets go of some of her fear and frustration on the bag, the sweat starting to stick to her loose shirt, and slick her hair down from the messy ponytail she has tied it in.

There's heavy boots on the floor and she knows who it is. There's no one else in the cargo bay, she knows his tread anywhere and even blindfolded.

"Hey," he says.

"Hey there," she replies, spinning round. She can't help the almost shy smile that breaks across her face. There's a starburst of warmth in her belly, low down, a pleasant combustion of desire.

Kaidan rubs the back of his neck. "I uh, I wanted to speak to you, Shepard. Privately."

"Um, of course." She stammers, excited. Will this be it? "Well, I'm right here, LT. And there isn't anyone to hear." She motions to the empty cargo bay.

He steps over to her, and swings the punching bag a little idly, avoiding her eyes. "It'll really hit the fan when we get to Ilos, huh?"

Shepard laughs a little, grabbing the other side of the bag to start an impromptu game of swinging it back and forth between them. "I'd say that's a little bit of an understatement. I think shit's gonna blow up."

He chuckles quietly.

"Yeah. It will blow up, this is _you_ after all." Shepard rolls her eyes, amused and he smiles that shy smile and continues more seriously. "Do you…do you think this will all work out?"

"I hope so, but it might not." She says simply. "What else can we do, though? We're soldiers LT; we gotta try to protect people."

Kaidan nods like he knows exactly what she is talking about and accepts it, he gives the bag another swing and she pushes back. On purpose, she swings a little too hard and stumbles a little close to him.

He looks at her through thick, dark lashes, heartbreakingly earnest. "Shep, I want you to know….um, it's been an honor serving under you and also one of the best times of my life."

Shepard smiles her honest, true smile. The one that shows her ugly teeth and she does not feel self-conscious about it for a second in front of him.

"Really?" She says, teasing. "Even with the geth and the bullets?"

"Well, not so much that part." He laughs again and takes another step closer to her. She doesn't back away and this close she has to tilt her head up slightly to look him in the eyes. She can see amber flecks there and they remind her of fire and how much she wants to be burnt by him.

His voice is low and raspy as he says, "It's been hard, this mission, but you're…you're special."

They both stand there for a moment, she's half-leaning on the still gently swaying punching bag and she watches with a clenched stomach and a pounding heart as he reaches a hand out to play with the end of her un-tucked shirt. His short, blunt fingernails scrape the soft skin at her belly and she shivers and feels dampness in her underwear.

"I don't think you've served under me nearly enough," she breathes, low and husky. "I seem to remember last time we sparred I was the one doing the serving."

His hands move to her hips, moving them towards him, tugging her closer.

"Maybe…I like it that way," he cants his head, turns it as if he's going to lean down and kiss her.

Shepard makes a funny little hum in anticipation, in contentment, in thrilling need.

But he doesn't close the distance between their mouths.

"Why won't you kiss me, Kaidan?"

"I don't know." His eyes are on her mouth, then on her eyes and then her mouth again. She knows he wants her, his fingers play at the waistband of her pants at her hips, dipping under it every so often to run his fingers along the edge of her panties.

She reaches out and puts her hand over his heart, it thrums beneath her palm. "You don't need to leave a way out with me, I promise."

"I look at you and-" he starts, his eyes brightening a bit in frustration.

She steps closer again, almost bumping his chest. She's breathing quicker, and can't seem to fill her lungs properly anymore. "And what?"

"I forget caution." He says in a tone that implies _that_ is a cardinal sin. "I think about losing you and I can't stand it."

Shepard looks in his eyes and knows she fell a long time ago. There's no going back from here. "You won't lose me, you don't need caution."

"We shouldn't fraternize." He says this as he closes the distance, finally, between their lips.

Just before he makes contact, she mumbles. "We already have."

His lips are soft, except for the small scars on the edges of his lips. He tastes of the green jello they had for dessert. It starts out simple, just a small gentle pressure and she doesn't know who deepens it but his hand is clutching at her back and hers are on his narrow hips and his tongue is stroking hers and their thighs are pressed together and she can't get enough-

He backs her into the wall, and his hands sneak up her shirt, over her ribs to palm her breast gently. "Shepard…you make me feel human."

She gasps into his mouth and he swallows that for the moment, so she moves his hips against his, feeling him already hard and he releases her mouth for a moment so she can say, "You just make me _feel_."

He does. She's never felt like this before. Never…loved like this.

They half pull each other into the elevator, torturously having to stand apart for seconds in case it opens to another crew member. She thanks all the gods she has never believed in when it opens on the crew deck and the mess is blessedly empty.

If she had to wait for him, she is sure she would have exploded or perhaps gone crazy.

She drags him across the cabin threshold, grinning and he's laughing and they are both excited and happy even though tomorrow might be the end of everything.

She's so happy her heart may burst and she pulls his shirt over his head to run her hands over his muscles, through the dark hair on his chest as he firmly grasps her ass.

Then her shirt is gone too, in moments that happen in slices and fits of sensation and want. His hands are back on her chest, stroking the nipples through the bra's fabric into hardened peaks.

Shepard needs his pants off, like she has never needed a man before.

"Mm…no, wait a second." He protests against her deep kiss, clutching at her hands on his belt.

She groans. "Kaidan, I've be waiting _so_ long."

He laughs again, that low bark that always seems to be just for her and shakes his head. "No, I mean, uh." He stammers, a little uncertain. "We should um, grab…y'know, some _protection_."

"Oh _that_." She flicks a hand airily, relieved. For a moment there she thought he didn't want her. It's typical of him to think responsibly when she's trying to get in his pants. "We don't have to, I take birth control."

She takes that nice little pill religiously every morning, now. In the past she had been lax and forgetful. Her sex life is nothing to boast about and sporadic, mostly quick hookups when she is drunk and lonely on shore leave and even they were infrequent. She'd always made the men she used and cared nothing for wear a condom.

But as soon as she and Kaidan had first felt that energy spark between them, she knew that one day she'd have him where she wanted him and she didn't want to have to worry about protection or having her period when she finally got her promised shore leave.

Chakwas had given her that neat packet of pills a month ago and carefully said nothing.

He nods; looking relieved to get that out of the way and seems to even be turned on by the fact. His hands are pulling her pants down and he helps her step out of them, bending down to gently and carefully remove her boots and socks. His kisses her knees while he is down there and Shepard thinks she'll never let him go.

When he stands back up, she goes again for his utility pants but with a playful expression on his face he picks her up and she squeals, wrapping her thighs around him for purchase.

"What are you doing?" She laughs to his mouth.

He responds by kissing her and murmuring with a devilish expression, "Showing you a good time."

Her ass hits her cold metal table, pushed against the wall and he sets her down. She looks at him quizzically but he just gets on his knees before her and wraps his fingers around the edge of her black underwear. He looks her in the eyes the entire time he pulls them down her legs, with her help wriggling her hips, and Shepard swallows hard at his expression, the laughter slipping off her face.

He leaves the panties trailing off one foot and when she raises an eyebrow and goes to kick the material off he shakes his head and says, "Leave it."

His eyes are black again, and his voice so low and raspy, so she does leave the scrap of material dangling. And feels like if he will just touch her for a moment that she'll die. She's never been so turned on.

He leans back up to kiss her lips again, and this time his hands skim her thighs, gently separating and widening them on the cool metal. Her stomach swoops like she's just fell off a cliff in the Mako. He leaves her lips, down to her neck, sucking the pulse point there gently, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to make her toes curl. Then, over her breasts still encased in the sports bra and trails kisses down her stomach.

It tightens in excitement, in need, the muscles contracting. He teases her on the way down, licking the little hollow of her belly button, kissing her, teasingly circles it and slowing heading further down.

Shepard's breath is not coming steady anymore, her skin is goose-bumped in anticipation and he notices this with crinkled-happy eyes, dragging out her need further.

Finally, what seems like lifetimes of taunting to Shepard, he crosses her dark patch of short curls and kisses her tiny bundle of nerves. She nearly arches off the desk but his hands clutch her thighs steadily, leaving tiny white finger marks behind. She distantly wishes, in some part of her mind that is not sobbing for release, that he would hold on tighter, tight enough to mark her as his, to leave blue bruises tomorrow.

Shepard is losing her mind.

His tongue swirls lazy patterns over her, again and again and she nearly cries out, her head thrown against the wall. It's been so long and he is so good, just the right amount of pressure, backing off when it gets too much, pushing right to the edge and then saving her from falling. His talented tongue traces through her slick folds, and unable to help herself she moans, clutching at his hair and making tufts stand up at the back.

He watches her the whole time, with the most self-satisfied and confident expression she has ever seen on his face.

"Oh, LT." She moans and as his tongue pushes into her, her breath hitches and she can't help but chant his name, praying there is no one in the mess and she is not loud enough to hear. "Kaidan, Kaidan, _Kaidan_…please oh please. _Stop_."

Shepard doesn't really want him to stop but he seems to know she's so close and finally, slowly kisses his way back up to her face, smiling the whole time.

"You ok?" He asks, and she nods, not trusting herself to speak. He peels away her sweaty sports bra, and she's surprised at how hot she feels, how the sweat is pouring down her neck to pool in between her cleavage.

She almost can't take it when he tongues a hardened nipple, but thankfully for her composure he knows that she's raw and goes gently and slowly. Shepard decides that it's time she showed him a good time and suddenly stands, forcing him back with surprise. She kicks off her half-removed panties.

"Kaidan, you've been a very bad LT." Shepard purrs.

He raises one thick eyebrow, amused. "Is that right?"

"That's right Mr. Sentinel." She makes her best seductive face and contrasts it with her 'commander' voice. "You are to get on that bed and give me twenty, on the double!"

"Careful, Shepard." He croons, teasingly backing away from her. "I might think you're abusing your authority. A serious breach of protocol."

"Oh, I _am_ abusing my authority. When I am through with you, you won't know your own _name_."

She pushes him onto the bed and pulls his pants off and grins at how hard he is for her. Then, she climbs on top of him on the bed and covers his desire for her with her mouth.

Kaidan groans and she is pleased that now he is the one that now sounds like he is either in pleasurable pain or experiencing the best torture of his life.

She licks up and down him, paying special attention to his head and his fists clench in the sheets, ruining the time she had spent this morning making them crisp and neat.

"Oh god, Shep. Oh god." He pants as she takes him as fully into her mouth as she can without gagging and applies gentle suction.

She has to stop after a few minutes, his groans are getting louder and she wants to make him last for her. So she crawls up his body, the blue tinged, down-lights glinting off her pale skin and turning her a ethereal creature. And she _feels_ it, she feels special and loved while he looks down at her, a hungry expression on his face, his own body bathed blue. Shepard flares once then, biotics caressing her naked skin. She knows it makes her look dangerous, and knows it outlines her curves erotically. Kaidan smiles and does the same, challenging her. His eyes that were so dark moments ago turn electric blue as she kisses him on the lips.

He apparently has a dominant streak that she's only noticed a few times, when they spar or the way he can't let an argument go when she riles him up. He shifts and grabs her back to roll her beneath him, but she doesn't mind. She prefers it; she's so used to being in charge that it's fun to have someone else take control for a moment.

"This is what will never happen again. Us." He whispers against, her mouth, her neck, her breast.

"Everything will come around again, even the Reapers. But right now? You and I are all that matters."

She feels his hot hardness against her thigh as his knees nudge her legs apart. He kisses her again and again and when he slides inside her inch by inch, so slowly but surely, she can't kiss him back for a moment.

It's as perfect as she fantasized about, the stretching, the fullness of him, the twinge of good pain, when she would crawl into bed in her cabin lonely and wish he would be allowed to join her. As he thrusts first, one initial foray deep inside, she throws her head back on the pillow and sighs.

This was Kaidan and this was her and this was how it was supposed to be. He kisses her neck and thrusts again and Shepard is lost to their rhythm, something she knows instinctively, something that has her hips rising to meet his at the right times, rubbing herself against him.

She's catching fire and burning down. Shepard's mind races, a mantra that doesn't make sense anymore runs through it and she thinks it's just made of his name. Her abdomen aches in the best way. He fits with her perfectly like part of a jigsaw puzzle she never knew she was missing.

He gasps raggedly into her ear, his measured movements becoming more frantic and that's ok because she is too. She hears a woman moaning and realizes it is her, but when she moves her hand to smother herself he pulls it away with a gruff, "No, I want to hear you."

His hands are back on his breast, sweat is dripping over his forehead and down his nose to cover her in his smell that is musk and gentleness and heat and everything is building inside her and she can't stand it. He grabs one thigh and raises it over his shoulder to drive harder and that _does it-_

The angle is all _right_ and he is so deep and hitting that spot and there's stars in her eyes and they speed towards doom and corruption and they're all going to die tomorrow but she doesn't care she has already died tonight and Saren can't take that away.

The woman who sounds like her is chanting his name over and over but her eyes are squeezed shut, he's saying something that sounds like, "Come on, Shep. Open your eyes for me." So she does and she sees brown and amber and love and home and feels his warm seed inside and he kisses her and she thinks nothing for a long time.

Eventually they part, eyes heavy lidded and exhausted. He curls around her, tucking the sheets up over her hips and hugging her sweat-slick back.

"Kaidan, you make me feel like I can take on the universe." She sleepily mumbles and falls into pleasant dreams not filled with nightmares for once before hearing his reply. His warmth at her back is enough for her.

The stars outside aren't cold. And her heart sings with them.

* * *

_"...You-you alone-will have the stars as no one else has them-"_

_"What are you trying to say?"_

_"In one of the stars I shall be living. In one of them I shall be laughing. And so it will be as if all the stars were laughing, when you look at the sky at night . . . You-only you-will have stars that can laugh!"_


	16. Lever

_This was posted as a single story, but it was my first thing I ever wrote and so was very rough, riddled with mistakes. I liked the idea of it so today I cleaned it up a bit, to hopefully read better. Since this is canon with Changeling, I thought it was better suited in this collection of stories rather than a standalone, so it's been moved here. I might not have caught all my mistakes but I think it flows better now._

_This one is much longer than usual._

* * *

**_"Give me a place to stand on, and I can move the earth."_**

**_"_****_Π_****_Α ΒΩ ΚΑΙ ΧΑΡΙΣΤΙΩΝΙ ΤΑΝ ΓΑΝ ΚΙΝΗΣΩ ΠΑΣΑΝ._****_"_**

_The Works of Archimedes with the Method of Archimedes_

* * *

"Well boys, I have a feeling today's going to be a good day for mineral surveying!"

Shepard trudges over a dirt pile and turns back to them, grinning. Her dark hair is stuck to her sweaty cheeks in her helmet and she is coated in dust, but Kaidan thinks she is cheerful anyway.

And he _really _doesn't think she's beautiful either. Not at all.

She's sweaty, small, grimy and rough.

Kaidan likes pretty and tall and refined women. He likes blondes, he thinks a little desperately as Shepard spins on the spot, fiddling with her pistol holster.

That's what he tells himself anyway.

Shepard's buoyant mood is a change; they have had a tough month. The _Normandy's_ guns were malfunctioning, and then Liara lost her mother on Noveria. The Matriarch had been lost hopelessly in the oily grasp of Indoctrination. Shepard had been unnerved for days over the idea of it, and Kaidan doesn't pretend that it didn't bother him too.

She's been tense and quieter than usual, he's glad to see her smile now. He thinks with a small secret rush of pride that maybe she just likes taking a walk with him...and Garrus, he mentally adds.

"Oh yes, Hackett promised me some fancy new upgrades for the Normandy and maybe a day shore leave if we can help the Alliance meet this month's survey quota," she continues her voice chirpy. "I dunno about you and Alenko over there, but chasing geth around has worked up a thirst for a nice margarita. You like margaritas, Gar?" she asks with a raised eyebrow and a cocked hip.

If Garrus had eyebrows to raise, Kaidan is sure he would have been giving Shepard an impressively unexcited expression. As it is, his mandibles make a motion that seems to say, '_You humans are all crazy. But especially Shepard_.'

Shepard tramps down her little dust pile, over to him and Garrus. "They've got this great little bar on Arcturus that sells 'em. I tell you what, buddy, you get me these minerals, and I'll buy you a dextro margarita! A pink one."

A bark of slightly distorted turian laughter reaches Kaidan's ears and he can't help but chuckle slightly, too.

The promised sight of Garrus holding a dainty cocktail in his large, sharp, three-fingered grip is so incongruous that he thinks only Shepard would be able to make the turian do it.

"I heard that, Alenko!" She smiles at him, pleased that she made him laugh. "I'll drink one with you too," she says. "Your choice of blue or pink. I think you're a blue man, tell me I'm wrong, LT."

Kaidan kicks some dirt at his feet and adjusts the grip on his rifle. Ever since she started calling him that it makes his stomach do a funny little jolt, every time. Drinking with Shepard is a tempting prospect. "Uh, thank you ma'am, I do like blue. Not sure about margaritas though, I'm more of a scotch man."

"Ha." She barks a loud laugh and raises an eyebrow under her helmet. "That so? I'll remember that next time I want to get you all drunk and pliable on the next shore leave. Y'know, so Williams and Joker can get blackmail material to get you to give up that stash of chocolate you're hiding."

The thought of being drunk and pliable under Shepard makes his mouth filter malfunction for a moment and he blurts, "Uh. So nothing too untoward then, Commander?"

He swears at himself and wants to snatch back the flirty words but Shepard throws a saucy wink over her shoulder as she walks off, clearly pleased by his response.

Kaidan does not do a happy dance internally. He does not look at her ass as she walks away. He does not want to make her wink at him like that again.

So the rational part of his brain screams anyway. The 'hung-up-on-his CO' side crows in triumph.

Combined with her figure-hugging light N7 jumpsuit, the curve of her back cresting the hill in front of him and the flushed pinkness to her cheeks, he feels like he was constantly tripping over himself in front of her.

It doesn't help that she had caught Joker and him talking about Kaidan's crush only a few weeks ago.

Together, the three of them walk for another few clicks, the baking sun beating on their suits. This planet is arid and barren but quite mineral rich and even with the biting heat, he considers this to be a pretty good day.

Shepard falls into step between Garrus and him, and complains, "Hackett - that old geezer - is on my back about my reports and mineral quotas. God, I hope we find a good deposit."

"Shepard, do all humans have such disrespect for superior officers in the military and get away with it? Or is it just you?" Garrus asks, and she rolls a shoulder.

"Hell, Garrus. I'm being mild." She pulls a dirty face, like she just sucked on a lemon.

"You should hear what Anderson says about him. Everything's done 'by the book' and triple checked and seriously, it's not my fault my spelling sucks and I had to write that report three times." Shepard gripes and Kaidan feels a tiny stab of pity for her. He had watched her struggling over that report in the mess for hours the other day but hadn't felt confident enough to offer his help. He wishes he had.

He flatters himself a little that he has gotten to know Shepard. Well...he hopes he has. Kaidan silently considers Garrus' question and disagrees. Her superior officers are people she holds in great regard.

Shepard barely pauses for breath when she speaks about Anderson, and he knows that he is, at least, one officer she respects and seeks to emulate.

She had confessed to him one late night in the mess that she thought of Anderson as a father of sorts. He'd been the one to mentor her through the Ns and not only that, had been a major factor on why she'd decided to enlist.

She had said her childhood had been a little '_rough._' And Kaidan was familiar enough with bad backgrounds that he could read between the lines.

Anderson had saved her in some way, from whatever she had gone through as a kid. She obviously saw him as some kind of father figure and Kaidan knows he shouldn't find that so endearing.

Kaidan shouldn't do a lot of things when it comes to Shepard. But he does.

They crest hill after hill of dirt, gentle puffs of red dust trailing along after their feet.

He wishes they could have brought the Mako, but the scans had said there was a deposit close by. Shepard had ordered them out on foot to narrow it down with omni-tools.

Finally, after another ten minutes they reach the area the Mako's scanner had pin-pointed.

Surprisingly, it's not a mineral deposit but some silvery metal construct. Kaidan thinks it might be a crashed satellite, its orbit decayed and pulled to the planet's surface.

There's a stylised sun insignia stamped on one side, its yellow paint chipped and gleaming in the blinding sun.

The three stand for a beat observing, then Shepard snaps into action.

"Alright Vakarian, you're on watch. Get over by those rocks and camp out." She motions to a small outcropping and Garrus jogs to it. "_Anything_ suspicious, I want to know about it two seconds before it happens," she barks.

Shepard turns to him at her side, "LT, you and I will check out whatever that thing is."

Kaidan nods and tightens his grip on his pistol. "Aye, aye, Commander."

The two of them make their way down the side of the depression the metal object had made as it fell to earth. The sun's rays lens off the reflective sides and make it seem to shine with a celestial pulse.

He squints his eyes against the glare, and to his side he sees Sheppard cover her eyes with part of her hand.

He can't help noticing, so close to her, that the sun turns her eyes a strange silvery blue, bleached out. His heart gives a little thump, but he refocuses on the object and the pumping organ falls into line with a stern internal berating.

Kaidan thinks for a sentimental minute that this crashed probe is this planet's own private, silver artificial heart, nestled safely in dirt-ribs.

He stoops as they draw close to it, manifesting his omni-tool's sensor arrays and frowns at the results. Kaidan glances up at Shepard and reports, "Looks like a merc spy satellite and probe Commander, according to these readings."

"Ooh." She perks up, her eyes brightening at potential intel. "Anything interesting buried in the data, LT?"

Shepard hunkers down next to him, curious.

Kaidan shakes his head. "Not so far, ton of junk though. Miscellaneous reports, cell positions."

He points out to her some data streaming on his 'tool and she cants her head at him. "Looks like a Blue Suns or Eclipse op. My money would be on Eclipse if I had to guess, it's a little too sophisticated for Suns."

Shepard makes a small humming noise in her throat, considering. "Anything the Alliance-"

Whatever she was about to say is cut off as a rocket propelled incendiary explodes three feet away from them.

Dust and rocks rains down on them and the force throws Shepard sideways into him, sprawling her on top of him and knocking his pistol out of his free hand.

She recovers quickly, roughly hauling him to his feet and pulls them both into the meagre cover the side of the satellite provides.

His mind is racing, quickly trying to ascertain exactly where from and why they are under attack. Their safety from the raining debris is his first priority and he raises a hand to summon a Barrier to encompass them both.

"Garrus! What the fuck was that?" Shepard yells into her comm, moving closer to his side to stay in his Barrier field's range.

"Shepard!"

Static flickers on the line and Kaidan can hear Garrus struggle to be audible. "They came out of nowhere. There are at least twenty of them and they're packing heavy weapons and assault rifles." Shepard eyes widen in alarm, even the turian sounds harried as he continues, "Must have some sort of camouflaged base or damn quick vehicles."

"Shit." She tosses her head, annoyed and frantically tries to make out the mercs through the frenzied dust storm.

"Ok. Ok," She mutters and he can see her gathering her composure. "Garrus, you get a chance to fall back to the Mako, you take it, don't fuck around here." She orders into her earpiece, and a particularly loud explosive has Kaidan scooting even closer to her.

They're sitting ducks.

"You should be able to get long range comms working to the _Normandy_ with the Mako's amplifier. You bring 'em in with back-up. Alenko and I, we'll work it out."

"Yes, Shepard." Garrus responds, and Kaidan feels a little spark of fear. What are he and Shepard going to do?

"Good, now get your bony ass moving, Vakarian." Shepard says with what Kaidan can tell is false bravado. "Williams wanted another chance with that sweet weapon mod I got her for her boomstick. Tell her it's her lucky day."

The line goes dead, Garrus already moving off.

She turns to him, "Alright LT, on three I want a shockwave together in that direction."

Shepard points in the direction of the heaviest fire, as she does so a bullet smacks straight in front of her face and she reels backwards, surprised. Without Kaidan's Barrier it would have went straight into her forehead.

He can feel his implant buzzing under the strain and he makes a small grunt of effort, she looks at him sharply and swiftly thrusts her hands out to add her own strength to their protective dome.

If they hadn't been biotics, they would have both been dead already. Even so, they can't hold here indefinitely. Kaidan is already getting tired and he can see sweat is pouring down Shepard's face.

"You ready?" She asks and he nods.

"One, two, three, _now_!"

As one, they throw a biotic blast that lifts all the mercs, in a radius they can't actually see, flying and the fire eases for a moment.

Kaidan curses leaving his assault rifle in the _Normandy_'s weapon locker, Shepard and his pistol is not much use at any range. She doesn't seem to care though, but unlike him she prefers to let her biotics do the heavy lifting most of the time.

Out the corner of his eye he sees one of the mercenaries raise his rocket launcher again, a perfect line of sight to the duo, pinned as they are in their little bullet-blasted soil depression.

The bastard had flanked them as they were distracted taking shots.

Without really thinking about it he throws himself over Shepard and re-doubles the force of his Barrier in preparation, his amp burning in protest. If he lived, he'd have a hell of a headache tomorrow.

When the rocket hits it feels like his world is nothing but pain, force, fire and a cacophony of white noise from his suit comms. The only thing he knows for sure still exists in this maelstrom of flying debris and deafening auditory feedback is the feel of Shepard's body beneath him.

* * *

Kaidan thinks perhaps the blast has damaged his inner ear for a second; his centre of gravity has shifted so suddenly. With a jolt he realises it isn't _just_ him, they were sliding, falling, and the speed at which they were doing so was increasing alarmingly.

The whole ground was giving way like a frozen spider web smashed with a hammer, shattering to pieces. The ground they had trekked over only ten minutes previously wasn't as solid as it seemed but a thin crust over a cavernous hole.

Shepard slides out from beneath him, the ground trickling away like sand. Vainly, he reaches for her but he can't grasp her arm.

Even if he could, there's no firm ground for him to stand on. They're almost free-falling.

_"You stupid boy! It's not that hard. An asari child could do it un-amped! Now try it again, next time if you don't get it, the mats will be removed. I find pain a powerful motivator."_

_Vyrnnus bellows in Kaidan's ear and that bastard's going to hit him again and he wants him to shut up and let him think but he's right he should be able to do this and-_

Muscle memory has him forming the mnemonic without consciously meaning to. His fall doesn't stop but his dangerous inertia is, at least, slowed.

The mass effect field is limited though; he can't even _see_ Shepard anymore let alone pinpoint her location to encompass her in it as well.

_'If I can just see her-'_

His last thought is cut in blood-red, blinding pain. He thinks he hears Shepard cry out once and then all coherence is ended rudely by a sharp blow to the side of the head as he slams into the rocks below.

* * *

He struggles to consciousness, like swimming through viscous molasses. His head is fuzzy, pounding, and when he opens his eyes, he panics for a moment. All he can see is red and realizes he has a cut near his hairline that is leaking blood into his eyes.

There's a shooting pain in his back and Kaidan shifts awkwardly to relieve some of the pressure.

His fogged brain eventually registers that he is lying on rocks and he must have fallen on a particularly jagged one. As he rolls over, grateful that nothing seemed broken or dislocated, he notices that the fall had actually managed to dent his Hahne Kedar hardsuit that Shepard had only just bought him a week prior, on the Citadel.

Shepard would be _pissed._

She'd haggled that volus merchant down a whole two hundred creds, and then handed Kaidan the hardsuit with a ridiculously pleased smile on her face, her eyes crinkled at the corners by her smirk. He had privately (and guiltily) thought that that smile made it his favourite hardsuit by far.

With that thought his brain finally catches up with him and a sick fear launches from his stomach to his throat_. _With a lurch he shakes off the lingering disorientation and stumbles to his feet, looking wildly around in the darkness. Quickly activating his omni-tool's flashlight function he scans his surroundings.

_Please be alive, please._

"Shepard?"

There's stillness and silence. This place is like a tomb. It _can't_ be her tomb.

"Shepard!" He calls again, a little more desperately. The voice that croaks out of his mouth doesn't sound like him it all. He sounds like a panicked man. Kaidan is_ not_ allowed to panic.

The silence mocks him. It seems to whisper to his pounding head, _she's dead, she's dead._

He shoves it aside. He is a professional soldier, a _marine_, and he can't be allowed to lose control.

Quickly appraising the situation with a carefully affected calm when he feels anything but, he determines that none of the mercs have been caught in the fall and – judging by the distance between him and the beam of sunlight from the gaping hole – probably thought them dead.

He scrabbles off his little pile of rubble to the cave floor, and sets his omni-tool to scan for heat signatures, cursing himself for not thinking of it first.

He's rewarded with a ping towards his left and quickly stumbles awkwardly on the uneven floor in that direction. With a horrible little jolt in his stomach, he's finally able to make out the dusty blue and white stripe of her N7 armour barely poking from a pile of rocks through the diffused sunlight.

Throwing himself painfully to his knees he starts pulling the rocks away.

He has a hard time breathing when he first removes the debris from her face. She looks bad, cut and unconscious. Her leg is twisted sickeningly away from her body. Definitely broken in some way and he does his best not to jostle it. She still moans weakly in pain, coming around slightly.

Kaidan settles back on his heels to examine her now she is mostly free of the rocks. He can't quite seem to stop shaking, no matter how much he tells himself she's just another injured soldier under his care.

Her helmet faceplate's glass is cracked and the freed shards have cut her face. The nature of the way the glass was constructed has made it shatter 'safely' into smaller pieces rather than large daggers which could have sliced right through her face but they have still left superficial nicks all over her cheeks, as well as quite a nasty one bisecting her eyebrow. Blood flows down her face freely, following the curve of her nose and staining her lips red.

He brushes the glass away as carefully as he can, wipes away the blood, and her eyelids flutter.

"Shepard, can you hear me?" he croaks, his throat dry.

She doesn't answer and her eyelids stop moving; he notes somewhere distantly in his shrieking-loud concern that they're very pale, even more than usual.

Kaidan waves his omni-tool loaded up with a field medic software suite over her body in a jerky movement, his hand unsteady. It immediately chirps out a preliminary diagnosis's on his feed that make the sick feeling in his throat become constricting: Her leg is broken in two places and she's bleeding internally somewhere in her abdomen.

He applies medi-gel as best he can to what he can access, but he knows it can't do anything for whatever is wrong with her internally. Kaidan swears at himself for not catching her. He should have, she was right there and he had managed to save himself.

Stupid, stupid. He should have caught her.

He holds her face and gently swipes some medi-gel across her eyebrow and cheeks, sealing the gashes. She mumbles something as he does so and he smooths the hair off her face, over and over.

"Shepard? C-can you hear me?" he asks. "Come on, time to wake up."

A small sound escapes her mouth, halfway between a groan of pain and a cry.

Her eyes open to narrow slits, wild and confused. "Kaidan...What? I don't-", she breaks off, her face twisting in an ugly grimace of pain.

He smooths the hair off her face again in a weird nervous gesture; feeling useless.

He can't help himself and babbles, "Shh, it's ok, Shepard. We've had a fall, you're ok."

Kaidan tries his best to comfort her while her pained face made _him_ feel the opposite of comforted. She's needs medical attention, ASAP.

Shepard scrunches her eyebrows together, obviously trying to regain some control over herself and says shakily, "Report, Kai-...Lieutenant. What's the situation? The mercs?"

He starts a bit in surprise at the 'Lieutenant' bit; she usually never calls him that, but he reasons that she must feel bad enough to want to assert some professionalism into her voice, some way at wresting composure over herself.

He can give her that, at least.

"Commander, hostiles are unknown, we've fallen pretty far. I doubt they'll pursue." Kaidan waves vaguely in the direction of the beam of light that indicates the place they've fallen from; her eyes follow his lead.

_A good sign,_ he mentally notes. At least her eyes were focusing; he had been worried about a bad concussion. She frowns a bit at the way he scrutinizes her face and he knows she hates fawning concern, preferring to shake it off without fuss. She'd have to be dying to even slow down for a minute.

Kaidan pretends not to watch her and worry.

She suddenly turns to him, her blue eyes a little clouded as she says, "Are you ok, Kaidan? Are you injured?"

He shrugs one shoulder. "I'm fine, Shepard. I used my biotics to slow myself down, I'm sorry ma'am...I should have, I-I should have caught _you_."

He knows that particular biotic move by heart.

Vrynnus would make all the kids jump off the balcony in the auditorium at Jump Zero and if they couldn't slow their descent, the thin mats at the bottom hadn't done much to break their fall.

A boy he had known had broken his ankle landing badly one time. He had sat on the floor crying and clutching his foot and Kaidan had been the one to help pick him up and carry him to the infirmary. Kevin had been younger than him, sweet and guileless.

He feels a rush of nausea as he watches some more blood drip down Shepard's face and thinks of broken limbs and more bloodshed.

Kevin had later killed himself and both his parents in a murder-suicide. They'd said it was his L2 implant that caused a psychotic episode.

Vyrnnus had tortured them because he'd wanted to make them learn to flow gracefully, like an asari, but none of them had managed it. Rahna had come close, though. He used to think she looked like an angel, when he'd stand at the bottom for her turn, gazing up at her. He had always been ready to catch her if she needed it.

He's a failure again today. He feels like he's let another woman he cares about down.

Shepard sighs at his expression and cuts through his morbid thoughts, "LT, don't be silly. I'm a biotic too, remember?" She grimaces a little ruefully, seemingly annoyed at herself. "Obviously not a very good one today, I couldn't do anything in time. Heh, my old Alliance biotic instructor she- argh." She cuts off and clutches at her stomach with a shaking arm, sweat breaking out of her sickly white forehead.

Kaidan puts a hand on her shoulder and rubs it slightly, feeling powerless. "Easy there, easy. I've got you," he says and hates himself for sounding so stupid. She's bleeding and he's fine and it should be the other way around.

His jaw clenches as tears spring to her eyes and she swears, "Ow, that stings like a motherfucker!"

At least she was still swearing, he would _really _be worried if she ever stopped.

Eventually she pants through the pain and says, "Right, L.T. I'm not going anywhere, obviously. I can tell my leg's broken, not my first rodeo there." He opens his mouth to protest but she holds a hand up and silences him. "So here's the plan: You're getting out of here. Get to the Mako and rendezvous with Garrus, contact the _Normandy_ and blow the shit out of some mercs. Then come get me and bring me lots and lot of pain killers. Bonus round: if you bring me those things double-time, I'll kiss you-"

Shepard seems to realize exactly what she was saying by the way a tiny bit of color creeps into her pallid cheeks.

"-I'll get you another commendation, I mean…of course."

He can't help a tiny smile at her slip and she manages a strained one for him in return, embarrassed by her own verbal vomit.

The momentary light mood is broken when he processes her words and realizes she was going to get him to leave her alone, bleeding, down in this dark hole.

"Yeah ma'am, with respect, that's not happening. You're hurt," he shakes his head and a cold blue fire flares in her eyes.

She says firmly and with a little anger in her voice, "And that's _why_ I'm ordering you out of here, Alenko. Garrus will have no idea where we are. You _will_ obey because I am your Commander, and you are duty-bound to follow any orders given in sound mind and in line with regulations. And my mind is nothing _but_ sound, right now."

It doesn't matter if she quotes the whole regulation handbook at him; he's still not leaving her.

"Shepard, in medical emergencies the squad's medic can countermand a superior officer's orders and right now? That's what I'm doing," he fires back, stubborn and unyielding.

"Dammit, Alenko!" She barks. Her voice has taken on that hard edge of 'Not-fucking-around-Shepard.'

She gestures sharply, "My leg's broken. Badly. Judging by the pain I'm in, something inside isn't right either." She gentles a little, her eyes softening as she looks in his eyes. "You know it, too."

He looks away.

"Now, unless you can biotically pull a surgeon out your ass," she continues, seizing advantage of his inability to refute her claims, "and please do, by all means, you're a talented guy…"

He's usually amused by her dry, sarcastic wit, but Kaidan isn't really seeing the humor of their situation this time. If he wasn't so damn worried for her, he could have strangled her for the flippancy; she had a bad habit of being inappropriately glib.

"I ain't magically getting better," she breathes quietly.

He knows she's right. He needs to leave her behind to save her.

She's fiercely determined and he can't argue with her when she's like this. Kaidan knows intellectually, coldly, what he should do.

So, against everything his heart is telling him, he agrees.

"Aye, aye Commander."

* * *

"Good." Shepard's eyes shut in momentary relief.

Kaidan bites his lip and says, "I'm leaving you the remaining medi-gel. And I want you to stay on the short-range comms as much as possible until it gives out, ok Shepard?'

_You've gotta stay with me. I need you to recover; I can't make it on my own._

Her eyes open slowly, seemingly exhausted. "I'm the one who gives orders around here, Kaidan, but yes I will.' Her words are harsher than her tone, almost mumbled.

Shepard makes a tiny shooing motion with her hand, "Now scat, and don't forget what we want: Ash, Garrus' rifle collection, Wrex angry and bloodthirsty for some merc killin', actually just bring everyone, I'm not fussy. And wonderful painkillers. Not necessarily in that order."

He smiles, a little forced, at her attempt to make him feel better for leaving him, but they both know…it might be the last time she gets to make stupid jokes. She closes her eyes again.

Quickly fussing over her to make her as comfortable as possible, wishing for a pillow or something soft for her head to rest against and settling for a less hard rock, he takes one last reluctant look, hoping irrationally that she will suddenly get better and bound up on her feet to escape with him.

Before Kaidan has even fully parsed the thought, in a fit of insanity, he's leaning down over her, and light as a butterfly wing, pressing a small kiss to her forehead.

Her eyes fly open in surprise and for an eternity (or at least in Kaidan's mind a perfect summer's day on English Bay) they hold each other's gaze.

There's electricity between them, a single arc. She's broken and he's panicked but for a moment everything is alright. He sees something warm in her eyes, something that he feels in his chest.

He has never intended this to happen but before he can stop and fully think about what a bad idea this is, he has gently removed both their helmets and is kissing her fully on the mouth.

She was his own perfect Singularity, his point of reference, a burning hot star and he was caught in her orbit, powerless to pull away.

Despite everything that is wrong with the situation; her lips are responsive under his, parting to allow his tongue entrance, fusing them together like they never wanted to separate again. Her hand snakes around his neck to run through the short dark hair at the base of his skull, lightly skimming his amp port.

Thrills run through him at the contact and mindful of her head, he brings his own palms to her face, holding it between hands that dwarf her cheeks. He's kissing her in earnest now and she pulls him closer with whatever strength she has left, her tongue stroking his. It feels like it's the last kiss they'd get, something to say goodbye.

When he is old and grey, Kaidan is sure he'd remember this first kiss with her.

Sense finally comes to him and he pulls away.

_What was he doing?_

She was hurt and all he could think about was what her bare skin would feel like against his. A strong sensation of self-loathing runs through him and he stands swiftly in a rough jerk.

"I'm sorry, I-I didn't...I should go," he stammers.

She seems as surprised as him, lying there wide-eyed and swollen-lipped and says nothing…or maybe that was just the shock settling in.

Kaidan decides this situation could not possibly get any more painful or worse unless the sun decided to spontaneously supernova and honestly at this point he wouldn't put it past the cosmic-karma-universe-force-deity-thing-he-didn't-believe-in to screw him over out of spite.

He forces himself to march away and pretends that he doesn't want to look back with every fibre of his being.

The task of scaling the sheer rock wall is a son of a bitch. It's also one of the few times in his life he fervently thanks his mother for being near that eezo exposure in Singapore while she was visiting her family in Marina Bay.

After re-securing his helmet he flares and effects his mass to be lighter and make the climb a little easier.

Torturously, he makes his way up, muscles screaming in protest, aching at the battering they'd been put through in the last hour.

He has to pause several times to find handholds and rest but eventually the buttery-yellow light begins to get brighter. The image of Shepard's pained face makes him forget about the strain and burn of his muscles. She needs him, and he won't let her down again.

He activates his Barrier again as he approaches the edge, pretty futile even with his hardsuit kinetic shields for a point-blank mass accelerated round if the mercs are still there but maybe it will give him time for a distant shot.

Quickly, he pulls himself up.

The area is deserted, littered with the aftermath of their clash.

Debris from the obliterated probe he'd fancifully thought was like a sliver heart is scattered like so much flotsam and jetsam. He kicks a piece across the dirt, slightly jarring his toe, but having felt better for showing it what he thought of all the trouble it caused. Petty though that might be, Kaidan isn't in the mood to be particularly mature.

His heart lighter than it had been for an hour and not pushing his apparent good luck he quickly starts jogging towards where he'd last seen Garrus running.

As he jogs he activates his comm, "Alenko to Shepard. Shepard come in."

There's a rushing in his ears in the long seconds it takes for her to answer.

Her response is a soft sigh, "Hey LT, still alive here. You made it out yet?"

"Yes ma'am, making my way to the Mako, no merc activity sighted."

"Good, you be careful. Keep your eyes peeled," her voice is weak; she's obviously struggling not to sleep. Or worse.

_Pump, pump_ and _stutter, _goes his heart. "Just stay with me here, ok? I've got to have a chance to make things _not_ horribly awkward and apologize properly."

"Ha, Alenko. What would be the fun in that? Besides I think awkward is…sweet." The words were more exhaled than spoken.

"Shepard?"

The silence mocks him, his legs move faster. The dust whips around him and sweats stings his eyes and the cut on his face. He can't have left her to die like that, it's _not_ acceptable.

"Shepard, come in!" He barks into his earpiece.

He abandons any attempt at pacing, racing in the direction of the Mako, following the tracks in the dirt the three of them had made only a few hours before. That time seems like a lifetime ago, when they had been happy, joking, flirting and making plans to drink fruity pink margaritas with Garrus on Arcturus.

He's only made it five minutes more in the direction of the Mako when the dull roar of the _Normandy _fills the alien skies, her hull gleaming in the sun like an oversized mechanical bird of prey.

Quickly it lands and he does his best to wait for Joker to carry out safe landing protocol procedures. It's not an easy feat to land a ship the size of the _Normandy,_ most especially on terrain not designed for docking.

The cargo hold opens and it seems as if the whole crew practically spills out in their eagerness to help. Kaidan jogs the remaining distance, desperate for Chakwas or _anyone_ really to come right _now_ and make sure Shepard isn't-

He tells himself that she _is_ alive, just sleeping.

Garrus is there; obviously he'd made it back alright, to Kaidan's relief.

Not caring that he's ignoring Ash's curious enquires as to where 'Skipper' is, he storms into the cargo hold and orders the nearest ensign to fetch Chakwas.

"Shepard's hurt. Bad," He bites out. He's shaking again.

He turns to the rest of the baffled crew, "Tali, Wrex get some winches and rope; we need to stabilize her and bring her up with Chakwas."

Surprisingly Wrex moves to obey right away. Kaidan supposes he looks a little wild-eyed, caked in grime and very far from his usual cool composure.

Kaidan rounds on Garrus, "What about the mercs?"

"That problem's sorted." Garrus gives him the version of a turian grin. "Got to the Mako and in touch with Pressly and Joker. Pressly gave the order, decided to blow up some of their transports as a warning shot. After a nice orbital bombardment they kinda figured we meant business and left."

Kaidan wasn't sure if he'd been the XO on the _Normandy _and knew the people responsible for leaving her bloodied in a hole were within striking distance he could have restrained himself as admirably and let them go.

And that scared the shit out of him.

He'd built a life around restraint and it all seemed to be crashing down around his ears lately. He joined the Alliance because he wanted to protect those who were weak, those who were preyed upon by bullies with guns and armies and size. To do some good. Not petty revenge.

But when he thinks about her leg twisted at that bile-inducing angle and the cuts across her cheeks, he is damned if revenge isn't what he wants.

He didn't think his anger would stop until she was safe where Shepard was supposed to be, in the CIC silhouetted against the galaxy map, working on ways to stop Saren.

Later, he can examine his personal failings, when he lies down in the sleeper pods and he can play this day behind his closed eyes. The way it all went down.

After what seems like forever, Wrex, Tali and Chakwas arrive, laden down with equipment. Ash keeps shooting him concerned glances and he eventually lets her at least apply medi-gel to his various scrapes and abrasions. He is bizarrely grateful for her presence then.

As soon as they make it to the crevasse he starts strapping on the harness to be winched down for Shepard's retrieval.

"And what do you think you're doing, whelp?" It's Wrex with one great baleful red eye turned on him.

Kaidan spreads his hands and raises his eyebrows. "Going down for Shepard, obviously."

Wrex growls, "You've got a quad, I'm not arguing that. But you've done enough.'

Chakwas comes over and places a gentle hand on his shoulder. "I second that, Lieutenant. And that's my professional opinion and a medical order."

The desire to argue is on the tip on his tongue but with reluctance he realizes he's at his limit. He can't stop shaking and he's angry and snapping.

A migraine races across his synapses, every muscle on fire and he has the vague urge to vomit.

So he stands there while Garrus and Wrex disappear down and holds his breath while they come up with Shepard balanced on a stretcher.

She's unconscious, as he suspected. Chakwas practically elbows him out the way to begin administering treatment and continues on the slow walk back.

It seems morbid to him; the stretcher like a coffin, Wrex and Garrus the large imposing pallbearers. Kaidan never wants to see it again.

Once in the med bay one of the other first aid officers forces him onto a bed almost physically to get him to sit still, while Chakwas works on Shepard the next bed over. He can't look away from the pale curve of her dirty face and eventually the nurse gives him a sedative.

Gradually sleep takes him, the images of wires coming out of Shepard frolicking their way across his nightmares. The drugs make his dreams horribly vivid and frighteningly surreal.

In them -

_he makes love to Shepard in a garden of glass shards on the Presidium._

_Kaidan knows he shouldn't want this, but he does. Her face is expressionless and her eyes empty and that scares him._

_Machinery clinks and glass roses bloom to bursting while Saren and his geth construct mechanical spiders out of the Relay monument. When the flowers die and are born again, they cut into his bare skin, leaving nicks all over him. He's in pain and Shepard's skin is red, her blood is on his skin._

_Her lips taste like metal and medical alcohol._

_Udina watches disapprovingly and Kaidan wonders where Anderson is._

_The spiders resemble the Keepers and they skitter across his exposed skin while he moves above her; they crawl into his amp port and nestle in his brain._

_They spin gossamer green webs of lies and dreams while her limpid eyes never leave his._

_Shepard never says a word._

Kaidan wakes up hours later drenched in sweat, confused but feeling a little better than before, already shaking off the last of the strange dreams.

They're just dreams, he rationalizes. Drug induced and meaningless.

Shepard's sleeping, lying on her side with a fist under her chin facing him. Already some of the wires Chakwas had attached before are gone and the blankets are tucked up to her shoulders.

There's a rustled movement and Chakwas pads over, noticing he's awake.

She follows his gaze, fixed on Shepard, and says, "The commander will be fine. She was bleeding into her abdominal cavity but with micro-surgery the small hole was repaired." Kaidan releases a breath and glances at her as she continues, "The most worrying thing was the leg and large concussion Shepard suffered but as long as she stays off it to heal and gets some actual rest she'll be as good as new in a few weeks. You preformed some good first aid, Kaidan."

He smiles a little bitterly, meeting her green eyes, "Really? I feel like I didn't do much at all."

The older woman shakes her head, "No. You kept her conscious and prevented her slipping into shock. That's important. You did well, for the limits imposed.'

He sighs, and the little ball of guilt in his stomach lessens slightly. "Thanks, doctor."

* * *

Shepard has already driven Chakwas mad by the end of the first week and has practically threatened to have Kaidan keel-hauled if he doesn't break her out. Chakwas has caved first, Shepard's bitching finally destroying the usually patient woman's last nerve.

Shepard crows triumphantly and he can't help feeling pleased himself when she allows him to help with her crutches to go sit in the mess on the day of her jail break.

It's a small victory but he'd have thought by the way Shepard is acting that she had fought an Olympic battle of wills with Chakwas and emerged the bloody sole survivor.

But, he supposes, survival was something she knew well.

He sits next to her, their thighs not quite touching but he can feel her body heat radiating. It's a small pleasure, a token of their survival.

They eat his favourite cereal in companionable silence, carefully not speaking about that kiss and how they desperately want it again or exactly where they stand.

"So, Kaidan," she finally says. "I think you owe me, and Garrus too, a pink margarita after we check out what the Council wants next."

Her smirk is impish, her cheeks dimpled and flushed and her eyes trap him.

"I suppose after all you kept your promise, big guns, the crew, and wonderful painkillers." She smiles crookedly, "I think it's time I kept my end of the bargain. My tongue did slip away from me after all."

"What's that, ma'am?" He's honestly baffled, what had-

Shepard carefully looks around, confirming the coast is clear and leans over to press a feather-light kiss to his slightly stubbled cheek.

His gravity shifts in the most perfect way.

Kaidan's Singularity has returned to him.


	17. When Kaidan Met Shepard

_Pre ME1_

* * *

Kaidan is glad to leave Arcturus Station behind.

The cramped halls and windows show nothing but the blackness of space and the warships rushing by remind him of Brain Camp. Not so much the warships themselves but the constant reminder he is stuck on _another_ station in the middle of the void, far from solid ground and without the ability to _leave._

He has been stationed on Arcturus a few times in his career and every time he is glad to get another assignment, another tour or another crew to serve with. To his annoyance (and he admits to himself how pathetic it sounds) it's harder to avoid socializing. A few of his acquaintances, that he has served with over the years, would ask him out drinking and he can't use the excuse of work, or being on-duty to get out of it.

He has to sit in that little Arcturus bar that caters solely to soldiers, while cries of, "Jimmy! Chug, chug, chug!" echoes in his skull, and some muscled soldier who looks like he has more bravery than smarts drink three pitchers of beer in a row. He's bored, annoyed and his last assignment had been a month ago. He needs more work.

When the orders finally come, that he is being assigned to the newly commissioned _Normandy_ on orders from Captain Anderson himself, he packs his meagre belongings right away and reports as soon as he is able.

* * *

Anderson is waiting outside the airlock, greeting all the officers to welcome them aboard.

Kaidan throws his crispest salute and privately congratulates himself on pressing his uniform so well this morning. Anderson is a damn impressive officer.

"Sir, Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko, requesting permission to come aboard, sir?"

Anderson nods gravely, "Granted."

"Thank you sir, it's an honor to be here."

The older man shakes his hand firmly and smiles a little, "I picked the best of the best for this one, Alenko. I know you won't let us down."

"Yes, sir."

Kaidan looks at the _Normandy _cradled in the Arcturus docks and thinks this is an assignment he's been waiting for his whole life. She's a beautiful ship, sleek and graceful.

"I'm assigning you to head the marine detail, Lieutenant. You commanded it on your last assignment, correct?"

Kaidan nods, his professional mask slipping over his face and the wonder at the _Normandy_ fading.

"Yes sir, I commanded the marines on the SSV _Trafalgar_ for two months before my assignment ended, a couple of months ago."

"Your former commanding officer said you handled them well and recommended for your professionalism and dedication to duty." He gets the feeling Anderon is looking straight through him and stands a little straighter. "This mission is important; we want your best for this one. No mistakes."

Kaidan salutes again, "Yes sir, you can count on me."

"Welcome aboard, Lieutenant Alenko. After we've picked up the last officer from here, we'll be jumping to Earth."

He stops on his way to the airlock, hefting his duffle bag on his shoulder, "Earth, sir?"

"We still need our XO, she's on leave in Rio. Go introduce yourself to the pilot, Joker, and try not to take whatever comes out of his fool mouth personally." Anderson rolls his eyes a little and Kaidan thinks that maybe the pilot is one of those touchy ones.

"Ah. Aye, aye sir."

Kaidan boards the _Normandy _for the first time with a deep breath.

* * *

Shepard wakes up in her Rio hotel room and feels sick. Her head is pounding and she needs a glass of water. Disturbingly, she's also naked and there's a hairy man's arm around her waist. With disgust she shakes it off and starts to get up. There's a used condom on the floor and her suspicions, that she had way too much to drink at that stupid bar last night, are confirmed.

Fuck.

Fuck happy hour. Fuck nostalgia for the N-school driving her to take leave here. Fuck Rio. Fuck stupid shore leave.

That'll teach her to go two years without sex then get drunk around handsome marines with the sweet promise of anonymous fulfilment. Every time she said she wasn't going to do this.

And then she does it. Shepard shucks a hair through her greasy hair, angry at herself.

She might want a regular sex life without the petty emotional attachments, but that just wasn't sustainable with her job or...personality hang-ups.

Even fuck buddies were out of the question. She had no male friends she trusted enough for that. She barely had female friends.

She always said she could just satisfy herself... and then she would go get drunk and some handsome soldier on leave would catch her eyes and she'd think, _'So what? It doesn't mean anything. No one gets hurt if we are both using each other.'_

And then she wakes up in a Rio hotel room with an ugly, beefy man beside her and the urge to vomit, of course.

The current side of beef stirs at her movement and she snatches her bra from the end of the bed and goes to put it on.

"Hey, hey, hey, baby." The man who's name she doesn't even remember says, "Where you goin'?"

His hands trail over her back and around to cup a breast in what she is sure he thinks is in a seductive way but really doubles her urge to spew all over him.

She smacks his hand away and stands, wobbly. "Call me _baby_ again," she hisses and shoves on her bra, "and you'll be over that balcony."

Shepard gestures to the open bay windows that leads out onto the hotel balcony. They're fifty stories up and although she is just saying it for effect..._no one_ calls her 'baby' like she's some kind of pet or child.

She fucking hates it.

She looks at his muddy brown hair and dull brown eyes and wonders just how much she had to drink last night before he started looking fuck-able. Her poor bank account...good thing Anderson said he's got an assignment for her. She could use the hazard duty incentive pay.

The man's eyes narrow at her failure to lie down and go another round and he swears, "Shit, you're touchy. Just tryin' to get close to you."

"Well _don't."_ Shepard hunts around for her panties and shoves them on, throwing a curt, "I don't need getting 'close to'," over her shoulder.

The man gets out of bed. She thinks vaguely his name is Mark. That's what she'll call him anyway. She doesn't care if she gets it wrong.

"We were pretty close last night when I was inside you," he says, smirking.

Shepard smiles sarcastically, "_Please_. That was just sex."

He looks wounded for a moment, the smirk slipping of his face and she stops in her haste to collect her clothes, paused in pulling a shirt over her head, "Wait...you don't think that was _anything else_, do you?"

He looks away, still naked and making no attempt to get dressed.

Apparently, he had mistaken her need for satisfaction for actual interest in him.

"_Oh_," she says quietly. He starts to pull his pants on.

"Oh," she says again and tries to explain. "We were drunk...it doesn't mean anything."

Mark walks over to her and tries to put his hands on her hips, "Sometimes that's how some good things start, y'know."

Shepard backs away and finishes putting her clothes on. She feels dirty, she needs a shower. But not here, she'll go to another hotel and get ready to report for duty. She doesn't like him knowing where she's staying.

"No, they don't," she says to him with her back turned, collecting her shoes, a harsher bite in her voice than she intended. "Sorry, I'm not interested in anything more than last night."

Mark whirls and grabs her shoulders to turn her to him, his face twisted in anger. "So this was just what?! Just a game to you?"

"No." Shepard says calmly and removes his hands from her shoulder. "I barely remember last night. I'm sure we had a good time and you were wonderful and all that jazz but-"

He moves to the bedside table, roughly swipes up his wallet and spits at her, "God, you are such a bitch!"

Shepard feels a slow burn of anger in her belly. This was why she didn't do relationships. Everyone wanted something, some way to grasp their claws into her, some way to make her beholden to them, some way to tie her down.

She was never, ever going to be tied down again. She was never, ever going to be reliant on someone or have someone reliant on _her_. Those days were long over. They were heartbreak and ruin and depression.

_Fuck _Mark and his little temper tantrum. She wasn't afraid of him.

He outweighed her by sixty pounds, towered over her, and had muscles bunched with veins but she knew she could _smash_ his arms, _shatter_ his spine and _splatter_ his brains against the wall in seconds if she so desired.

He had no idea who he was dealing with.

"Excuse me?" she hisses quietly, her eyes narrowed. Her heart is beating quicker, adrenaline spiking through her system.

Mark starts to whine, pointing his finger at her accusingly. "You seemed all into me and now you're backing off. I am so sick of you sluts-"

"What?" She laughs bitterly and mocks him, "Because I won't fuck you again suddenly I'm a bitch and a slut?"

Mark expression clearly says that_ is_ what he thinks she is and he says, "I think you are a bitch. And a whore. You were much sweeter last night but I think that's all an act."

Shepard smirks, crosses her arms, looks him right in his plain brown eyes and she taunts, "You know what, I _faked it_ just so you would stop your little impotent humping. Talk about all promise, no game..."

His face turns rapidly red and he suddenly stalks over to her. "You fucking bitch," his seethes right in her face, his spit hits her cheek and he raises one hand to strike her cheek.

She can see it in slow motion and she's fucking _angry_. _How dare he?_

Shepard flares, her eyes electric azure, lighting up the dim room. The TV wobbles on the wall, the bed sheets shiver and a blue force makes a barrier between him and her.

She pushes it further with a flick of her fingers, and forces him against the wall.

Eyes blazing she gets as close to his face as she can, stands on her tip-toes and breathes calmly and with upmost menace in her voice, "Try it. _Just try it_."

He looks suddenly terrified, a diminished little man with no honor in a cheap hotel room.

What good were muscles against a biotic? Against a woman who could throw him across the room and over that balcony with a twitch of her fingers, a sleight of hand?

He was horribly outclassed and he hadn't known it until the minute she had him against a wall, seconds from being able to end his life on a whim.

"You're one of those freaks of nature." To his credit he meets her eyes with only a little difficulty and he says, "So what'd you do last night? Use your mind control powers on me?"

"Biotics can't control minds, you dick." Shepard laughs and backs off, unafraid. She isn't a little girl anymore.

She pads to the door, "My insincere compliments on the terrible drunk fucking. Oh, and you threaten some other woman like that again? I'll turn your fucking face into mush."

"Yeah, and how would you know?" he sneers, still pressed against the wall in fear even though she has released him.

Shepard walks back to him and rips the dog tags off his neck, examining them.

"Bitch, _please_." She rolls her eyes, "You think I work as a kindergarten teacher or something? Newsflash: _you don't run across many amped civilians._ I outrank the fuck outta you, you make trouble and I'll make sure you're demoted back to toilet cleaner on some shitty little station in the Terminus Systems."

She doesn't care if he tells everyone they fucked on leave; it's not fraternizing if they don't serve together. And her reputation is already less than stellar.

His eyes are suddenly swimming with horrified tears. He hadn't thought for a minute that she was Alliance too.

Shepard feels a tiny stab of pity for him.

Stupid Rio bars, this was a big mistake. He is a horrible person, used to getting his way with women but she has him by the balls and he knows it.

Shepard was never that great at sticking exactly to the regs and if she has to bend them a little to get some dirt-bag transferred, she will. She's not above using her rank to prevent him beating on some other poor woman who can't defend herself.

She wonders if he would have tried to rape her, in this tiny little hotel room. Maybe, maybe not.

Rules were made to be broken in exceptional circumstances and Shepard..._Shepard_ could be damn well exceptional.

"Please, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"You know what you were doing. Next time you wanna intimidate someone? Bully them?" She shoves him biotically into the wall hard enough to wind him, and then knees him in the balls.

"Fucking think again."

He collapses on the floor in tears and Shepard slams the door behind her.

* * *

Kaidan kneels by inventory in the Alliance docks and hums a little as he works.

They could probably do with some more omni-tools...they tended to short out occasionally when used too frequently in combat with cryo-blasts. Anderson would need to approve some more. He makes a little note on his datapad and queues it for approval with the Captain.

They seem to have enough rifle metal blocks for the armament but he's concerned a little with the metal grade. They had a bad batch on one of his old postings. When the blocks were loaded in the gun, and the mechanism shaved them for firing and mass acceleration, they had a tendency to shave too thin and hit targets at the wrong velocity. He would have to have a staff meeting with the arms master for that...

"Excuse me, could you tell me _Normandy's_ docking bay? I've forgotten the number."

A feminine voice cuts into his internal musings and Kaidan cranes his neck up at the woman standing behind him. The bright sun flares behind her for a moment and he has to shield his eyes to see her properly. She has a small duffle bag slung on one bare shoulder and sandals on her feet.

His eyes linger on the gap between her tight jeans and her loose blue singlet top, the stretch of skin on her flat belly revealed in the hot sun. It looks a bit pink, like she had been lying on a beach too long in a bikini without sunscreen.

He swallows with a little difficulty. He's been out of the dating game too long and here he was behaving like some...well, like a sailor on shore leave.

Kaidan mentally shakes himself into professionalism. She's not even that pretty, a round simple face, pert nose and small pale lips. Though...there is a kind of gentle sweetness about her.

"Ma'am?" he asks and raises his eyebrows at her.

He notes off-hand as he gets up from where he was crouched over the supplies, that she's almost a head shorter than him, her face turned up to meet his eyes, and sun-kissed by the famed Rio glare.

Her eyes are hidden with dark sunglasses but he can see a splattering of freckles, recently darkened by sunburn, on her nose and cheeks. Her hair is a mess of untamed waves resting on her shoulders and she barely looks twenty-five, probably a recent college grad or one of the large corporation workers on vacation.

"_Nor-man-dy_," she sounds out slowly, as if he was deaf or dense and bites out through her teeth tightly, "Which. Docking. Bay?"

He considers for a moment that he's a terrible judge of character. Obviously, when she opens her mouth there isn't much sweet about her.

He frowns at her, clearing his throat. "Do you have business there, ma'am?"

She might actually be one of the Navy nurses that they were picking up to aid Chakwas in the Med Bay. Anderson had said there were a couple of personnel in Rio he wanted.

He looks at her again with new eyes, if she is a med nurse...well she would probably be the one to dole out his pain medication and see him at his worse. He would need to be able to trust her.

But right now, she just has a sour expression on her face and he thinks that she probably has a terrible bedside manner. No way, would he want to be taken care of by her.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," she huffs. "Stop with the _ma'ams_ and just answer my question."

She crosses her arms across her chest and he notes that she looks like she works out; her biceps are sleekly muscled, almost like the build he'd see on a professional dancer or ballerina.

She cocks a hip, annoyed with his obvious appraisal. "I don't have time to play around. I have business with Captain Anderson which is absolutely none of yours, soldier."

He balks a little at the bark in her voice, the tone that says, '_I'm_ in charge here and _you'd_ better listen or find yourself in a world of pain_.'_

The words tumble out of him, "Um, it's docking back E43 near the-"

"Thanks," she cuts in and waves her hand once in his direction in distracted thanks, doesn't even wait for him to stop speaking and is stalking off in the direction of the Normandy.

Kaidan gapes after her retreating back.

What a rude woman.

* * *

"Ah, Lieutenant, we've been waiting for you." Anderson stands by the galaxy map when Kaidan arrives an hour later and gestures him over. "I want to introduce you to our new XO, Commander Shepard. I'm sure you'll serve well together."

Shepard? Wow. He tries not to let the surprise show on his face. He hadn't thought that they would get _Shepard_ for this mission. He feels a flicker of unease; she has a reputation for being somewhat of a bad omen for squads. That Akuze incident...

Kaidan berates himself. That's not fair, she just survived. She didn't ask for her whole squad to be wiped out by Thresher Maws.

He nods neutrally, "Ah yes sir. Where-"

He looks around for her, expecting some beefy soldier in imposing armor and instead a small woman dressed in the _Normandy's_ blue utility uniform stands from where she was perched by a tech on the consoles and walks over to him, her eyes glinting.

It's the woman from the docks and suddenly she's not so plain to Kaidan. He can see her eyes now, her sunglasses gone, and he thinks he's never seen a color so pretty, or lashes so dark and long. Her brown hair is now pulled back now in a jaunty, tufted pony tail, a seemingly little protest against the strict dress regulations.

She nods cordially at him, a little smirk on the corner of her mouth at his obvious surprise. "Nice to see you again, soldier. Lieutenant Alenko, I presume?"

"Oh," he says, struck dumb for a moment. His thoughts are careening into space. He's made such a fool of himself in front of his new CO. _Oh god_; he should have researched what Shepard had looked like before...why didn't Anderson tell him? He looks like a stupid _idiot!_

"Ma'am." He recovers a little, finding his tongue, "_You're _Commander Shepard?"

"Yes." Her smile widens as she jokes, "It is I, in the flesh, standing before you as a real live human being. What, expecting someone different?"

Kaidan smiles a little nervously. She speaks like she's making fun of him but he feels no malice from it. "Uh, no. I mean, yes. I mean, no of course not," he stammers. "You look like a Commander Shepard. Ah, ma'am."

She laughs, a bright happy thing, amused with his fumbling. "I thought we did the ma'am thing already? Relax, Lieutenant."

So while he curses himself for losing all his composure, and Anderson is watching them with wry amusement, he sticks out his hand and says, "It will be an honor to serve with you, ma'am."

Their hands make contact and a surge races up his arm, needle hot pain for a millisecond. They spring apart in surprise.

"Ouch!" she exclaims and he immediately feels a hot rush of shame in his stomach. He's discharged static electricity, his biotics wound up by all the metal in the Normandy. He's shocked and hurt her.

God, he hates his biotics. It's not fair. They ruin even simple things.

He starts to apologize, "Oh I'm sorry, I'm a biotic-"

This is so bad, his newest and most prestigious posting and he's messing everything up.

Shepard speaks at the same time as him, cutting over his voice. "Sorry-"

Kaidan frowns quizzically at her, why is _she_ sorry?

She bursts out into actual genuine laughter at his expression and he notes she has crooked teeth, like she didn't get the standard corrective dental care as a child. His heart beats a tiny bit quicker and he doesn't know why.

"Err, pretty sure that was both of us." she says, quieting her laughter. "You're not the only mutant x-man on this ship._"_

Suddenly something clicks in his head. He thought she was a dancer when he'd first seen her, but of course...she looks like one of those Adepts. They were usually small, graceful and lightly muscled, and if he remembered right...damn quick and dangerous. He hasn't really served with an Adept before, biotics still rare enough that there weren't enough truly talented to specialize in the Alliance.

When he first joined, he was one of the first few human biotics and hadn't wanted to be an Adept. Technology was too interesting to him, he would spend hours alone in the barracks tinkering with his omni-tool, so he had compromised and became a Sentinel. The Adept program was too restrictive anyway; they had very little flexibility in their fighting style.

Kaidan tries to hide the admiration he is sure is in his eyes as he jiggles his hand a little, trying to get feeling back into it and says, "Damn, that stings. I, uh, I've never done that before with another biotic."

"Yeah, me neither." She smiles gently now, the hard edges smoothed from her face. He thinks that she looks young again. "Guess that makes you special, eh Alenko?"

Beside them, unnoticed, Anderson clears his throat. Shepard starts a little, like she had completely forgotten he was there watching them meet.

"Anyway." She claps her hands together a little, getting down to business. "You're in charge of the marines? I'd like a report on the details strength, weaknesses, who works well together, etcetera, as soon as you're able."

"Yes, ma'am. Already got one typed up, I'll send it to your terminal."

She smiles again, the stars from the galaxy map dancing in her eyes. Kaidan thinks a little wildly that they look like a wide ocean, that in defiance of gravity and physics, the stars have fallen into the water to drown.

"Thank you. Dismissed, Lieutenant Alenko."

Kaidan walks away, into the cockpit to his post by Joker, and tries to look away from her.

He fails.

* * *

Later, he is relieved of his post by one of Joker's techies and heads to the mess. It's been a long day and they're making the jump through the Sol Relay soon, leaving Earth Alliance space. He wants to be alert for what is to come. Nihlus stalks around the ship like a menacing watchdog.

The coffee machine has a good view of the Captain's cabin and he can't help but listen when he realizes that Anderson and Shepard are talking in front of it. He keeps glancing over, intrigued to learn more about their relationship. They seem...close and it doesn't seem like their conversation is professional in any way.

He wonders for a crazy moment if they are in a relationship, if Shepard and the older man are breaking regs and carrying on some kind of affair. Normally, Kaidan would mind his own business.

'Don't ask, don't tell.'

But if there's going to be favoritism in the ranks...

Well, it affects everyone then.

"How are you doing?" Anderson rumbles quietly, "It's been a few months."

Shepard shrugs a shoulder, "Yeah, been alright. That business out on Persephone was a little rough."

Anderson laughs a little and says, "Rough is an understatement."

Kaidan gulps his hot coffee a little too quickly as Shepard makes a funny little hop on one foot and motions to a spot on her inner thigh, "Got myself a nice new scar here. I'm thinking I'm looking totally N7 hardass these days."

"Ha!" Anderson booms a laugh and punches her lightly on the shoulder; his eyes shining in what Kaidan thinks might be pride. "You were always a hardass, Shep. You're taking care of yourself?"

_Shep_...that's an interesting nickname. Kaidan thinks he likes the sound of that. It's so familiar and seems to suit her, suit her unconventionality and irreverence.

And, he thinks guiltily, it suits her looks.

He's made another huge error in judgement again, and kicks himself. There's no way whatever is between them is sexual in nature. Fatherly pride and warm affection radiates off Anderson.

"Yeah, you know me." Shepard answers Anderson, beaming at him, "I'm _always_ alright. Actually they're talking about giving me a commendation for my cool under fire. Fancy that."

The Captain laughs again, "I'm shocked. I think your cool under fire is more like rage under fire."

Kaidan gulps more coffee, it burns his tongue. So she has passion...he thinks that he's not the first to underestimate her and won't be the last. He wished he hadn't though; it bizarrely makes him feel like he failed some important test.

"Rage, cool, some diff'. Still ends in dead mercs, Anderson."

"You are something. I missed you, child."

Kaidan almost has to look away in guilt as Anderson learns down and gently, briefly enfolds her in a tight hug.

He doesn't think he was meant to see this. He thinks no one should see this, it was private and tender like showing the soft side of your belly to the wolves that stalked around you.

He makes a promise to himself that he won't betray her. Let her have this little bit of softness with Anderson.

"I missed you too, you big softy." Shepard laughs and pulls away. "Now we gonna stop acting like a bunch of soft jellies and get this show on the road?"

"Let's have at it, Commander. We're going to Eden Prime. And I want this one by the book." Anderson says and he sounds serious and firm now, professionalism back in place. "Between you and me there's something big in the works. Just get the job done like you always do and you'll be fine."

"How...intriguing. Horribly vague. Would that be why I have a Spectre stalker?"

"Hmm." Anderson makes a noncommittal hum and Shepard has that smirk back on her face.

"Gotcha. Alright, let's go Captain."

She heads to the lockers and Kaidan fusses with the sugar, pretending he has never even noticed them.

As she grabs a custom blue N7 suit, that he thinks she must have got dyed specially, he watches her hips sway as she walks away.

Big mistake.

Anderson is still there, Kaidan had forgotten him and he barks at him, "Don't even _think _about it."

Kaidan has to work very, _very_ hard to keep from jumping in the air.

Shit, shit, shit. He just got caught by her mentor watching her behind. _Shit._

"Sir, I wasn't-" he tries to explain and cover his slip.

"Bit of friendly advice, son." Anderson pats a hand on his shoulder just a bit too firmly for comfort, "_Just don't_. I run a tight ship. And she's more than you can handle."

"Ah, yes sir. Of course, sir. I wouldn't..." Kaidan stammers but before he can finish Anderson has already left, back to his cabin.

Kaidan bangs his head against the coffee dispenser a little.

He hopes he hasn't bitten off more than he can chew with this assignment.

He senses that the _Normandy_ is going to be either the making...or breaking of him.


	18. Clan and Kin

_Takes place a day or two after chapter 20 in __Changeling__ titled, 'Getting Away With It'._

* * *

Grunt is hungry, angry and worst of all, bored. Ever since Battlemaster had helped him on Tuchanka she's been busy with organizing ship upgrades and to his annoyance, she seems more interested in that strange human male she has started letting sleep in her cabin.

Grunt doesn't understand. What is so special about him? He doesn't understand why out of all the crew members that the human biotic is the one she talks to most and always pays attention to. He can smell the taint of a defect on him, he's heard the pilot and EDI speaking, the one called Alenko's head is messed up with a flawed implant. He hasn't even been on the ship long, and the Miranda woman had carried him onboard wounded. Why would Battlemaster Shepard want to deign that weak pyjak with her presence? He would only slow her down.

She is strong, Grunt knows this. The man is weak.

Grunt decides he'll never understand humans, or the strange things they do. Shepard seems to want to wrestle with him all the time, but maybe it was her way of showing dominance over an inferior male?

He turns this thought over in his head as he lumbers to the mess area. Maybe some fish will help calm him down, and at least take away his hunger problem. He'll corner Battlemaster later and convince her to take him for a fight somewhere before the next mission…

The human male called Alenko is sitting at the mess table eating a large pile of pancakes. Grunt growls low in his throat. Shepard had made pancakes for _Grunt_ last week…and now Alenko's eating the same kind of ones. Had Shepard made them for him too?

He thought Shepard had only done that especially for him…

The one called Alenko looks up at the noise he makes and raises his eyebrows. "Uh. Hello, Grunt."

"Alenko," Grunt nods and decides that the human is too soft. It would be dishonorable to steal his pancakes. He would be too weak to get some more. He crosses to the freeze and digs out some frozen fish, shoves them in the microwave then plonks down in the seat across from the biotic.

"Shepard made you pancakes?" he asks, and the dark-haired man glances up. Grunt bites the head off one of the fish and makes a satisfied noise.

Alenko makes a disgusted face at Grunt's delicious fish. "Uh, no. Actually, if you must know, I made them for her." The male smiles stupidly and Grunt thinks maybe his brain is messing up on him again.

"She hates cooking."

Bah. Shows what he knows. Human males are stupid, he decides.

Grunt takes another bite of fish and swallows, a little smugly self-satisfied. "She cooks _me_ pancakes sometimes."

"Because she's kind," Alenko answers, as if that explains everything.

"Hmpf. She is not," Grunts says and gulps another fish whole. "She is ruthless; she is krogan in human form. She is war and violence in the deceptive guise of woman."

Alenko nods and shrugs, eating more of his pancakes, "Sure. But she also makes you pancakes just because you like them."

Shepard had. His stomach had been sore; Massani had dared him to drink a gallon of engine oil, so he had. He wasn't a child. He was brave. He was a krogan of Clan Urdnot now.

Still…he had been lying in the shuttle bay, a whirling misery in his stomach and Shepard had come and taken him up to the mess and made him pancakes and gave him some water and suddenly he hadn't felt so bad.

Shepard was blood and anger and explosions. She was not soft. She only did that for him so he could be part of her krantt again and be ready for battle.

Grunt growls and can't help saying with a little pride, "She burnt them especially for me, they taste better that way. She says so."

"Oh um, yeah." Alenko laughs and Grunt frowns. "I'm _sure_ she meant to do that."

Why's he laughing?

He's about to demand Alenko tell him why he is mocking Shepard when Massani walks in, smoking those cigars he likes and with a knowing smirk on his face.

"Well, well." Massani coughs and flicks ash in the direction of Alenko, "Would you look at this: two of mommy's little boys sitting together. Where is she?" He mockingly looks around for Shepard, "Knitting you some booties?"

Grunt sees Alenko shove his pancakes away and his brows lower over his eyes. He knows that's a human response to anger, he's been watching the vids. Interesting.

"I think you should watch your mouth," Alenko says.

Massani laughs and then he does a back and forth motion with a fist hand to his mouth, bulging one cheek with his tongue, and Grunt doesn't understand. "Speaking of mouths, I wonder where hers was last night. She that good, son?"

Alenko seems to understand though and stands roughly from the table, scrapping his chair across the metal. He moves to collect his plate and walks stiffly to shove it in the sink for washing. Grunt thinks that tight line in his shoulders means he is either terrified or rage-filled.

Grunt bets on rage. He can smell electricity in the air and he thinks that Massani has hit a sore point.

Massani barks another laugh, "Really though, I should pat you on the back. Who would have thought that tight-ass bitch would-"

Grunt watches, mildly surprised when the biotic whirls around and Alenko doesn't seem meek anymore as he growls, "Don't you call her that!"

Massani chews on his cigar and walks closer to Alenko. Grunt can see Alenko is the taller, but Massani has the bulging muscles and bigger bulk. He crosses his arms and Grunt can see them flex, "Why? The princess loves a bit of banter like she loves a bit of old-fashioned drilling-"

"You don't want to say that again," Alenko says through gritted teeth.

Grunt is getting excited; he can smell testosterone and anger and pride in the air. Maybe Massani will kill Alenko? Put him out of his imperfect misery. It is a dishonor to limp through life so weak, having to be protected by Shepard. Grunt abandons his fish and stands up. He can't resist pumping his fists together in anticipation.

He hopes they'll tear into each other like rabid varren. Blood and bones and flesh rending. The tank mother tells him these are good things.

"What are _you_ gonna do?" Massani flicks his cigar on the floor and cracks his knuckles. "Are you her goddamn knight in shining armor?"

"Show some respect. Or I'll teach you to."

Grunt thinks Alenko's eyes are suddenly a lot darker, his posture is wired, the sleeves on his shirt rolled up. Now that he looks closer he can see Alenko has muscles too. Why though? How could a defect fight?

"Oh ho!" Zaeed raises his eyebrows at Alenko's obvious unwillingness to back down and crows, "So her Alliance soldier boy, who she moped around the ship all cow-eyed for weeks, moaning and bitching like a cat in heat, does actually have some quads. And here I thought she was afraid of a little hard stuff," the merc makes a motion with his hips, smirking.

Alenko is suddenly in front of Massani, gripping the front of his armor roughly. They're seconds away from punching each other and Grunt is so _happy_. He thought this day would be boring!

"Come on now, son." Massani hisses in Alenko's face, "She doesn't care. Tell me: is she a screamer? I've been dying to find out but she won't let me fuck her-"

The mess explodes; Alenko balls his fist and socks Massani in the jaw. To Grunt's upmost surprise the blow actually seems to reel the merc back, blood streaming from his mouth.

Huh. Maybe he _wasn't_ such a pyjak…

Massani quickly recovers though and hurls an armored fist at Alenko's stomach. The biotic dodges out of the way, quicker than Grunt thought him able, and is suddenly behind Massani with a foot to the back of his knee. Grunt thinks of the tank's lessons; typical tactic - take your opponent down as quickly as possible. You get them on the ground and they're yours. You can drive a sharp knife into their throat and watch the life drain from their eyes.

The merc is no amateur though and spins, kicking Alenko in his injured thigh and drawing a gasp of pain from him.

He backs up and Massani gets off the ground and charges him, the bundle of flailing limbs they become is driven into the wall, wrestling for dominance. The merc gets a good hit in on Alenko and splits his lip and there's the sweet tang of blood from both men in the air.

This is the best day on the _Normandy_ yet, Grunt thinks joyfully. There's going to be a murder!

"You must cease your struggle." Grunt's battle-heart falls as the machine that lives in the ship cuts in. "You will damage each other or the _Normandy._ I will summon Shepard."

Massani and Alenko take no notice. The merc has his hand wrapped around his neck, forcing him into a headlock and to Grunt's shock there's a sudden burst of blue and the mess table levitates to Alenko.

Grunt moves closer to observe, and the table is now positioned directly over Massani's head. If Alenko throws it at Massani, it will bash his skull in. The table is not small; Grunt would have trouble lifting it even with all his genetically engineered muscles.

Why would Alenko be considered defective with that kind of power? Shepard and Samara are the finest biotic warriors Grunt knows and he has never seen them Lift something of that size.

Grunt growls again, Massani must have lied to him. Alenko is a warrior worthy of Shepard's krantt.

"_Do it_!" Massani yells, taunting, "I'll fucking rip your goddamn amp out!"

Alenko struggles against his grip and red-stained teeth bared in anger, retorts, "What are you waiting for then?! _Scared_ I'll drop the table on your head?"

Massani does look alarmed and Grunt thinks they're in a perfect stalemate. "You goddamn idiot." The merc says, "All this over one goddamn woman."

"Apologize for speaking about her like that!"

They're both stubborn, unwilling to back down. Grunt thinks he would have already thrown the table and killed Massani.

"No goddamn way," Massani rasps.

"What the _fuck_ is going on here?!"

Shepard has arrived; he can smell her unique scent of flowers particularly strongly and thinks it's coming from her hair. She looks rumpled and flustered, her hair dripping wet with some shampoo bubbles. Grunt knows EDI must have just pulled her out of the shower. She's not properly dressed even, just a hastily thrown on men's shirt and tracksuit pants. Her hair trickles water into her furious eyes.

"Battlemaster! Your men are fighting and I'm observing their skills." Grunt pipes up, eager to be helpful. Shepard likes when he helps. "My creds are on the one you call Alenko."

"Thank you, _Grunt_. I can see that," Grunt's heart deflates a little; he thinks she's being sarcastic.

Shepard turns back to the two fighting males and he can see her eyes widen in horror when she notices where Massani's hand is, right at the back of Alenko's neck.

Grunt knows that's the best way to take down a biotic. A human one anyway, doesn't work so well for asari. If you rip an amp out before it's been powered down, with the biotic still standing and using it, it makes them collapse like a ragdoll in most cases. A sudden shock to their nervous system takes them out nicely, and for bonus points, it sometimes causes them to stroke right out.

The tank shows him memories of human biotics on the floor, twitching. The hardest part is getting close enough to do it; most protected the back of their necks. And it's very difficult getting close to someone who can control gravity.

Massani is an excellent killer and Grunt respects that.

Shepard looks suddenly afraid, "Zaeed! Are you touching his _amp jack_?! Fuck." She swears and is over to their side, but stays out of the range of the hovering table. Instead she barks, "You remove it and I swear to _fucking god,_ it will be the last thing you ever touch with that hand."

She turns to Alenko and Grunt sees she looks very stern, her face twisted in anger, "And Kaidan Alenko! You put that table down, _now._"

Massani doesn't remove his hand from Alenko's neck and the table does not waver.

Shepard flares with her own power and grits out through her teeth, "Massani, if you do not let him go _right now_, I will rip your fucking head off."

Grunt watches the mercs' eyes flicker to Shepard and knows that she means it. He releases Alenko from the headlock and the biotic stops glowing.

The table is gently set on the ground and Shepard explodes, "What the fuck are you two doing?!"

"It's nothing Shepard," Alenko mumbles, shame-faced. He won't look her in the eyes. The mess looks like a war zone hit it, chairs and the table moved from their usual places. There are spots of blood on the ground, Massani's nose and mouth are dripping steadily and Alenko's lip looks swollen.

"Get out of here, Zaeed." She points to Massani and then the hallway with the elevator. She rolls her eyes and says, "I just know this is _your _doing somehow."

"Me?" Massani affects innocence, shrugging, "How about you call off your little guard dog? Not my fault a little boning sends-"

Shepard huffs and flicks her head, sending water droplets everywhere, "Oh I am _so _done with _you_ today. I want you to go to your trash room and I don't want to see your face again."

"But Shepard-"

"Now!" She orders and Grunt would never disobey if she used that tone on him.

"Fine, fine." Massani backs down and throws a sarcastic salute to Alenko who glares at him witheringly.

"Nice game soldier boy. Didn't think ya had it in ya."

"Out!" Shepard yells again, and as Massani slinks off slowly she sends a little spark of blue sailing from her finger tips to telekinetically boot him in the ass, throwing him out of the mess area. Grunt can hear him _thump_ to the ground, sprawling by the elevator.

"Grunt, please start cleaning up."

"Yes, Battlemaster," he nods and begins to move the table back to its proper position.

"What was all that about, LT?" He can see her reach up, bunch the long end of her shirt in her hand and dab Alenko's split lip with it in the absence of a tissue, "This is unlike you."

Alenko sighs and moves to stand closer to her, almost pressed together, blocking Grunt's view. He shuffles over to pick up another chair and the vantage point let's him make out Alenko's hands wrap around the bare skin that is revealed by her lifting up her shirt.

"Your crew, Shepard, they're not Alliance." He says so quietly Grunt has to strain to hear, "They don't show you the proper respect you deserve."

"Ah, he was mouthing off again?" she says in a knowing tone.

Alenko swallows and nods.

Shepard shakes her head and smiles crookedly, "Don't worry about it LT, I'm used to it."

"He shouldn't speak to you like that." Alenko says firmly, "I won't allow it."

Battlemaster laughs and Grunt watches her put her shirt back down and lean up to press her lips at the corner of the male's mouth, avoiding the split area. "You're a sweetheart Kaidan, but I can fight my own battles."

Grunt doesn't know why she keeps doing that thing with her lips. He had thought it was some dominance right…but she doesn't seem very dominant over him. She lets him put his hands all over her, lets him disagree with her.

Grunt just doesn't get it. Maybe he'll have to ask Garrus or Mordin.

"This isn't how this works though," Alenko says. "You're my partner, we fight together."

"Thank you, really." Shepard begins gently but then her voice hardens into her battle-tone that would have Grunt throwing himself at an enemy to please her, "But you get into a fight on _my_ ship again, provoked or not, I'll put you on latrine duty." She turns to Grunt and he starts, pretending pick up a chair, "Besides you're setting a bad example for Grunt. We want him calmer, not starting fights everywhere."

"Shepard…"

Grunt watches closely, and an inkling of understanding enters his brain. The tank didn't show him memories of this, but he thinks they spoke about it on Tuchanka when some of the older krogan mentioned the female camp. What they did there.

"Zaeed will settle down when I deal with his weird revenge thing in a couple of days, don't worry so much," her hand reaches up and traces a path over his forehead, "you'll get wrinkles."

Alenko sighs, closing his eyes and she backs away from him, leaving now the fight is over.

"Grunt, next time, maybe come get me or something, ok?" she says and Grunt nods.

"Yes, Battlemaster. I only wanted to see their combat skills."

Shepard wrinkles her nose and she picks up the wet mop of her hair to wrap over one shoulder. "I'm going to finish my shower and pretend two of my men didn't just try and kill each other."

She walks away and Grunt thinks that he's glad he wasn't the one to piss her off.

Alenko has picked up a chair and slumped in it, clutching a glass of water, gently probing his lip with his tongue. Grunt is curious and settles himself in the seat beside him.

He thinks he finally understands what Massani was saying now. Why Alenko got so uncharacteristically angry.

"Massani, what he was saying…you're her kin?" Grunt asks and watches Alenko's eyes widen.

"Kin?" he shakes his head vehemently. "No, we're not related. God no."

"That's not what I mean." Grunt searches for the right word as Alenko sips some water. His lip turns the water in the glass bloody. "She's your…mate. You rut with her?"

"_Rut_?" Grunt grins as the human male spits water everywhere, some of it dribbling down his chin. "No, that's not what I call it. I would never, I mean, we're not animals. It's different."

Argh, why were humans so frustrating and wily? All he wants is a straight answer and they always had to clarify things, pick at them. Grunt prefers his own kind, krogan never mince words.

"You don't bed down with her at night then?"

Alenko stammers, "Uh, I guess we do."

"What's it like?" Grunt wonders, "Having a mate?"

He couldn't imagine curling up with a female. They're soft and smaller. Wouldn't he be afraid to break them?

But, Shepard is small and Grunt has never thought of her as breakable.

He's confused again. He doesn't get the games that they play. He doesn't know why Shepard and Alenko want to sleep next to each other and wrestle and press lips together. Grunt wishes he was on Tuchanka now and could ask Shepard's old friend Wrex. He seems to know what to do with females.

"It's uh…nice, I guess."

"I have clan." Grunt says, "But no kin. I will have a mate in the future."

He will, he decides. He wants to see what it's like. Why it would make a man so apparently mild want to kill a merc with a lifted table. He had been shoveling pancakes in his mouth gormlessly only moments before, seemingly small and weak to Grunt and now the krogan privately thinks he's one of the best warriors on the ship. Grunt appraises him with new eyes; he's tall, with good muscles and good training and skills. He had almost taken Massani down straight away at the beginning of battle, without his leg injury he might have. Alenko was just not used to showing off his prowess like Massani or Grunt.

"You almost bested Massani in battle. I was wrong." Grunt admits humbly, "You are not weak."

Alenko blinks in surprise and says nothing, just takes another sip of water.

They sit in silence for a while; crew members walk into the room and then back out again swiftly. It probably looks like Grunt tried to kill Alenko and it makes him smirk as he asks, "You would fight to the death for clan and kin?"

Alenko looks him steadily in the eyes this time, and Grunt thinks this is a man who would kill, who can command and who might be kind at heart but is not weak for it.

Grunt still has a lot to learn. He's glad he's with Battlemaster so she can teach him.

"_In a heartbeat_," Alenko says quietly, "It's what you do for people you care about."

Grunt sniffs, decided. "Next time I will join the battle and turn it to your favor. Shepard is clan. I can still rip out his spine for you, Alenko?"

"Um, no thanks. It's fine. But thanks. And you can call me Kaidan."

There's another thing he's been wondering when he is around Shepard. It doesn't make sense to him. Maybe…maybe the one whose name is Kaidan knows.

"Do you know why…Battlemaster likes to smell like flowers?"

Kaidan coughs and stands up, "Ok, this just got weird. I'm uh, I'm uh just gonna go and get some medi-gel from Dr. Solus. Thanks for the chat, Grunt."

As Kaidan leaves, Grunt stomps to the fridge and gets some more fish. Today wasn't such a bad day after all; he's not angry or so bored anymore. Maybe tomorrow he'll ask Shepard about the flowers. If it is a clan ritual, then he wants to smell like flowers too.


	19. Luna

_Shenko talking, takes place probably halfway through ME1. I recommend the song 'To the Moon and Back' by Savage Garden for this chapter's listening. YT it, if you don't know it._

* * *

Shepard sits on Luna, sweat from their long fight plastering her hair to her face and gazes at Earth disdainfully. The blue corona flares in her eyes for a moment, and she thinks if she could see herself, her eyes would reflect the blue glow of the oceans.

She blinks it away.

Earth doesn't seem all that impressive to her and she just wants Garrus to hurry up and fix the Mako so the _Normandy_ can pick them up and she can have a steaming hot shower.

When they had tried to leave twenty minutes earlier, the Mako had refused to start and Garrus had said it would take him about an hour to fix. Technically, she can call the _Normandy_ in anyway, Joker was off refueling and restocking on Earth, but she reasoned that she may as well let Garrus do it now, and not add back and forth trips to the _Normandy's _fuel allowance.

She also admits, very deep down, that she's a tiny bit glad for the excuse to miss a short visit to Earth.

It's so quiet on the moon; the only sounds are her squad mate's breathing over the suit comms. Her ears still ring a bit from the VI's last screech of static into her hardsuit earpiece. She finds it all a bit disquieting; this remote, almost mournful place. If she didn't know any better, she would say it was a dead world, a little satellite of emptiness orbiting a planet with too much life, filled to bursting with vying bodies and crowds and struggle.

Maybe Ash's god would have something to say about a Luna goddess, observing mortal struggles with a distant eye. Maybe she's got the wrong religion in mind though; worship was never her strong suit.

She feels too close to Earth, the last time she had been there was shore leave and Rio and it was a disaster. She thinks, with an angry sniff at the blue planet, that nothing good ever happens there.

'Birthplace of Humanity,' her _ass_. It's just another planet to her, another one with bad memories. She's visited a lot of planets in her time, and after a while she starts to feel that they're all just the same.

She has a burn on her arm from one of the VI's drones; it throbs and stings so she decides to sit in moon dust grumpily while Kaidan paces around their perimeter.

She notices through his helmet that his gaze keeps wandering to Earth and she can tell by the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes that he's smiling.

"What are _you_ so happy for?" she calls to him and he starts to make his way over to her, grey dust swirling around his feet.

He says with pure happiness in his voice, "How many men can say they walked on the moon and looked at Earth like _this_?" he waves an arm to the planet she had been thinking so unkindly about only minutes before. She thinks there might be a note of reverence in his voice.

"Uh, tons, LT." Shepard says slowly, "The Alliance has bases here."

Kaidan laughs, now standing beside her, she cranes her head up to watch his eyes when he agrees, "I know, I know. I guess it's easy to forget in isolated places like this…but it's still _beautiful _and amazing."

He looks back at Earth then kicks a foot in the lunar soil, "_I_ haven't stood here before. _My _footsteps are on the moon. Wow, humanity used to be only able to _dream_ about things like this," he breathes, wonder and childlike curiosity in his voice.

Shepard's heart skips a beat. He's so…kind. She's never met a man like him, someone that would stand on the moon and be so awe-inspired at just the quiet beauty of a planet. He's always making sweet comments, and seems continually unaware of it. Not like her, she thinks she doesn't have an ounce of the goodness he possesses, that easy sense of wonder and hope.

She's never met a man like him, and that half terrifies and half thrills her.

She thinks with a jolt, that she's having a minor epiphany while sitting on the moon, of all places. She might have finally found a man that would never call her a bitch or a whore or try to strike her.

They've been flirting a lot lately, sometimes pretty seriously, and she plays along happily because it's fun and sets her pulse racing.

She had vaguely thought on her next shore leave she might find him at a bar and take him back to her hotel room to screw his brains out, get it out of her system and congratulate herself on a job well done.

She likes him; he's funny, good-looking and an interesting guy. Maybe even someone she can become good friends with…that elusive fuck buddy she can meet over the years and be able to trust enough to let her guard down.

Well…without being plastered with alcohol and not even remembering the sex the next day.

She had privately bet with herself a whole bottle of vodka that he'd be excellent in bed. She always found the quiet ones to know exactly what they were doing.

If they used each for a little satisfaction, what's the harm? Shepard knows he finds her attractive too.

But she's starting to realize that he's not that kind of man…and maybe,_ just maybe_ she's not that kind of woman anymore. She speaks to him and she starts to feel a tiny amount of worthiness, he talks about her with respect and even…pride. It's so new and unfamiliar, half the time she's scrambling to keep her cool and not throw herself at him. He'd probably run a mile if she moved too fast, she thinks with a smirk.

The words fall out of her mouth as he begins pacing in a little line again, "_God_, I sometimes forget…"

"What?" he asks, tilting his head in question.

"How much of a _romantic_ you are."

A man goes to space to prove himself worthy of the woman he loves…or for justice, she remembers playing their conversation over in her head. He likes the old adventure books. She thinks that it suits Kaidan to a fault, he's all about worthiness and honor and old fashioned ideas.

Maybe Shepard could prove herself worthy too.

"I am not," she can see he's smiling again, a laugh in his voice over the suit comms.

"You really are." She teases, "You're all giddy."

Kaidan lowers himself to sit beside her, pointing to Earth, "It really reminds you what we're fighting to save. Doesn't it for you?" He bumps her shoulder with his own, "I mean you were born on Earth too, right?"

She doesn't answer for a moment, and rubs her stinging arm. He notices the movement and gently moves her forearm to his lap to examine it, "Shepard, you got hit."

"It's a minor burn." She dismisses his concern, "Medi-gel's fixed it, and the suit sealed the rupture."

"Pretty sure I'm the medic here," he chastises gently, examining it closely. "If it didn't seal correctly you could get an ebullism."

He spends a moment with his omni-tool hovering over her arm frowning. When his result chirp back that everything is sealed well and the burn is not bad she crows with self-satisfaction, "See? It's fine."

He releases her arm and makes a little disapproving noise in the back of his throat. Shepard rolls her eyes at him. Contrary to popular belief she wasn't _that_ bad at self-administering first aid that she'd fuck up completely, expose her arm to vacuum and give herself an ebullism that would swell her arm to twice its size.

He's giving her the 'cranky eyebrow' face, the one that says she shouldn't be so stubborn and should have told someone she was hit so she forges ahead with their conversation and ignores him.

"_Yes_, to your question, by the way. I'm from Earth." She waves her arm to the often reviled planet and says with a note of self-deprecation, "I guess my sense of wonder has run off with my sense of humor today."

It's true, she's tired and out of sorts and probably PMSing and taking it out a little harshly on Earth. She had lain awake for too long last night thinking about…well, thinking about the man sitting beside her.

To her surprise, Kaidan barks a laugh, "Ha! Run off together. Like the song, right? Good place for it." He hums a little offbeat tune, "'Hey, Diddle, Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle…'"

Shepard's mouth falls open in shock, _he's singing to her_. No one's ever sung to her. She's sitting on the _moon_ and someone is singing to her. And the song is _damn _weird.

"What?" she chokes out, not sure if he's mocking her. She can't even laugh at him and diffuse the situation; she's not even sure _what _to say. What do normal people do when a man starts singing to them? Women on the vids tended to start crying or something, right? She thinks a little too desperately, casting around for another VI to shoot. She _so_ doesn't do mushy things.

Kaidan looks at her as if she's the one that just burst into song, and says simply, "You know…like the nursery rhyme? 'The Cow jumped over the moon'?"

Nursery rhyme?

_Oh_. Maybe she was overacting a little; he was just trying to tell her a silly child's verse. She feels her face flush and is glad he can't see.

Shepard shakes her head and says with forced calm, "Doesn't ring a bell."

"How can you _not_ know that?" he asks as if she's suddenly sprouted a fringe like a turian or declared she was going to take over the world.

"I just don't," she shrugs her shoulders, feeling a little defensive. He doesn't know about her past and it's going to stay that way.

A silence falls between them and she shifts a little awkwardly on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest.

She feels like an idiot, that nursery rhyme was obviously well known. Fuck, she _always_ messes things up in these sorts of conversations. She doesn't know how to talk to men, she always plays it cool with some witty rejoinder or used her sexuality to throw them off-guard, but she always seems to be fumbling around Kaidan.

She suddenly feels inferior. He's obviously a nice, relatively well-rounded guy from a nice family and she's some low-class street urchin pretending at playing soldier.

Her stupid mother had never even sung her a nursery rhyme.

Shepard traces her ugly, crooked teeth with her tongue and feels a hot, sick swoop of self-loathing trickle down her throat.

Kaidan begins speaking, obviously missing her sudden mood change, "You know…this would be a great place to play some baseball."

"Really?" she struggles to even her voice.

"Oh yeah." She's happy to see he notices no change in her tone, "It'd be great in the lowered gravity. Baseball on the moon, now there's a goal to shoot for."

Grateful for the topic change, she seizes on it, "You don't strike me as the sporty type. Outdoorsy sure, but not sports."

"No, I guess I'm not really," he shrugs two shoulders. "But I enjoyed a few good games with my cousins back on Earth. I watch the curling when I'm on leave on Earth with my folks sometimes," he says with a small self-conscious smile in his voice.

Shepard laughs, "Curling?"

"Yeah, it's this Canadian game where-"

"I know what it is, I grew up in Vancouver for a little while," she interrupts, forestalling his explanation, "I just…it's so boring, Kaidan!"

"Hey,_ I_ like it," he protests and she laughs at him again, "And really? You're Canadian? I never would have guessed."

Shepard sighs, "I'm not really. We just lived there for a while."

"Your folks move a lot?" he perks a little in interest, turning his body more fully to hers, "Alliance family?"

"No," she shakes her head, "My family didn't…uh, they didn't work. It was just my mother and brother."

"Where were you born then?"

"No idea," Shepard says shortly.

"What?" His voice is uncertain, and she doesn't blame him. It's rare these days not to have documentation on datapads. "How can you not know?"

"Like I said, we moved a lot." She shifts awkwardly again, looking away from his eyes back to Earth, "Mom would get a boyfriend and we'd move cities, or countries. She was into drugs and…stuff. Records got lost, even if I ever had them. I didn't think to ask my mother b-before… well before things happened."

She can feel the surprise radiating off him and rushes ahead in her explanation, self-conscious. "My dad ran out on my mother before I was born, I think. I don't know if they were ever together. All I know is he gave me 'Shepard'."

She laughs sarcastically and he listens in silence, "Is it weird to admit I used to hope he was some Alliance hero? Y'know…" She waves a hand airily, but feels exposed talking like this, "Someone tall, dark and handsome, and just happened to get killed before he could return and be my perfect, normal dad? I know deep down that he just didn't want me, though. He was probably some...junkie who's condom broke and knocked up my mother."

"No. That's not weird at all," he says gently. "Geez, that's rough. Kids deserve a father."

Shepard balks at his proclamation and says sharper than she intends, "Why's that? I don't need one."

He immediately realizes how he sounds and back-pedals, "I mean…you don't _need_ one." He rubs the back of his neck awkwardly through his suit. "But I think a man should take responsibility for his children, you know stick around to raise them."

"The world isn't that simple, Lieutenant," She says, and knows her voice seems cold but feels unable to gentle it. She sounds sarcastic as she continues, "Let me guess: your dad took you to soccer practice and taught you moon related nursery rhymes?"

"Uh. I guess so," Kaidan doesn't take any offence though and plainly tells her, "Mostly my mother did, he was away a lot on Alliance deployment. He…he's a good man though."

Shepard doesn't say anything in answer, a little horrified she let the conversation take such a personal turn. She _never_ spoke about her family. _Never_. Why the fuck was she talking dead-beat dads with him?

It's not appropriate conversation for subordinate and superior to speak about. _Oh man_. She is so screwed, she thinks, internally cursing herself.

Desperate for a distraction from her crumbling professional distance, she casts around for something else to talk about.

She thinks about what they were talking about earlier and makes a considering noise in her throat, "Hmm baseball on the moon."

She gets up, dusts her ass off and quickly moves away from him. He watches her with a quizzical light in his eyes.

She sticks her ass out and pretends to ready an invisible baseball bat and calls, "Ok, batter up!"

He laughs, standing up too and says, "What are you doing?"

"Duh, _obvious:_ I'm playing baseball on the moon."

There's that laugh over the suit comms again, and she wiggles her butt and the pretend bat with clenched fists.

Kaidan claps his hands together, "Ok. I can play baseball." He makes a motion like he's preparing to throw an invisible ball, "Ready? Here comes the pitch!"

Shepard swings her arm with all her might, visualizing a ball sailing towards her and screams with mock excitement, "And she's away! Home run! The crowd goes wild."

She starts running in a pretend circuit of bases and Kaidan gives up his job of pitcher, laughing wildly and chases her. Shepard squeals, trying to put distance between them with her quick, small steps but his legs are too long and he catches her around her middle.

In the lessened gravity his body collides with hers softly and they roll to the dusty ground gently, breathless with laughter.

He gets up off her and she sits beside him, tears of happiness and childish excitement leaking from her eyes. Her arm doesn't even hurt anymore.

Once they catch their breath, Kaidan nudges her shoulder again and says, "Since you gave me the goal I was shooting for, I want to give you something, too."

"Ok," she chirps happily, "what is it?"

"Open your hand."

She does and he scoops up some mood dust and lets it trickle slowly into her hand. It almost seems to glitter as she rubs it between her armored gloves.

"There, I've given you a piece of the moon and now I'm going to teach you the nursery rhyme. Alright?"

Shepard nods, her laughter falling off her face as he starts to sing quietly over the comm:

_Hey diddle diddle,_

_The Cat and the fiddle,_

_The Cow jumped over the moon,_

_The little Dog laughed_

_To see such fun,_

_And the Dish ran away with the Spoon_

She hums a little along with him and thinks he has a really nice voice for signing. He can't carry a tune of course, but his low gravelly quality is comforting.

"So does this mean we're gonna run away together, Kaidan?" she says quietly, looking at him from beneath thick lashes. She knows she's being coy and flirty but she's unable to stop the words popping out her mouth.

He laughs lowly and rasps, "Maybe…but _only_ if I get to be the spoon and I don't have to jump over the moon."

She grins in her helmet, glad her mouth is mostly covered so he can't notice and see her teeth. She thinks he can tell she is amused though, her breathing puffing out in a sigh of laughter over his comm.

Shepard lowers her head, for only one weak moment she tells herself, to his shoulder. Side by side on the ground, they watch Earth before them and don't say anything else until Garrus calls them over the comms. The world is their imperfect oyster.

He's given her a game of baseball, the moon and a song. He's definitely like no other man she's met.


	20. Hold Back

_Takes place very early in ME1, really early after first leaving the Citadel. Plot idea blamed on discussion with Libbabink, all your fault. _

_Kaidan and 'holding back'._

* * *

On a tiny backwater planet, they get into a scuffle with a group of mercs. They ambush Shepard's small squad in the spaceport on the way back to the Mako. Shepard had taken them there on a quest to narrow down Saren's movements, to dig out some rational for what he was doing with the geth and a cred trail, the Council provided, led them there.

Ultimately it was in vain, he covered his tracks in the way only a Spectre could, but he had also left mercs to make sure anyone who came looking was taken out.

Shepard swears violently in the abandoned space spaceport and orders Kaidan and Ash to get to cover and take them out.

Kaidan listens to her orders, getting lost in the heat of battle. He half keeps an eye on Shepard and Ash, but they are both more than fine. The soldier's assault rifle rips through their ranks and Shepard is...amazing. Soon mercs are flailing and screaming in the air almost comically hampered by her biotics, like little slow gormless ducks for Ash and him to pick off.

One floats by Kaidan's head, screaming, "_Ragh!_ Boys, boys, please get me down. Help! She's got me!"

Kaidan can see he's lost his gun and is frantically trying to dog paddle through the air. It's no use, Shepard has him in her biotic grip and won't let go.

Despite all his years in the service and despite the fact he's often been accused of having no sense of humor, Kaidan smirks out the sight and can't help a low chuckle. Shepard catches him laughing, and in the middle of spawning a Singularity in the center of the port, winks.

"I'm sorry!" she calls to the hapless merc, not sounding sorry at all, "You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing my 'don't give a shit' hardsuit."

Kaidan turns away, wiping his smile, and refocuses on overloading some shields and firing his pistol. There's a new wave coming in and even with Shepard's crowd control abilities they're in a tight spot.

His gun overheats and he swears.

Mercs are closing in so he throws up a Barrier, saving himself from being shot. He knows it's weak, but he hasn't properly used his biotics in combat for years and he's out of practice. A merc rushes in then, seizing advantage of his momentary disarmament and smashes Kaidan in the face with the butt of his rifle. His personal Barrier fizzles out, not very strong to begin with, and he reels back, falling onto his back heavily.

The breath _oomphs_ out of him, he sees stars and there's red in his vision and he distantly realizes that he's been cut in the forehead, a wound trickling blood into his eyes.

The merc raises his gun and Kaidan can think of nothing to stop the death that is rushing towards him, his mind empty and-

"Kaidan!" Shepard is there suddenly, she thrusts her palm out and the merc is knocked away from him, flying across the port.

She pulls him to his feet roughly, and he can tell she's furious. Shame wells up in his stomach, he's messed up, and hadn't compensated for weapon overheat, leaving himself horribly vulnerable.

"Back in the game, marine!" she barks roughly and hands him her spare pistol.

He notices as they continue the fight, that she sticks close to him and again he feels sick that she thinks she has to protect him.

If there was one thing Kaidan prided himself on, it was pulling his own weight. This mission is important, an honor really, and he can't afford to slow Shepard down.

Eventually the remaining mercs retreat, realizing that they are a force to be reckoned with. Shepard's cool leadership and superior firepower, including her biotics, ensures their victory.

The trip back to the _Normandy_ is awkwardly silent, Ash seeming to sense that Shepard isn't happy and keeps her mouth shut at Kaidan's expression.

He feels angry too, and he doesn't know why. It bubbles up inside him and he doesn't know whether it's himself he's annoyed with or Shepard for risking herself to save him.

Ash heads to her work station once they're aboard but Shepard follows him to the lockers as he starts ripping off his armor.

She growls lowly, "What the hell was that, Lieutenant?"

"I'm sorry, ma'am," he responds calmly, burying his anger, "I don't understand."

"You choked back there." To his alarm she reaches a hand up to skim his forehead where a gash bisects his eyebrow, he shivers minutely as her hand touches the feverish skin above it. "This!" she exclaims, "This, is what I'm talking about."

"I apologize." He shrugs off her hand, "He got the drop on me."

"'He got the drop on you'?" Shepard parrots back. "How? He was right _there_. Why didn't you throw him away with your biotics?"

Kaidan shifts uncomfortably, his head throbbing. He's really not in the mood to get balled out by her. "Uh, it didn't occur to me, ma'am."

"It didn't occur to you?" she says doubtfully with a raise of her dark eyebrow. Her eyes flicker back up to the wound on his forehead and she sighs, seeming to make a decision.

"Come here," she says gently. "I'll fix you up."

"Ma'am?"

She shrugs, "You're bleeding everywhere and you can't First Aid yourself. Sit down; I want to have a chat."

Kaidan sighs internally but doesn't want to push his luck lest her mood turn back to angry at him. He doesn't want a black mark in his file and knows that for some hardass commanders today would have been enough to earn him one. He doesn't think Shepard is like that though…he actually likes her, but nobody got anywhere in the Alliance by pissing off superiors.

Shepard walks over and grabs a metal crate from Wrex's usual post and with a pant of effort drags it over to him. She puts a gentle pressure with her hand on his shoulder to make him sit on the cold metal. She then yanks the First Aid kit from the wall and shuffles to straddle the crate, two legs either side of it.

Shepard leans close to him, he can feel her gently probe his face as she asks, "You're an L2, right?"

"Yeah," Kaidan swallows. Up close he can make out every fleck of color in her eyes and not for the first time he thinks they're the most beautiful pair he's ever seen.

"I'm an L3. Not a lot of power, not like you, but gets the job done," she continues, her breath lightly puffing on his cheek. "I spent a long time neglecting other areas of my life to get where I am."

Her eyes shift to meet his for a moment, their faces millimeters apart and there is ice-blue steel in hers. "And I don't regret it for a _moment_. I know you don't have it easy and I'm not pretending for a second to know how you feel but...I guess I'm just trying to understand."

Kaidan looks away. He knows what she wants to talk about now. Why he choked.

Deep down he knows why he did. And it had everything to do with Rahna, Brain Camp and Vyrnnus.

The sick sound a neck made when it snapped neatly at the vertebra. He would know that sound until the day he died.

"I'm coming from a different place," she continues speaking, cutting into his thoughts by dabbing some medical alcohol on his forehead. He hisses a little at the sting but his eyes cut to hers in surprise when she says, "You take away my biotics? I'm _nothing_."

"I'm sorry, Commander," he protests, honestly baffled with her proclamation. "But you could never be just 'nothing.'"

Shepard smiles as if she doesn't believe a word he says and fusses with some of the med kit tools.

"Little secret?" she eventually looks back up at him, and he thinks her cheeks are suddenly a lot pinker, stark on her pallid cheeks.

There's a wry twist to her lips as she states flatly, "I'm dumb."

Kaidan opens his mouth again to protest but she shushes him, "No, seriously. It's _ok_, you don't need to say anything. In Basic, my Instructor realized this and said: '_Shepard, my girl, your brain sure as hell doesn't work for datapads or tech but shit_…," Kaidan starts at the gruff voice she puts on but can't resist a half smile at her terrible impression, "…_you can use your mutant, weird-ass noggin' to fuck some son of bitches up. So that's what you're gonna do_.'"

She half laughs and puts a tiny dab of medi-gel over his eyebrow and gentles her tone again, "And I did and here I am now, the Commander of this wonderful ship, in charge of extraordinary people, yourself included."

She places a hand gently on his forearm for a moment, making his stomach swoop as she says, "I knew it would be hard. But I couldn't pretend I didn't have this gift. I couldn't bury who I was."

Shepard waves an arm as if to indicate the pair of them, "People don't trust us biotics. They don't like us. We have more strength in a single movement of our hands than they do in their whole body. It's a birthright, a sometimes bad and sometimes good one and you shouldn't feel ashamed for that."

"I-I don't," Kaidan lamely tries to say but even he can hear the lie in his voice.

There's a little crease between Shepard's brows as she ignores his pithy words, "Life is shitty and hard and dirty. I can't do any other job besides this one. Ever."

Kaidan opens his mouth to refute her. He thinks she would be great at whatever she put her mind to, but the look in her eyes stops him. And he knows that whatever the truth is, she truly believes she can be nothing but a soldier.

"I'm probably going to die doing this job and not as an old woman either. Who wants to employ a biotic? We might flip out and blow stuff up with our brains."

"We've only been around the last thirty years or so," he says quietly, "It takes time."

Shepard shift a little close on the crate and her leg brushes his. She doesn't seem to mind the contact though and Kaidan feels a weird flip right behind his naval. Why does she have this effect on him? He's never this punch-drunk with women, especially women he served with.

He can see every freckle on her nose. The most teasingly cruel career suicide-flirting thought pops into his head: that if he was kissing her, he would be even closer. He can smell her hair, and it reminds him of the flowers his mother kept at their orchard back home.

"I couldn't save a lot of people," she snaps the lid closed on the First Aid kit and Kaidan guilty looks away. "People I cared about. But now I have the power?" she holds up a hand, a little whirl of biotic energy sparking to life, her eyes changing color to unnaturally bright blue, "You bet your ass I will try my damnedest."

She leans even closer and as if afraid anyone will hear, whispers to him, "I'm not afraid of you."

Kaidan's throat goes dry. How does she know exactly what to say? His hearts starts pounding, there's a twinge of panic in his stomach. Why would she say that?

Shepard backs off a little and says in a firm and louder tone, "Williams is not afraid of you, neither are Tali, Garrus or Wrex."

"I want you to be all you are," she stands up and Kaidan suddenly feels bereft. As if her removing herself from such a close proximity took something warm and comfortable away from him, even with the hard words coming out of her mouth.

"I want you to be the man I know you can be for this mission. Because it's gonna get tougher and I need to know when it comes down to it: that you'll have my back with everything you have."

He nods and stands too. His head feels better, the throbbing stopped. It's like she took extra care with him, with the attention she paid to his forehead, but he knows that's a fanciful and wishful thought. Shepard is usually no good at First Aid in the field, but she must be decent at if she has time to concentrate.

When he stands, she takes another step closer to him and he notes how diminutive she is. When she speaks, sometimes he thinks her seven feet tall and able to breathe fire and crush krogan with a pinkie finger.

"Biotics included, Kaidan," Shepard grabs his hand, makes a tiny dark energy swirl in her hand again and opens his palm. She passes it to him and he reluctantly catches it in his palm, it swirls there, a tiny part of her energy passed to him. "This is protection, and power and control," she says and they both stare at it in his hand. "You are its master." She shakes her head, "Not the other way around."

"Aye, aye, Commander," Kaidan squashes it between his palms, snuffing it and she nods, pleased.

"Call me Shepard. I like to get to know my crew."

Kaidan privately thinks that she's not being entirely truthful when she says that. She has a reputation from some of the other junior crewmembers for seeming cold. He knows that is mostly the Akuze shadow hanging over her, but she really doesn't seem to get along with a lot of people or have many friends.

A thing they have in common, then. He never seems to make lasting friendships, but he thinks maybe this time he's made a friend in her.

He lets out a long breath, one he wasn't even aware he was holding since the spaceport, "Ok...Shepard."

"Now, I'm starving and I can see from that pinched look on your face you are too." Shepard punches him lightly in the chest. "Do you wanna grab some chow with me and I can show you some of my techniques? Maybe you have some new ones for me to try? If I have to I'll make you eat every meal with me and ramble about biotics until you start dreaming about them."

He laughs, and this time his chest feels a little lighter. It feels like maybe some shame has disappeared, chased away by her frankness.

Kaidan makes himself a promise.

He's not going to hold back anymore. He's going to be all he can be for her.


	21. Heat and Eternity

_Ugh writer's block. Have some stupid shenko fluff._

_Takes place on their shore leave before the doomed final flight of the Normandy SR1. The planet Intai'sei between ME1 and ME2._

* * *

Shepard lies flat on her back on her couch, panting like an overactive dog. Sweat pours off her body, pooling disgustingly between her cleavage, her neck and sticking her hair to her face.

"LT, I'm going to fucking die. This is ridiculous," she whines to Kaidan.

"Mmph."

Shepard raises her brow crankily at his incoherent mumble and turns over. The leather on the couch makes a wet _squelch_ as her bare skin sticks to it.

"Don't 'mmph' me."

He's lying flat on his back too, on the floor near the couch. They had been lying together on the couch but quickly realized that the urge to murder each other rose at the increased body temperature and sweaty skin pressed together. She'd shoved him onto the ground playfully and he just hadn't got up again, instead rolling over and spreading his arms and legs wide at some vain attempt at cooling.

His eyes are closed and she thinks he might be napping fitfully on and off. She smiles at how healthy and happy he looks, tanned bare skin shown off by just the small boxer shorts he wears. Shepard grumbles privately to herself as she takes in her own skin in just her sports bra and panties, that he's a lucky sonvabitch to be able to tan. She has gotten way too many freckles on this sunny planet, she can see them scattered over her shoulders, a few popped up on her arms. Her cheeks are dusted with them; they had just faded too, from her last Rio shore leave. The months in space on the _Normandy_ hunting for Saren had done wonders to pale her.

Now to, her supreme annoyance, she just looks too young again with the freckles back.

Kaidan cracks one eye open to look at her balefully, "What do you want me to do, Shepard? The air conditioner is broken. The repairman won't be here until tomorrow. It's 50 outside. We're cooking slowly and I can't turn off the sun."

"Why not?" she jokes. "You're good with your hands. I'm sure you could build me a doomsday device to block out the sun."

"Good with my hands, huh?" he smirks.

"Shut up, you. You know you are." She rolls off the couch, falling to her knees and crawls over to him. She winces as she forgets the break of her ulna, the souvenir from Sovereign and takes her weight off that arm. _Stupid Reaper_, she thinks, _he can kiss my ass_.

She has mostly healed since coming here, Kaidan taking care of her and the Citadel hospital's antibiotics preventing infection in the bad break.

Still, she's tender and the twinge of pain has her annoyance spiking in the heat. Some days she wishes she could just chop off that gimpy arm and get a brand new, fresh one without the lattice of scars and history of breaks.

"Unless," she smiles as she crawls on top of him, their skin slick. "That was some other man named _Kaidan_ I was screaming for last night."

"Mmm," he murmurs as she kisses his lips, her hair falling around his face. "Maybe it _was_ some other Kaidan who snuck in."

"Maybe. You should give him my number then. I think we could hook up."

"I dunno. He's not as charming as me."

"Yeah but,_ darling_." She teases and he smiles widens at the pet name. "It doesn't matter. He's a sex god. He could be as charming as that volus ambassador and he would be welcome in my bed."

He laughs then and kisses her again, rolling them over so she's beneath him. His eyes crinkle, his face boyish and happy, the sun slanting through the massive windows dancing in his eyes and turning them the color of a sunset.

She loves him. But she's too afraid to say it still. So instead she smiles up at him stupidly and thinks that the whole galaxy should just freeze in this moment and let her have an eternity like this. She wouldn't get bored and she would never tire of his handsome, healthy face and those dark eyes.

His hand traces the side of her face, moving a few strands out of her eyes and she thinks maybe she sees the same love in his eyes.

He shifts and she feels the skin on her stomach peel from his. She groans, the mood broken by the heat.

"We should go swimming," he says abruptly and rolls off her, flat on his back again.

She lies beside him and says, "What? Swimming? Do they even have a public pool here?"

"Sure. They should have. It's so hot." He looks at the doubt on her face curiously, "You can swim, right?"

"Uh, sure," she mumbles. "I wouldn't have made it past N7 training otherwise. I'm just um, not very good."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, I can tread water for hours, you know. Part of the whole training package. But um, it's the forward momentum bit that escapes me. There's a lot of flailing and water gulping."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." She nods, grinning at his incredulous expression. "How many times are you gonna need to swim in space? I just sorta…avoid it. Besides, suits can handle vacuum. They can handle me being dumped in some water. I don't need to worry about drowning."

"I've gotta see this," he says playfully and jumps up. He grabs her arm and pulls her to her feet. "Come on. It's hot and disgusting and we need to cool down. I'm going to see you flail."

"I don't have a swimsuit and neither do you," she protests.

"Doesn't matter, we'll buy some at that clothing store at the settlement."

He throws on a shirt and pants and hands her shorts and a t-shirt and Shepard is caught up in his enthusiasm. A cool swim does sound nice, and at least she won't have sweat clinging to her back anymore.

* * *

To Shepard's surprise the pool is busy; she can see a lot of families here, the colonists taking advantage of the planet's warm climate to laze by the water. She's impressed by their set-up; it's actually rather like a resort type of place, multiple pools of various sizes and even a whirlpool one for muscle relaxation.

It's covered partially in a massive dome area, keeping the dusty red sand out but leaving the temperature nice and hot. Part of the ground is either terraformed into grassy knolls or around the pools, concrete and non-slip flooring.

Shepard heads to the women's change room, winking at Kaidan as he heads to the men's. Inside a cramped stall she pulls on her nice new silver two-piece swimsuit she'd picked up at the clothing store. She critically eyes herself in the mirror and decides she likes it. She looks fit and healthy, and if she's honest with herself, even with the freckles she's never looked prettier. She thinks, with a happy hum, that love agrees with her.

Shepard stuffs the bag containing her clothes and the keys for the rented Mako in a safe locker and heads back out to Kaidan.

He's waiting, already changed and as he fidgets, looking at the large inviting pool, she eyes his body. She feels a twinge of smugness that he's hers. He's the best looking guy here, not to mention the most fit. The months of fighting for their lives against geth and mercs have built his muscles sleekly, and they're shown off to maximum advantage in his trunks.

Shepard sneaks up beside him and squeezes his ass, dissolving into giggles when he yelps. Nearby people throw them dirty looks, but she ignores them, still laughing at the look on his face.

She teases him, "What's the matter? Think I was someone else?"

"Well yeah, actually." He smiles, cheekily, "I thought you were some big hairy man, come to carry me off to an underwater lair."

"As his booty?" Shepard wraps her hands around his waist and he puts his around her back pulling her close and running his hands down the bare skin over her spine.

"Arr me hearty," he growls and Shepard laughs so loud a fat old lady by the snack bar huffs. "But I have no fear when Captain Shepard is here to save me from the pirates."

"Damn right," she purrs. "Shiver me timbers, your booty is my booty."

She gives his ass another squeeze and squeals when he reciprocates and grabs hers.

They sober eventually, and make their way arm-in-arm to the largest and deepest pool where there is less people splashing around.

"You look damn beautiful, by the way," he says, grinning at her sideways. "I'm the luckiest guy here."

"Funny. I was just thinking the same thing."

Shepard pauses as they stop by the edge of the pool and grins at him, "Well, obviously not the guy part. I mean, I'm the luckiest gal here."

"Please, Commander." Kaidan stretches, preparing to jump in and kisses her on the corner of her mouth. "You'll make me blush."

Shepard watches with admiration as he arches and does a perfect dive into the water, and glides through it like a shark.

He surfaces, slicking his wet hair off his forehead and his usually styled bangs stick straight up.

He takes a gasped breath and calls to her, "Come on! The water's great."

"Alright." Shepard prepares nervously, shifting on her feet as she tries to mimic his dive stance. "But don't laugh!"

She jumps and hits the water in a belly flop, the water surface tension stinging her skin. But the water is cool and a wash of blessed relief after suffering for two days with no air conditioning and a man she couldn't seem to keep her hands off.

She struggles through the water and then surfaces near him, spluttering and coughing water out of her mouth.

She hears him laugh and suddenly he is keeping her head up out of the water by holding her around the waist, so she can catch her breath.

"What was that?"

"Shut up!" she shushes his laughter and shoves her hair out of her eyes. "I'm not very graceful in the water."

"Shep, you're the most graceful person I've ever seen when you fight." He pulls a messy strand out of her face and won't stop smiling at her, no matter her grumpy drowned rat impression. "How can you look like such a drowning duck?"

Kaidan is still holding her and she lets him, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. She thinks, judging by the depth of the water, that she couldn't reach the bottom to stand anyway but with Kaidan's height advantage he is able to touch the bottom and keep their heads just above water. So she wraps her legs around his waist and lets him pace around their area of the pool, the water parting around them in a cool current.

Shepard feels a great happiness then, here in a silly public pool being carried around like some normal girlfriend being disgustingly touchy-feely. It's…nice, she thinks.

"Well…ok, don't look at me funny or anything," she jokingly warns as she starts to explain her very ungraceful swimming style. "But I kinda didn't learn how to swim until Anderson taught me when I enlisted."

"Really? You would have been what? Eighteen?"

"Sure, we'll go with that age," Shepard lies a little and presses on before he notices, "Anyway, I uh, didn't get a chance to learn as a kid. So he kind of taught me by throwing me into the deep end until I didn't drown anymore." She chuckles, "It's like my philosophy on life, now that I think about it."

"So you're self-taught?"

"I guess. It's more a '_keep-your-head-above-water'_ method than a '_become-an-Olympic-swimmer'_ method. How did you learn?"

He shrugs as she starts to massage his shoulders, feeling relaxed held in arms, the cool water kissing her skin. "I had swimming lessons since I was a kid. My Ma took me."

"That would have been nice."

He laughs, "Yeah, I hated them. Then when I was a teenager, before Brain Camp I mean, in high school I joined the swim team. I was pretty good."

She hums in answer, imagining a dorky teenage Kaidan in tiny little trunks and grins at the mental image. She kisses him then, almost idly and just because she can. The she amuses herself by spiking his hair up with water and laughing when he protests.

They're distracted from their carefree play by the sound of panting and splashing and Kaidan turns around.

There's a little boy behind them, dog-paddling through the water near the edge and dipping under the water and spluttering every so often.

Kaidan lets go off Shepard, leaving her to tread water and slicks through the water to the boy. She follows after him a little more slowly.

"Hey buddy, what are you doing in the grown-ups pool?" Kaidan asks, and helps the little boy clutch the side to keep his head above water.

"Imma big boy now." The kid lisps. "Momma says I should stick to the baby pool, but Imma good swimmer."

Shepard frowns and swims to Kaidan's side. The kid looks way too young to be in water so deep. There aren't many people up this end of the pool besides them and there is no sign of his parents.

Shepard says gently, "I'm sure you are a great swimmer, but you should go find your Momma. She'll be cranky if she find out you're in here. It's not safe in the grown-ups pool." Shepard holds the edge herself and points to the distant ladder. "You're tired and the ladder's pretty far. What if you got all puffed out?"

The little boys large blue eyes fill with horror, "I wouldn't like that."

"No," she agrees, thinking of his head disappearing beneath the water. "So I think you should go find your Momma."

He nods tremulously and looks doubtfully at the far away ladder, his little eyebrows creased.

She turns and says, "Kaidan, could you lift him out? I can't touch the bottom here."

"Sure." He moves and puts his hands under the little boy's armpits, hefting him onto the side. "There you go, big guy."

"You remember to stay out of the big pool, ok?" Shepard orders as the kid clambers to his feet. "Or I'll have to find your mom and get you in big trouble."

"Ok, lady." He nods fervently, "I'll be good. The big pool is scary."

He runs off to the children's area and she breathes a sigh of relief.

"Stupid parents," she mutters as she wraps her arms back around Kaidan's shoulders. "Should keep a goddamn eye on their kids."

"That's a bit unfair, don't you think? He could have wandered off."

"Don't really care," she says bluntly. "Can't keep an eye on them? Don't have them in the first place. Kid could have drowned."

He sighs. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

"But anyway, we've done our good deed in the galaxy for the day," she chirps, wiping the thought of a drowned kid from her mind. Kaidan starts walking through the water again, and she wraps her legs back around him. "Let's talk about bad deeds," she purrs and kisses his neck, tasting the water droplets and the slight saltiness of sweat.

She feels his Adam's apple vibrate as he hums, "Bad deeds, hmm?"

"Yeah, like that thing with your tongue you did last night. That was very naughty."

"I don't think so." He raises his eyebrows and kisses the line of her jaw, then whispers to the shell of her ear, "I think you're the naughty one."

"No way, Mr. Alenko." Beneath the water she grinds her hips against his. "It's all on you."

"Mmph."

"Thought I told you not to 'mmph' me?"

"I'm not on duty," he mumbles between open-mouthed, wet kisses to her neck. "I do what I want."

"Yes, you do." Shepard lets her head fall back, baring her throat to him and lets her hair trail like a dark serpent in the water.

"I think we should buy a pool for the apartment next shore leave," she says after a while as his hands massage her back. She can feel his fingertips have pruned, they've been in the water so long. Above them, Intai'sei's sun burns its fiery red-rage but it no longer bothers her. "Then we shall make pool sex a most _excellent_ thing without terrifying little kiddies."

"A most _excellent_ thing, huh?" Shepard can feel that even in the cool water he is hard for her. "I think that sounds like the best thing in the galaxy."

Shepard watches the ripples in the water, his amber eyes, and the water droplets clinging to his dark eyelashes and kisses him fully on the mouth for long moments. She doesn't care who sees them, let them be nosy. Shepard and Kaidan are on shore leave and she cares for nothing but being held in his arms like this.

"You are best idea Lieutenant from now on, ok?" She says, thinking of how she was initially reluctant to go swimming and only did it because of his cajoling. "I thought I might have to murder you, I was so hot and cranky before."

Kaidan laughs huskily and says with a dark, seductive look in his eyes, "Now you're just hot."

"Ha ha." She says sarcastically, "You're _so _funny and witty, LT."

"What?" He shrugs, his eyes crinkling again. "I'm known on the _Normandy_ for my sense of humor."

"I'm sure. And I'm known for my admirable restraint, clean mouth and punctual reports."

"We're two of a kind." His hand moves down her back in long movements, kneading the muscles.

Shepard wraps her arms tighter around his neck and kisses his mouth again.

"The best kind," she murmurs and thinks she'll never leave this pool. Eternity would be very nice to spend with him.


	22. Amp Up

_Takes place in ME1, more than halfway through. Shepard and Kaidan have kissed and flirted pretty heavily before, and have a weird 'not-dating-but-kind-of-are' relationship so this takes places sometime after the drabbles entitled 'Lever' and 'Who Dares, Wins'. You can slot it in anywhere you like really, aside from that, as long as it's before Ilos._

_CW: Slightly smutty._

* * *

"Hey, old man."

Shepard enters Anderson's office, a wide smile stretching across her face at the sight of her old friend. She hasn't seen him for a couple of weeks, not since their last stop in to the Citadel and she lets her eyes drift over the craggy creases in his face, his warm brown eyes and familiar uniform.

She salutes briefly and so sloppy that it wouldn't pass parade inspection and throws her body into the seat in front of his desk, draping in the cushioned chair in a messy heap.

Anderson beams back at her, returns her hasty salute and then sits down. "Shepard, a pleasure as always."

"Now, now," she mockingly tuts, still grinning. "Don't go getting all fancy on me. You going all soft in this desk job?"

He laughs, booming loud and it reminds her of happier times, when she was younger and far more brash.

"Kiddo, I could still take you down, one hand tied behind my back. Blindfolded."

"My, my," she says, holding back the giggle threatening to burst from her lips. "Such daring words for a senior. We both know I'd break you in two."

She watches amusedly as Anderson's lips twitch as if he too is trying to keep from laughing.

It doesn't work. A strangled giggle escapes her throat, belly-deep and loud and he loses it, dissolving into chuckles. They sober after a while and he shuffles some papers around his desk, becoming more business-like.

"How's the mission?" he asks. "What are you doing back on the Citadel?"

Shepard shrugs. "It's going as well as can be expected. We're getting closer to catching him, I can feel it."

She pauses, the rush of anger she feels at Saren matching the gleam of overdue revenge she sees in Anderson's eyes.

"We're back on the Citadel for supplies mostly," Shepard continues, "The mess sergeant was bitchin' at me; we were running low on edible things apparently." She rolls her eyes, half joking. She knows their supplies are low, and it would be no good for morale if they have to eat gruel for a week just because she's too stingy with fuel and bent on hunting down Saren to head back to the Citadel.

"Hmm, yes," Anderson hums, affection in his eyes. "That damn need to eat always did slow you down."

"I know, right? Stupid human limits," she scoffs, smiling gently. "No, it's good really. Gives the crew a few hours to de-stress, take some leave, drink or fuck or whatever."

She lifts her shoulder in a shrug, thinking of the crew who had made a beeline for the Wards and the asari massage parlors and strip clubs there. Garrus told her parts of the Ward are notorious red light districts, seedy but with a fetish for everyone if only they have the creds to pay for it. And she wonders if he knew that from personal experience or just his C-SEC days.

God, she hopes she wouldn't have to make a ship announcement about not catching STDs while on shore leave. That thought has her shuddering, and resolving to leave it in Chakwas' capable hands.

"It's good to get away from people they've been crammed in with for months," she says to her mentor, thinking that there was one lieutenant that she has made absolutely no effort at all to get away from. She doesn't mind being packed in like a sardine with him.

Anderson seems to see right through her, asking with a raised brow, "Hmm, not you though?"

"Nah," she says, coughing a little uncomfortably. "Told ya, last time I had a bad hangover in Rio. Lost my taste for the drink."

And screwing strangers, she thinks privately, not daring to mention to Anderson what she had done with her last day of leave. It was the day she had met Kaidan in that Rio dock. She doesn't think she could ever forget it.

Anderson gives her a shrewd, penetrating look. "Why do you have that look in your eyes like you're lying to me?"

"I think those gene mods need touching up, Anderson," she laughs, distracting him from her sudden rush of self-consciousness and urge to fidget. "Your eyesight's going."

"So you came all the way up to my Presidium office to mock an old man?"

"No, uh Lieutenant Alenko and I were just shopping for some new amps for the biotics on the team."

Shepard smiles, remembering how Kaidan had nerded out over the amp specs and she had been dragged around the shopping center as he held various ones up to the back of her neck, mumbling to himself over what one would be best for her. "I got kinda bored and left him to it, to come annoy you."

"I'm flattered you could find time out of your busy schedule, Shepard," Anderson says with a mock little bow, teasing her. "Just to come and harass an old soldier."

"Old soldier, my ass. You're a crafty old devil," she refutes, eyes narrowing as if to not let him get away with playing the wounded party. She sees through his tricks, if he wanted to, he could take down a soldier Kaidan's age any day. He taught her all she knew, after all.

There's a sudden crackle on her omni-tool and she flares it, pressing the comm button.

"Shepard? I got the amps." Kaidan's voice comes through. "Where did you go?"

"Kaidan, I went up to Anderson's office. Come on up."

"Will do. Alenko out."

Anderson smiles and Shepard doesn't like the knowing look in his eyes. "I was hoping your…vitality would bring out the best in him. Seems to have worked."

"Really?" she asks, surprised. "My _vitality_?"

"Yeah." Anderson nods. "He had a good record but he wasn't really progressing very quickly in the ranks. I had hoped some of your…'take no prisoners' attitude would rub off, give him a bit of fight and fire."

"Huh." Shepard looks away, tapping a finger at her lips in thought. She hadn't really considered Anderson's assignment of Kaidan under her; she had thought he might have done it more for her benefit with his biotic skills and restraint. Aside from how their personalities click together and she considers him a dear friend (and more), he's an excellent match for her skill set as part of a ground team. Maybe the sly old soldier had done it for _both_ of their skill's progression and growth as officers.

"Well, he's certainly a very capable officer," she says, straightening in her chair. "And he has grown a lot. I'm not sure that I had anything to do with that, but sure, I'll take the credit if you wanna give it to me."

Anderson frowns at her attempt at playing down her skills and she scowls back at him, matching the furrowing of his eyebrows just to annoy him. "You have the unique ability to bring out the best and worst in people, Shepard. It's what makes you such a good commander. I saw that when you were a sixteen year old slip of a girl, swamped in your uniform and still too skinny and I see it now."

"Here I thought that was my natural charisma," she grins and Anderson laughs again, the sound echoing in the expansive office.

"Charisma of a sea sponge."

Kaidan chooses that moment to appear in the doorway, laden down with packages of military grade equipment.

"Anderson. Shepard," he greets, nodding to them.

Shepard jumps up, crosses over to him and says, "Here, I got them."

She takes some packages from his hands so he can move more freely and settles them down beside her chair as he does the same with the ones left over.

Once his hands are free, Kaidan stands to attention, swiftly saluting Anderson. "Sir!"

"At ease, Alenko."

Kaidan turns awkwardly to Shepard, producing from a bag a steaming travel mug of coffee and a sweet smelling, sugary donut.

"I, uh, brought you some coffee and a donut, Shepard. From that salarian stand outside." He frowns at the older man as Shepard gratefully takes the food from him. "Sorry sir, I would have brought you one too…"

"That's ok, Alenko." Anderson waves him off. "I think I'll live without you bringing me treats."

"Thanks, LT." Shepard says, shoving the donut into her mouth and mumbling around it, "I'm starving."

Kaidan grins and she can tell that he's happy at her enthusiasm for his little gift. Shepard smiles back, crumbs falling out of her mouth in a very unlady-like fashion.

"Got the amps?" she asks, looking at some of the smaller packages.

"Yeah. I checked them out, seem good quality."

"Good." She nods, impressed with his selection and attention to detail. "We'll check 'em out on the ship. This one just isn't meeting my power requirements anymore." Shepard motions to the back of her neck and the metal imbedded there, annoyed at its poor performance lately. She has progressed with her biotic talents lately but the old Gemini amp just doesn't have enough juice to keep up with her anymore.

Shepard gestures to the spare seat in front of Anderson's desk and Kaidan sits in the chair beside hers, Anderson striking up some conversation over the latest Alliance news bulletin.

Shepard listens with half an ear to the two men's deep, pleasant voices as she sips her coffee and relaxes in the padded seat.

It's nice here, with her two favorite men in the galaxy talking to each other, her crew safe and her ship safety nestled in the docking bay. She has a good life now and she feels some muscles in her back loosen, the bitterness of coffee on her tongue and the shine of warm, artificial Presidium light on her skin. The freshly laundered casual uniform she wears is comfortable and she feels herself start to drift, lulled by the calm tones of her men and contentedness in her heart.

"You hear about that frat case they had back on Earth, in the artillery division?" she hears Anderson ask and a small chill runs up her back, her warm bubble popped and bringing her back to reality.

"Uh, no," Kaidan replies. "I've missed a lot of the scuttlebutt lately."

"One of the worst cases I've seen," Anderson says with a frown. "Messy. Officer and an enlisted. The officer was a married man, young kid at home. Idiot, adding adultery and a kid to that sad mix. The enlisted was barely out of Basic, young bright kid. And to top it off the officer knocked her up. His career is over, there's talk of a court martial. All came out when a friend turned them in, jealous of some favoritism that was going on." He shakes his head. "Damn shame, they had promising careers."

"Yeah," Kaidan hums and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. Shepard prays that he has the good sense to keep his mouth shut and just agree with Anderson. "What happened to the enlisted?"

"Oh, she was shuffled around, put on desk duty. The blame falls on him of course, but she's not going to shake off the stigma. Odds are she'll wash out."

Kaidan says, "They're still together?"

"No. Officer tried to deny parentage, said she slept around and was trying to pin it on him."

Kaidan's eyes narrow angrily, and she knows that his sense of honor would judge the officer harshly. "Shit, that's awful."

"Yeah," Anderson nods in agreement, the crease between his eyes a canyon. He crosses his arms across his barrel chest and says, "Bad conduct all around."

A heavy silence falls and she looks at the remaining dregs of coffee in her cup, for some reason no longer able to meet Anderson's eyes.

"We should head back," she says, glancing at Kaidan. He stands and collects the parcels again and she takes some in her arms, lightening his load.

Kaidan nods to Anderson, salutes respectfully and heads to the exit, continuing down the hall to wait for her near the reception desk. Shepard smiles at Anderson again, leaning in briefly to peck him on his scarred cheek.

"You be careful, Shepard," he says, smiling at her gently with fatherly pride and concern. He gives her hair a quick pat and continues, a frown chasing away his smile as he searches for something in her face, in her soft expression, "You're flirting with danger and you've worked so hard to get where you are. I'd hate to see you throw it all away."

"Relax, Anderson," she says, heading for the door and Kaidan waiting outside for her, thoughtfully giving her a little privacy with Anderson. "No way Saren is taking me down. We'll get it done."

"I wasn't talking about Saren, Shepard."

She falters for a moment in her steps, looking back to see the sad and serious look in his eyes, looking meaningfully down the hall.

"Oh," she breathes and then hoists a breezy smile on her face; as if to say he's crazy for even thinking what she knew he was thinking, his no-doubt deliberate topic of discussion with Kaidan in front of her. "Believe me. There's no…_problem_ there. It's not even like that."

As she reaches the door she calls firmly to Anderson, walking towards Kaidan's waiting smile, "It's all under control."

* * *

"We're _so_ out of control," Shepard mumbles just before Kaidan shoves his tongue down her throat, his hands on her hips, groping and bunching the fabric of her shirt so his fingers stroke her bare stomach.

They had just been messing around with the amps in her cabin, trying new ones and he had helped her install the one that would give her a power boost. Shepard knows that biotics have to be careful when trying a new amp; they had to lie or sit down carefully, and breathe deeply, clearing their mind to stop any residual dark energy build-up. De-amping a biotic without proper warning and preparation can cause strokes or seizures so she had lain on the bed as he had carefully washed his hands, brushed her hair to the side and took the old amp from her implant at the base of her skull.

She had tingled, not enjoying the sensation but also aroused by their unintentionally intimate position. His hand had stroked her bare neck, the most sensitive part she could reveal to another person while still having her clothes on and she had rolled onto her back, grinning at him above her.

He hadn't been smiling. His eyes were dark and hooded and it had happened like gravitational pull, he had just pressed his lips to hers, demanding and wanting.

And she had given.

"Mmpf," she sighs raggedly against his lips as her traitorous hands drift to the firm muscles of his back, beneath his shirt. She marvels at the soft texture of his skin but the hard feel of his bunched and sleek muscles. "No. Kissing bad. Kissing very bad. It's-"

"Very bad," he agrees, pulling his mouth from hers and breathing hard, his hands frozen at the high point of her stomach, just beneath her breasts. "We shouldn't."

"Yeah. Bad."

She tries to remove her hands from him but they won't budge. She aches for him. They have privacy and time, half the crew still on the Citadel and not due back for hours yet. Oh god, she wants him and they are kneeling on her bed in her cabin, making out like a couple of teenagers.

Anderson would have a stroke.

"No," he breathes, grinning conspiratorially and takes his hands from her, holding them up as if to profess his innocence. "Saving it for shore leave."

"Right. Shore leave," she nods, removing her own hands from him as if he burns her.

They stare at each other for a beat; her blue eyes tracing his swollen mouth, the darkening of stubble around it which she had felt sting her face slightly when they kissed. She looks at his amber eyes, black with lust and feels the need between her thighs and her already terrible self-control fractures.

"Fuck…it can't come quick enough!" she exclaims and cups his face with her palms, pulling him in and pressing her lips back to his. His mouth opens under hers, his tongue soft and skillful and she hums in the back of her throat as his hands dive down the front of her pants, rubbing her through her underwear. Her hips buck against him, and she gasps, fisting her hands in his dark hair.

Eventually he pulls away, their harsh breathing the only sound in the room.

"Shepard…." he pleads with her, to stop him, to stop herself.

"Ok," Shepard says, pressing her hand to her mouth in attempt to calm herself. "Here's the deal: I order you from this room, LT." She gestures to the door. "You're banned, ok? This is a direct order, you must stop kissing me and oh god-" she breaks off as his thumb strokes her clit again and she clings to his shirt, burying her face in his neck. "You've gotta leave and go and sleep in your sleeper pod," she practically begs, pressing open-mouthed wet kisses to the warm, sensitive skin at his throat.

"Ok," he groans and pulls his hand out. Shepard hates herself for a moment and draws back. There's a hopeful light in his eyes that he can finally cling to some reason and logic and stop committing career suicide.

"Phew, ok I can deal with that," he says breathlessly getting off the bed. She notes with a guilty little twist of satisfaction that his arousal for her is more than evident at the front of his pants. Good, let him suffer like she suffers, she thinks. "I can follow orders. I don't know what's wrong with me but you're…you're something else."

"Backatcha, soldier," she replies, and throws caution to the wind to wink saucily at him, reclining back on the pillows in what she hopes is a way that seems seductive and not stupid. Kaidan swallows hard, and leaves the room in one jerky movement, mumbling about showers.

Shepard rolls over on her bed and screams her sexual frustration into a pillow. Then she flips through her omni-tool and navigates to the Alliance network page, quickly finding the article on the bad fraternization regulation breaking case Anderson mentioned, trying desperately to remember how that LT of hers is such a bad idea.

It doesn't work.

Shepard stays in bed that afternoon and she lets her imagination run wild trying to work out her frustration by herself and get a grip on her apparent determination to be made into an example of an officer doing the wrong thing.


	23. Waltz for the Moon

_Just a stupid drabble from tumblr uploaded here for posterity's sake. Future fluff. _

_Inspired by the blog imagineyourotp prompt._

* * *

"Ok, Lola. So you just follow my lead, alright?"

James synched a console to his playlist, and Shepard watched, biting her lip.

"Jimmy, I don't know," she said, frowning pensively at the gentle, dulcet tones now filling the empty ballroom. "I don't follow anyone's lead."

"Not what Kaidan says."

"What?"

"Nothing. Anyway, you can follow me for a few hours a week, can't you? God knows you get enough of your kicks grinding me beneath your boot during N training."

Shepard hummed, smoothing her shirt over her rounded belly and trying to ignore the nervous flutters there.

James grinned and crossed over to her, looking ridiculous in sweat pants, white shirt and bare feet in the classy ballroom. He'd borrowed the cavernous room for their use from a friend of his, the wide space perfect for them to practice in peace. With the widespread devastation and rebuilding effort of Earth not many people were in the mood to throw ballroom parties anyway.

"Or you're goin' to trip over your own or Kaidan's feet at the wedding and fall flat on your face." James tried to cajole her and simultaneously soothe her nerves, bending down slightly to look her in the eyes. "Not gonna look like such a hot bride then, right?"

"I guess not," she agreed reluctantly. "It's just I'm terrible at dancing!"

"I know, Lola. But didn't you always promise him you'd learn?"

She had made Kaidan a promise many years ago that she would go dancing with him. She supposed their wedding was as good a place as any. Shepard counted her blessing every day that she was still able to walk at all, let alone dance. Recovery from the Crucible had not been easy.

"Fine," she said briskly, bouncing on the balls of her bare feet like she would to warm up for a fist fight. "Let's do this shit. You touch my ass-" she warned and held a fist up, flaring her biotic corona, "-and I'll punch you into next Tuesday."

She was only joking though, a small smile twisting the corners of her lips and James laughed that bear laugh of his, light dancing in his kind hazel eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," he said, rolling his eyes. "You're a scary person, even all little and fat."

He placed his hands around her back and waist and she rested her palms on his large shoulders.

"I'm not fat, you pig," she protested, offended and punched him hard in his muscly chest. Kaidan had learned to shut his mouth when anything remotely relating to the weight she'd gained during this pregnancy came up. Seemed he hadn't filled James in yet. "It's the kid."

"Sure." James laughed, his self-preservation instinct obviously on the fritz. "And it's not all those waffles Kaidan cooks for you either."

"Shut up, Mr Beefy." Shepard huffed, trying to ignore the sting to her feelings. She was an N7, she was kickass, she was in peak physical condition. She still jogged and did biotic exercises as much as she could. She would kick James Vega's muscle-bound ass even pregnant if she had to. That wall was begging for his face smooshed into it.

"You just watch 'til I pop this kid out. I'm gonna ride your ass so hard in Rio you'll beg for a Banshee to come save you."

"Never, Lola." James grinned wickedly, a sharp slant to his mouth. "You can ride me any day, just don't tell that boyfriend or should I say soon-to-be husband of yours."

"Nah." Shepard sniffed, putting on a lofty expression. "He knows I'm too good for you."

"You're so sharp, Lola. Careful you don't cut yourself on your dry wit."

James pressed a button on his omni-tool and the music switched to a waltz number. He re-positioned his hands on her waist, and despite his flirty words there was no heat in his touch. Shepard clung to his shoulders and idly thought that being held like that would be what it would be like to be held by her long dead brother, if he had been allowed to grow into a man.

James started shuffling, and forced her foot back with a step forward. "Alright now, one, two, three." He counted out the steps and she lurched, trying to keep up with him. "One, two, three. Just follow my feet ok? And the rhythm of the music."

"Gah. This is so hard. I look dumb." Shepard fretted, annoyed at herself. She was going to be the worst bride, she thought. Kaidan was far too sweet to put up with her bad moods and even worse dancing skills.

James frowned at her stricken expression, and patted her back a little gently. "You look great, like a graceful swan, alright?"

"A fat one."

James stopped dancing and she took the opportunity to smooth her shirt over her belly again, not enjoying the way she'd grown lately and her ill-fitted clothes. She hoisted her blue sweat pants up from where they slid down her hips slightly and wished to Ash's god that she could shove her armor on.

Stupid, sexy Kaidan. Stupid fat little baby. Stupid waffles with maple syrup that he knew she loved and too much sugar. Stupid Shepard getting herself in a jam again.

Stupid, dead Anderson that couldn't be at her wedding, she thought with a tear to her heart, the still deep wound ripping open again and again and leaking blood into her lungs so much that she thought when she spoke the blood should bubble up.

Sometimes she still couldn't breathe through the grief and she would be transported to those dark days she lay burned and catatonic in that makeshift hospital bed, Kaidan begging her to speak to him and she didn't know how to speak without crying and just never stopping.

Her dad had died and she had shot him. He told her she was a good mom.

And most of all, fucking stupid Jimmy Vega making her dance when she wanted to call the whole thing off and tell Kaidan's mom to go screw herself with all her nagging about getting married.

The only thing that stopped her was Kaidan's face when she said 'yes' finally.

She loved him, she did. More than anything and for one-thousand lifetimes and past eternity. She would never be with another man again. She just didn't understand his need for a piece of paper and public embarrassment.

"I was just teasing you Lola, you know." James said gently. "I didn't mean anything by it. You look very pretty and Kaidan really won't care if you can dance or not."

"I know." She sighed, hating the way she was feeling and the rush of anxiety the thoughts of the baby and the wedding were bringing on. She should be able to do this, no problem. They already had a quiet little almost five year old who had them running around ragged, for god's sake. This one should be no big deal. She was a dancer at heart, but with biotics, not footwork.

What's a wedding to scare her when she'd faced down a Reaper on foot and walked away the victor?

"It's just- I think we're crazy to be getting married now." Shepard crossed one arm beneath her breast and rested her other arm on it to gnaw her nail ragged. "It's not the right time."

"How can it be the wrong time?" Jimmy laughed, baffled. "You have two kids together, you've been solid as a rock for years."

"I dunno. Maybe…maybe this is just cold feet. I don't know how to do a wedding."

"Lola, this isn't an N7 op." He placed his hands on her shoulders, comforting her in a firm squeeze. "This is your wedding. You show up breathing and with a smile on your face and you'll make Kaidan the happiest pendejo alive."

Shepard nodded wordlessly and he positioned them again to continue their awkward waltz shuffle. She found herself glad that he had told her to take off her shoes and he had taken off his. If she hadn't his feet would have been very sore the next day.

"He talks to me, you know." James said sometime later as she finally got the hang of following his feet and she knew he was talking about Kaidan. "And he's excited but trying not to show it because he knows you're nervous. Just relax and everything will be fine."

"Ok. You're right. I'm being stupid."

"I think you're just a worrier and you need to relax and just dance with me."

Shepard let a small smile escape and for a moment rested her head on his shoulder, and as he gently stroked her hair, her anxiety melted away. At least for the moment.

"Say, Lola?"

"Yeah?"

Shepard pulled back to see his mischievous grin. "Don't suppose you'd give it all up, run away with me and we'd rule Omega like pirate king and queen? After all, I'm teaching you to dance."

"Sure, Jimmy. Sure. The minute Kaidan decides to throw me in for a younger, blonder, less bitchy model, I'm yours. You want the kids too?"

"Oh, so you haven't broken it to him yet why our little solider boy has a mohawk?"

Shepard's giggle echoed around the large ballroom as she unsuccessfully shushed herself.

"Ah, that's ok." He shrugged in that guileless way of his. "I would be waiting forever then, eh? Because I haven't seen a couple more in love than you two. He wouldn't throw you in for anything."

Shepard smiled and held tighter onto his shoulders, the music drifting to their ears pleasantly. "Guess so."


	24. Baby, It's Cold Outside

imagineyourotp:

Imagine your OTP singing along to "Baby, It's Cold Outside", or living out the story of the song.

Another stupid drabble from tumblr uploaded for posterity.

* * *

_Your eyes are like starlight now _

* * *

Kaidan gripped Shepard's hand as they breathlessly piled through the back door, snow falling from their hair and boots.

They'd went ice skating, spending the day laughing and falling over a lot, Kaidan successfully trying to teach her to skate. It was one of their few days, just the two of them, and with no baby vomit. He held his wife's hand like they were two teenagers out on a first date and he had felt young and so very loved.

The winter fog and chill had gotten worse as the day progressed, the nasty cough Shepard had had for a week sounding more and more like a rattle, but she had only agreed to head home when Kaidan promised they could go skating again next week. He would make sure of it.

A blustery cold flurry had left slowly melting flakes of snow in their hair, and with Shepard's long, dark curly locks, rosy cheeks, beanie and scarf Kaidan's mother had knitted for her, Kaidan felt mostly old and worn out next to her youthful vibrancy and beauty. He also felt_ a lot_ smug, deep down, and knew at the ice rink that men would have wished to even be allowed to hold her hand, shooting him envious looks.

Well, that part might have been his imagination but he didn't care. His wife was the prettiest woman there.

He spun her as they closed the kitchen door, the smell of freshly baked cookies and Ma Alenko's gentle voice talking to the boys in the next room.

"Shepard, you look so pretty."

"And you're such a charmer," she tutted and pulled off her winter gloves, slapping him on the chest with them.

"I'm not," he protested. "I can't tell my wife that she looks pretty with no ulterior motive?"

"Ah ah!" she said, waggling a finger at him and grinning. She giggled as he grabbed the pointing hand, wrapped an arm around her back and tugged her so close their chests touched. "I _know _you, though," she whispered, looking up at him with snow on her eyelashes. "Major Alenko always has an ulterior motive."

"You wound me so with your cruel jibes."

His eyes traced her lips, as he whispered back, not wanting to disturb Ma so they could have a moment alone in the kitchen without the boys crawling all over them. Shepard's lips were slightly chapped but pink from the cold. Her nose was red and her eyes vibrant. His heart clenched, love a painful enormity and tender torture.

"Ha!" she laughed, the corners of her eyes crinkling and his heart thumped again, the worn, beat-up old thing always charmed by her. "Anyway, I sound like a dog. And look like one too, all snotty and gross."

She did sound husky with her scratchy voice and it was doing strange things to Kaidan. She somehow sounded adorable, with her unusual low timbre. It also reminded him of their eldest when he caught a cold and wanted nothing more than his dad to read him a bedtime story and carry him around like he was a baby again.

It was going to be Christmas soon and a song his mother used to play for his dad popped into Kaidan's head.

He caressed a lock of her hair and said, "Baby, it's cold outside."

Shepard pouted. "Thought I told you not to call me baby?"

"It's a song."

"Mm hmm," she hummed, a suspicious slant to her eyebrows.

He continued, grinning and leaned closer to her, ignoring a squeal from Andy in the next room. He could already tell Ma had him overexcited and getting the baby to sleep tonight would be torture. But he had this moment in the kitchen and every sleepless moment was worth it.

Shepard looked up at him and she still had stars in her eyes, exactly like the first time he had met her on the _Normandy. _Galaxies were still drowning in the bottomless oceans of her eyes. Snowflakes dusted her long, dark lashes and she looked at him with warmth and tenderness and home in her expression.

"Your eyes are like starlight now."

"Then you'd better kiss me," she murmured and closed the distance between their mouths.


	25. Better Now

_ME1 era. Shenko with a side of Kaidan/Ash friendship. _

_Set before Shenko starts messing around with each other. Before Virmire. _

* * *

I want to reconcile the violence in your heart

I want to recognize your beauty is not just a mask,

I want to exorcise the demons from your past,

I want to satisfy the undisclosed desires in your heart

You trick your lovers,

That you're wicked and divine,

You may be a sinner,

But your innocence is mine

_-muse_

* * *

"So, what do you think, Chief?"

Kaidan hands Ash the pistol, and stands back with his safety goggles on as she expertly squeezes off five rounds in rapid succession.

When she's done, she hands him the heated pistol and says flatly, "Accuracy is piss poor, LT. Tell the Commander the marines are right, and if she's got the creds, I'd recommend stepping up to the Devlon models."

Kaidan squints at the holes she's made on the practice dummies, and casts his goggles off onto her gun bench. "That bad?"

"Hell yeah." She stalks over to a dummy and he follows as she points out the holes, all near the dead center of where a heart would be on a human. "You see? A few millimeters at most, and the kickback is expected, but not at these levels. I know it doesn't seem much-"

He examines her finger movement as she points out the slight scattering of the shots, the way they were just a fraction off their intended mark and interrupts her, "No, no. I'm not questioning your judgment, Gunnery Chief. You know your firearms." He straightens from where he's bent examining and smiles at the younger woman. "I just hadn't noticed the kickback was so bad. Nice catch."

Ash blinks, perhaps surprised at his praise. "Uh…thank you, sir."

"It was a deserved compliment," he says evenly. "I'll make sure to mention it to the Commander in my next detail report."

He thinks that she's been very unfairly passed over in her career, and is just glad that he and Shepard have her with them now. She's a good friend, with a lot of career potential and growing to do. Shepard agrees with him, she'd make a good officer, if the brass would just notice and promote her.

He feels a little spark of anger at the prejudice against the Williams name.

Kaidan turns, gathering up the remaining arms they had been testing after some grumbling from the marines, and stores them back in the locker. He tells himself there's not a touch of inappropriate haste in his movements, that he doesn't keep glancing at his watch, that he's not counting down the seconds until he can see her face with the odd light smattering of freckles under her eyes.

He stows the weapons carefully as he always does, reminding himself that Shepard isn't off duty yet, she has ten more minutes. The hot chocolate isn't going to run away on them, relax. He has time to see her.

Ash, picking up on his unusual excitement, interrupts his train of thought, "You're heading off to bunk down?"

"Sorry?"

"It's past your shift," she explains, glancing at her watch. Kaidan knows it's past 2200 hours. He should be sleeping. "You seem in a rush to get out of here and the duty roster says you have to be up at 0300 hours tomorrow."

He tries to shrug as nonchalantly as he can manage. "No, I'm just going to the mess. I, uh, said I'd meet Shepard there."

There's a tickle in the back of his throat as Ash's dark eyes look at him shrewdly, but he stops himself from coughing under her appraisal. So he'd kissed Shepard that one time when she was injured. It didn't mean anything. They're just _friends_, who happen to like talking over hot chocolate in the mess. No big deal.

Sure, he likes her a little more than is entirely appropriate, but it's just a small case of infatuation. He'd get over it. She's just so funny and warm, he can't help wanting to be doubled over in laughter, or attempting to make her own eyes dance in mirth.

She has very pretty eyes after all…

He jumps a little guiltily when he realizes his thoughts have wandered and Ash cuts in, "Oh. Skipper's shift is just finishing, right?"

"In about five minutes."

Ash fiddles with an assault rifle and some cleaning fluid. "You've stayed up for her?"

"No. I, uh, stayed up to test the guns out with you," he deflects. "I wanted to catch you while you were on duty."

"Of course, sir." There's smirk hovering on the side of her mouth.

Kaidan sighs, "You know, I hate when you say 'sir' in that tone. Because it really doesn't sound like you're saying 'sir'. It sounds more like 'idiot'."

"Of course not, _sir_."

He shakes his head, smiling at her and turns to leave.

"LT?" Ash calls back and he faces her again.

"Yeah?"

She bites her lip. "Actually…can I have a word?"

Kaidan resists glancing at his watch again, and hopes Shepard has gotten caught up chatting with Joker or something so he isn't standing her up.

Standing her up? No, Alenko. You idiot, he thinks. It isn't a date. It's just hot chocolate and a friendly ear after a long day. It doesn't mean _anything_.

Kaidan walks over to Ash's station where she has pulled out some more rags, and picks up a gun to start helping her clean. "Sure, shoot," he says with a patient smile at the younger marine. "You know that I'm always here if you need to speak freely or off the record, Chief."

"Thanks." She nods. "I appreciate that. And believe me, I don't want step on anyone's toes here." Ash exhales explosively and cocks a hip, leaning on the bench and looking away from his eyes. "Hell, it's kinda cute and I would be rooting for you if we were on another posting or at another time. But are…" she breaks off, apparently searching for words and Kaidan's stomach clenches, "you guys aren't…?"

He can read between the lines on what she's asking.

That was code for, "You guys aren't fucking every night, are you?"

Despite telling himself they are doing nothing wrong, there's a small, hard pit in his stomach. It was just one kiss in the heat of the moment on a messed up mission. And one kiss on the cheek. And maybe a few accidental brushes.

The _Normandy_ is tight quarters sometimes; he couldn't help it last week when she had been forced to press against him in a small skirmish with a merc ship, Joker's maneuvers throwing them around a little. He most certainly hadn't masturbated in the shower to the thought of how firm her ass had been when his hand had accidentally brushed it, or how soft her breasts had been against his chest. He hadn't stroked himself to completion, imagining how her thighs would feel wrapped around him, her moaning beneath him.

Kaidan thinks a little desperately that he is a terrible liar, even to himself.

So maybe he has also had a few…dreams that aren't exactly g-rated. Well, they're more like x-rated but Shepard never needs to know that. No one did. His little problem isn't the ship's problem. And even if Shepard feels the same, nothing can happen.

So using this pithy justification, he calms himself and says, "Of course not, Chief."

She sighs; sounding relieved, and fiddles with a catch on her gun looking up to meet his eyes. Shepard is shorter, his mind chirps unhelpfully. He likes Shepard's height now, after initially thinking she really didn't look like a proper marine. These days, he imagined them hugging, how her chin would sit just right and he could…

No, he internally shakes himself. No. These are bad thoughts.

"Good," Ash says and hands him a new gun to clean as he progresses through her stockpile. "I mean…I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I consider you both friends, as well as damn fine officers." She looks at him and smiles again, rolling her eyes in a self-deprecating gesture. "This isn't some petty jealousy thing. I've never served on a crew this good. Or such an exciting posting. And I don't want to…have it screwed up or have our crew shuffled."

"We were only going to have some hot chocolate. I'm sure Shepard wouldn't mind if you joined us."

"No, no," she refuses. "You two have fun."

Kaidan nods and leaves her to her guns, his eyes stinging from the cleaning fluid. Or maybe it's tiredness. He doesn't know, or care. He wants to see Shepard before sleeping.

Ash, her voice quiet, calls after him, "I wasn't trying to…I just wanted to make sure everything is ok with you, Kaidan."

He spins, surprised. "Why wouldn't it be?"

"Look, it's fine. Forget I even brought it up. Go have fun, maybe I'll join you tomorrow."

Kaidan presses the elevator button roughly in his haste to leave.

He's late.

* * *

In the mess, she's already sitting at the table, sans hot chocolate. Her shirt is untucked, her hair isn't tied back so it falls in messy waves around her face. He wants to tuck a strand behind her ear, but as soon as the urge occurs to him he represses it with vicious self-reproach.

He carefully crosses to the mess kitchen and starts to play their game. He doesn't meet her eyes except for one respectful nod which she returns. It's just like they are just two ordinary crew members who happen to want a mug of hot chocolate at the same time.

Subterfuge isn't really his forte, but _this_ game he is rapidly becoming a master of.

He makes hers first. Extra sugar, extra chocolate. He even tries to make the milk froth in the way she likes but can't quite get it right. He blows on it to cool the dark liquid to the perfect temperature and then makes his own a little more haphazardly.

Kaidan brings his offering over to the table and slides into the seat beside her, placing the large mug in front of her.

"Hey, Shepard," he greets and there's dark smudges under her eyes, she's pale, and a little listless but to him she's so beautiful. For a moment he's struck by her, his heart stuttering.

She smiles her fox grin, her sharp teeth showing. "Kaidan."

"I put three sugars in."

"Thank you." Shepard's fingers brush his as she picks the mug up. There's no literal spark from their biotics this time and he feels disproportionally disappointed. Every touch between them is electric inside his chest, it should reflect on the outside. "How was your day?"

Kaidan takes a sip of the sweet liquid and watches her eyes dance, a wayward bit of hair falling onto her shoulder, her smile, and he can't remember a single thing he told Ash in that moment.

"Better now," he answers.


	26. Interior Decor

_Cross-posted from tumblr. Speculation for the Citadel DLC._

* * *

"_Kaidan_, I don't like interior decorating." Shepard blew an errant strand of hair out of her eyes, and fussed with an imaginary crease in her blue crew shirt as she whined, "Can't we just shove a bedspread on and call it a day? Hell, that's all we'll use anyway."

Kaidan threw her an unimpressed look, his lips twitching. "Ha, ha," he laughed sarcastically. "You are so funny, Shepard. What made you become a marine rather than a comedian? You'd make millions with your own stand-up show back at the casino."

Shepard grinned and rolled her eyes. "You know. I try," she said, all false modesty. "I think these up while in the middle of dodging Reaper lasers. Passes the time."

"Don't try and distract me," Kaidan warned, trying not to smile. He turned back to the rows of brightly coloured fabric decorating the asari upholstery store (they had every shade imaginable, some Shepard had never even heard of. What the fuck was '_Bluebeard Puce Night_' anyway?). "We need some tasteful drapes."

"Oh god!" she suddenly barked into her comm, "Garrus, come save me!" Shepard winked at Kaidan, as Garrus ignored her tragic wailings. Probably too busy pulling the card shark act with Jimmy.

"I can't take it anymore." She pointed one long, warning finger at her partner. "You start talking about 'expensive but tasteful' drapes and I swear, buddy, you will be sleeping down in the crew deck for the duration of this war, and Jimmy and I will turn the apartment into a beer-drinking and vid-watching palace."

He threw down the indigo drape he had been running over his fingers for thread count inspection, and turned to her. "Shepard, I live in your cabin too, you know. And if I wasn't there to pick up your crap all the time, it would be a health hazard. Don't be such a baby and help me pick out a colour you like."

"Did you just call _me_ - the Saviour of the Citadel, the Conqueror of the Collectors, the Slayer of Reapers - a _big baby_?"

He sniffed, turning back to his drapes. "You are. A whiny one."

"I changed my mind," she huffed, trying to ignore the asari who was frowning fiercely at them over her armful of pillows. "You can't come live with me in my nice big apartment. Only babies live there." Shepard desperately tried to keep the laughter bubbling up in her chest bursting out of her mouth, as she tried to frown at him seriously. "All to myself, yep."

Kaidan grinned slyly. "You're gonna keep that far-too-big-for-one-person bed all to yourself?" He somehow managed to inject an extra note of huskiness into his voice, and Shepard knew she was screwed. She felt a jolt right behind her naval as she thought of what they would be doing that night.

_Hell yeah, _she thought_._ _That apartment was _so_ worth it._

Finally, they got to be like a normal couple and actually be affectionate somewhere besides her cramped warship cabin. He could even cook her that dinner he kept promising was his speciality, but in three years had never had a chance to make.

It was almost like having an actual life outside of war and sorrow.

Shepard felt miraculously like she had three years ago. On Intai'sei, when everything was perfect. The shore leave they had before everything fell apart. When they were young, and thought they had all the time in the world.

Maybe it was time to take their missed opportunities back. To claw some happiness in the midst of Reapers, husks, dead friends, and seize their future. She had no idea what would happen one day to the next, but life waited for no one, and one day she would defeat the Reapers.

Their Citadel apartment was their first step.

"Maybe." She raised her eyebrow, affecting a cool tone. "Maybe not. Depends. Are you gonna just pick some damn drapes, take me to lunch and buy me a nice, big, _juicy_, steak sandwich?"

Without waiting for a response, making sure the disdainful asari had a good view; she gave his rear a nice, firm pat, and pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He lips rose in a smile beneath her lips, his eyes laughing.

"I think that could be arranged."

They left, Kaidan paying for his precious drapes, and Shepard had to agree internally that they really were expensive but tasteful. Nice, soft and comforting. She never had a nice home.

They were going to build a nice home together.

"Heh, heh," she laughed to herself, watching as Kaidan moved ahead of her into the elevator. "Can't wait to try out that bed."

"What was that, Shepard?"

"Nothin'."

The elevator doors slammed shut behind them.


	27. A Good Egg

Happy Easter.

* * *

Kaidan embarks on one of the most important missions of his life.

It requires all his skill, courage, stealth and tenacity. He sets his alarm early and as soon as it screeches at him, his body responds, as if waiting all its life to be awoken and perform the most important task.

As he bounds out of bed, Shepard groans beside him and kicks him in the stomach.

"Ow! Shepard, watch it!"

She mumbles something about deer in her sleep and rolls over. She has a little streak of drool down her chin, and her hair looks like a bird's nest, a dark cloud around her head.

Unable to resist, he lingers for just a moment in bed with her. Before embarking on priority missions it's very important to say a proper goodbye to your wife.

Just in case.

Her lips are soft, and she smiles as he brushes her hair back from her face.

She cracks one eye open. "You are insane, you know that? It's like 0600 hours. You can sleep in when you're on leave, you know. They won't be up for hours yet." She smiles her fox grin, all crooked sharp teeth and lustful intentions. Her hands wander down to his boxers. "I can think of a lot of things we can do for a lazy Sunday morning in bed."

She kisses him again, long and passionately. Kaidan groans against her mouth. Shit. Abort mission. Abort. Code red in engineering.

"No," he mumbles. "I've gotta do this mission, Shepard. Everything has to be perfect."

He breaks away from her, and jumps out of bed, quickly pulling his shirt and sweater on in the chilly air. Shepard pouts, huffing, and rolls over, pulling the covers right to her chin.

"Aw, come on," he says as he yanks on some pants. "Raincheck?"

"Hmm. I'm going back to sleep. Go do your thing, Major. We'll see about that raincheck."

With that she pulls the covers right over her head, and he knows she won't speak to him again. Shepards and mornings do not mix well.

Grinning, he leans down and yanks the covers off her head. He kisses her fiercely, smelling flowers in her hair and her morning breath puffing warm on his face.

"Don't be such a grump," he grumbles to her lips, watching her eyes dance with amusement. "You'll have so much fun later, almost as much as they will."

She yawns. "Fine, fine. Go do your little mission, then come find me in the shower. I have an assignment of my own for you," she purrs, and then rolls over in bed, stretching her body like a cat, and shutting her eyes

Kaidan laughs and leaves his wife sleeping.

* * *

Stealthily he creeps down the halls of the orchard house. Ma had been so glad they came to stay for the holiday, and truthfully Kaidan is glad they have too. The orchard is perfect for his mission. The apartment wouldn't suit his purpose.

He creeps into the lounge room, listening intently for his little hostiles, but hears none. He picks up his package, and straps it securely to his back, careful not to jostle it unnecessarily. This was one backpack that could not afford to be damaged. The consequences would be extreme.

He slips out the back door, and inhales the crisp morning air. It's beautiful here. Dew sparkles on the ground, a pale sun rising to send beams of light refracting through the water.

A bird calls somewhere far off, and Kaidan feels a strange, complete contentment. This is his home. His family. His perfect little life he's built. He wouldn't change a single thing.

He pulls on his boots and bounds into the cabbage patch, taking the items from his backpack and sprinkling little ones here and there.

He laughs to himself. Cackles, really. He's like a sabotage expert. A master of stealth and ingenuity.

His mission complete in that quadrant, he jogs into the rows of grapes, depositing brightly colored packages there. He steals some of Ma's small flowerpots and overturns them, hiding more of his payload under them too.

Kaidan tries to do it like an artist. The way Garrus would plant bombs with loving care. He pauses a little at that thought, briefly considering that maybe the _Normandy_ crew had a little bit of a workaholic problem, but shrugs and dismisses it. His attention to detail is netting results, the backyard and nearby grape rows look fantastic by the time he is done. He tries not to rush, but the thought of Shepard lying upstairs and promising a raincheck is a little too tempting to linger in the early morning light, when he could be lying under dark blankets and discovering very not wholesome things with her.

He rushes inside; careful to wipe away all traces he was ever up at the crack of dawn. The backpack is stowed away in the hall closet, innocuous and empty.

* * *

Hours later, Shepard pads downstairs, her smile large and excited. She can't deny she's looking forward to this day, even though she tries to pretend otherwise just to mess with Kaidan.

The man in question is already up and buttering toast at the breakfast bar, little eggs in cups sitting in rows before him.

She slinks up beside him and sneakily places her hands on his hips. "Hey, there. See you recovered from your shower."

"Hey," he rasps. "Just about. I think my toes are still numb, but alas, it's the price I pay to bask in such beauty as yourself."

Shepard laughs at his overt flattery and kisses him.

"Ew! Mommy! Don't!" Miles cries in between shovelling egg into his mouth, perched on his special kiddie seat at the bar. "That's gross."

She grins. "_Gross_ is it? I'll show you gross, you little monster. I haven't had my good morning kiss from you yet, little soldier."

Her son shrieks and tries to run, but she catches him, her longer legs far too fast. He screams for his dad to help as she plants slobbery wet kisses to every section of his face.

She makes it extra wet and gross, licking the side of his cheek, and laughs herself, pleased to see him almost explode with excitement the way only children can.

"Daddy! No! Stop her!" he cries between gasped breaths.

Kaidan takes pity on him, and pads over plucking him up and into his arms, away from Shepard.

"I know, buddy. Mommy's so mean. Here," he sets him back down in his seat by the breakfast bar, "Finish your breakfast. I'll make sure your mom won't try and eat you again."

He gives Shepard a stern look. "You sit your butt down in that chair and eat your breakfast, too."

"Yeah, Mommy!" Miles pipes up. "You gotta listen to Daddy when he tells you to eat breakfast. It makes you big and strong."

Shepard mock frowns at him. "You know, you're just like your dad."

Miles beams at her, his little bunny teeth protruding, as if she just paid him some wonderful compliment. "I know!"

She settles in beside him and ruffles his dark, curly hair fondly. Kaidan sets a plate of toast cut up into little rectangles before her, and two hard boiled eggs. Ravenous, she starts shovelling it down.

"Where's Andy?" she mumbles around a bite of food. "He didn't come and jump on me this morning. I thought you were getting him breakfast, too."

Kaidan shrugs. "When I got Miles up, he was still sleeping. So I let him. I think he's got a bit of the sniffles. Ma's just giving him a bath now."

"Oh no." She frowns. "I'll go check on him."

She leaves her toast behind and pads into the bathroom where Ma is just pulling a woolly sweater over her youngest son's head. He still looks sleepy and rumpled.

"Oh, buddy" Shepard breathes. "You not feeling so good?"

Her two year old frowns up at her, big brown eyes doleful. She swoops down and picks him up, giving him a tight hug. Bundled as he is in his sweater, he feels like a rather soft and warm teddy bear.

"Shepard, dear," Ma says. "I thought the bath might perk him up, but it looks like it's going to be a quiet day for little Andy."

"That's OK," she murmurs, kissing his soft hair. "He can hang with me while Kaidan and Miles run around crazy. We'll have our own fun. Thanks, Ma."

She nods, and as Shepard holds him still, drags a brush through Andy's soft hair.

"There we are, all handsome."

Shepard moves back into the kitchen and settles back in her perch by the breakfast bad, propping Andy upright in her lap, and starts to feed him some toast while munching on her own. Kaidan leans over the bench from where he was making coffee and moves some hair back from Andy's forehead.

"Not feeling so good still?"

Shepard shakes her head. "That's OK. We'll start the hunt soon, but maybe it'll just be a short one for Andy. I think it's a day of some big naps."

"I don't want to nap!" Miles protests. "I want to eat chocolate."

Kaidan smiles. "Well, you can do that then. The Easter bunny has brought a lot of eggs, and I don't think Andy can eat them all without your help."

Miles eyes light up.

* * *

Kaidan watches as Shepard leads the boys outside, Andy still glued to her hip, clingy and tired. Miles runs around crazy, practically vibrating on the spot to be let loose on his hunt.

Kaidan sounds the charge. "OK. Ready! Set! Go!"

Miles is off like a shot, dashing for the nearest brightly colored egg, snatching it up into his small palm.

"Daddy! Daddy!" he calls. "Look what the bunny brought me!" He holds his prize up into the sun, the purple glittering. Kaidan snaps a picture on his 'tool, wanting to hold the memory forever.

He runs after him, his job as designated egg holder vitally important. Shepard follows more sedately, speaking quietly to Andy as she picks eggs up for him, watching him smile as he takes in his bright, chocolate presents.

Miles streaks down the rows of grapes, his laughter echoing across the fields. Ma stands at the back of the house, snapping away with her own 'tool. Kaidan knows that the pictures will be framed and hung proudly on the walls, or used as bragging rights when she meets up with some of her friends.

He can practically hear it now. "Oh yes, this is my son Kaidan's children. I mean, I don't want to seem boastful, but they are the most handsome boys I have ever seen. Shepard, his wife... oh you know Shepard, saviour of the galaxy? I talk about her all the time. Well, she's very pretty, too. Yes. My boy did very well for himself."

Kaidan rolls his eyes. She's terrible for bragging and trying to make her tennis club friends jealous.

Shepard moves over to him as Miles lets out a particularly loud yell at the discovery of one of the more massive eggs Kaidan had bought and hidden under a flowerpot.

"You know..." she says. "I have to admit. You did a damn fine mission here, Major."

"What can I say?" He smiles, leaning down to wrap his arms around her and kiss her forehead. "My superiors always complimented me on my tactical and admin skills."

"Not the skills I compliment you on, though," she murmurs, shifting Andy into his arms and then sneakily grabs a handful of Kaidan's butt.

He yelps. "Shepard! Not in front of the kids."

She laughs, the sound tinkling across the fields.

Miles' head pops up from a long section of grass. "Ohh! Mommy, did you find a good egg?"

"You betcha," she calls. "The best egg in the galaxy."

Kaidan is starting to think he needs another raincheck, but settles for kissing her instead.


End file.
